


Fault Line

by themayqueen



Category: Hanson (Band), Rooney
Genre: Alcohol, Background Slash, California, Epistolary, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Fan Characters, Fan Clubs, Female Friendship, Girls Kissing, Groupies, Indie Music, LiveJournal, M/M, Marijuana, Musicians, Online Friendship, Oral Sex, Secrets, Sexting, Trust, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Work Contains Fan(s) or Fandom(s), Writers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-02-13 01:45:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 48,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12973005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themayqueen/pseuds/themayqueen
Summary: When Carolina’s life came crashing down around her, she ran away to California to start over. She didn’t count on finding herself in the orbit of her teenage crush, living in a story stranger than anything she could ever dream of writing.





	1. She Says I Remind Her of Home

_She never saw herself as a west coaster  
Moved all the way cause her grandma told her  
"Townes, better swim before you drown"_

The house was small, but it was hers.

Carolina still felt like a tourist sometimes, but knowing that she owned this glorified cabin in the woods and no one—excluding the bank, she supposed—could take it from her made things feel a bit more permanent. A bit more fixed and steady.

For two years, she had shared an apartment with her high school friend Isaiah and, later, his girlfriend Phoebe. She and Isaiah had moved to California together on a whim; Carolina hadn’t thought he was serious about the plan when they had first discussed it. Isaiah understood, though, that there was nothing left for Carolina in West Virginia. She filled out an application for San Jose State’s grad program in library science, Isaiah found a job and a cheap apartment on Craigslist, and off they went. 

Carolina’s family hadn’t understood, but over time they had at least accepted it. When she graduated that spring, both her parents had been in attendance, although they’d kept their distance from each other and their respective new other halves. They knew, finally, that she wasn’t coming back home, and Carolina knew it was finally time for a home of her own.

It hadn’t seemed possible, but her father’s lump-sum graduation present-- _don’t tell your mother_ \--and the money she’d squirreled away from all the books she published for fun (books _no one’s_ mother needed to know about) made for a decent enough down payment. The house was a little farther away from some of the Santa Cruz county library branches she commuted to, but living on the outskirts of San Jose for two years had been long enough for her. Being in the city was suffocating; being on the edge of a state park was just right. 

The house had a neat little alcove full of light that Carolina decided was perfect for her home office. Her cats, Nancy and Ned, could lounge in the ceiling-high windows while Carolina made slow but steady progress on the latest draft of her next book. It wasn’t high brow literary fiction by any means, but Carolina wanted to get it right. Writing steamy romances was almost enough to help her forget that her love life had been completely non-existent since her arrival in the Golden State. 

Almost.

But Carolina didn’t like to dwell on that. The less time spent thinking about how she was already, at twenty-four, well on her way to crazy old cat lady status, the better.

It probably wasn’t ideal for her to be out in the middle of nowhere without any friends around, but Carolina hadn’t ever been much of a people person anyway. As long as she had a high speed internet connection, she figured she didn’t stand too high of a chance of going completely stir crazy.

Her laptop had been the first thing she had unpacked, settling it into its new home on the alcove’s built-in desk before she had unpacked a single dish or pair of underwear. It was still her favorite spot in the house, a spot she headed straight for every day after work. 

It was too hot in July to cook, so Carolina got creative with dinner. One night, while attempting to edit chapter thirteen into something particularly steamy, she found herself eating yogurt straight from the container, a few raspberries dumped in just for variety’s sake. At least it was healthy, she reasoned with herself.

So far, all she was accomplishing was polishing off the yogurt. No matter how long she stared at the chapter, no solutions presented themselves. Her characters simply didn’t want to behave themselves; no one was getting naked when she needed them to and their chemistry was severely lacking. Maybe it _had_ been too long since Carolina had any chemistry of her own…

She shook her head. Another wasted night. At least she didn’t have any deadlines other than her self-imposed ones and the well-intentioned nagging of her fans. 

_If they could see me now…_ Carolina thought to herself as she sat down the yogurt and shifted positions. She curled her legs under her and refreshed her email inbox for what felt like the four hundredth time that day, as though this time it might reveal something new and different.

It did.

She recognized the name the new message was from—Laura Jane was another popular author in her genre, and though they had exchanged a few friendly comments on their professional Facebook accounts, Carolina wasn’t so sure she would count her as a friend. Her curiosity piqued, Carolina opened the email and began to read.

 

> _From: laura.jane@gmail.com  
>  Subject: From one writer to another  
> To: montanalogan@gmail.com_
> 
> _Hey chica!_
> 
> _Hope you get this. I don’t know about you, but my inbox is a mess lately, since my newest release. I did NOT expect people to be so into it, but I guess the m/m romance scene is just booming right now._
> 
> _Which is why I’m emailing you total out of the blue…_
> 
> _A bunch of us are putting together an anthology, something a little darker for Halloween. I know it’s super short notice, but we’re talking a long short story, maybe a mini-novella at best. I think your writing would fit in perfectly!_
> 
> _And on a more personal note, I have to say that your latest protagonist, Jude, reminded me so much of this indie musician I love. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, but if it’s not, then you and I have GOT to get together in person. You’re in NorCal, aren’t you? I’m just over in Nevada, outside of Reno._
> 
> _Anyway, let me know what you think about the anthology! I hope you don’t think I’m too crazy for basically propositioning you out of nowhere. Hey, this could be the start of a good novel…_
> 
> _\--Laura Jane_

 

Carolina stared at the email. She couldn’t remember the last time she had sent someone an unsolicited message like that, out of the blue. Aside from posting to her blog, which she did only to promote her writing, Carolina was the very definition of a lurker. She didn’t really want to be that way; she wanted to make friends. This was an opportunity to do just that being handed to her on a metaphorical silver platter. She clicked reply.

 

> _From: montanalogan@gmail.com  
>  Subject: Re: From one writer to another  
> To: laura.jane@gmail.com_
> 
> _Hey!_
> 
> _Thank you so much for what you said about my book and for thinking of me for the anthology! I’ll admit, I haven’t had a chance to read your latest book yet, but I’m sure it’s awesome. I just moved and got promoted at work, so things have been pretty hectic…_
> 
> _…which means I really shouldn’t commit myself to a new writing project when I’ve spent the last hour staring at a chapter that just refuses to write itself. But you know what? It sounds like a lot of fun! Catch me on gchat some time and let me know more about it. I don’t want to write another vampire/werewolf/whatever if it’s what everybody else is doing. Maybe we can brainstorm some better ideas. Fallen angel? I dunno. Something unique. I’ll figure it out._
> 
> _In the meantime, I’ll be staring at this chapter again, hoping it finally gains sentience. But before I end this, can I just ask what musician you had in mind? You never know… he just might be exactly who I was thinking of when I wrote that blue-eyed, blonde haired twink…_
> 
> _\- Montana Logan_

 

Carolina wondered if she should have signed the email with her real name, rather than her pen name. Then again, for all she knew, Laura Jane wasn’t _her_ real name either. For the time being, Carolina decided it was probably best to play it close to the chest--even if Laura Jane was smart enough to figure out Carolina’s secret inspiration, one it had taken her three novels to piece together herself.

She had never admitted it to anyone else, but Carolina had a type. It took a concerted effort not to write every single male character the same way. She hadn’t even realized she was doing it at first, but when she saw the pattern, there was no denying it.

Nearly every man she wrote was, in at least some small way, inspired by Taylor Hanson.

It wasn’t like she was writing fanfic, exactly, although Carolina had read her share of it as a teenager, during the brief and wonderful time when Hanson had been a band. She had even written one or two, although her fifteen year old writing style left a lot to be desired, and she had never gained much popularity. She had always felt invisible amongst his fans, but she kind of preferred it that way. Some of his fans had been far too intense and cliquish for her tastes, so fading into the background seemed preferable. She had continued to follow Taylor online over the next few years, but she couldn’t remember the last time she had checked his LiveJournal. Maybe it was time to change that, she decided. 

It took her a few minutes to remember the correct username and password combination for her own journal. She had read his journal for years before working up the nerve to add him to her friends. She remembered her elation when he had randomly added her back, although it was quickly dashed when she realized he had gone on a follow spree, adding several fans, both better known and more obscure than herself. 

It still gave her a thrill to see his username listed amongst her friends. Still the same username, years later, although she noticed that his name was now displayed as “Jordan Taylor” and there was a link to what appeared to be a new website for music under the same name.

How long _had_ it been? Carolina really couldn’t remember. The last she recalled, nearly a year had passed between updates and she wondered why she even bothered checking. Then she had lost interest, and other things in her life had taken precedence over following a silly, teenage crush who would never even know she existed. 

Then again, he _did_ know she existed. Her username listed under his friends was proof of that. She might just be a username on a screen, but that was more than nothing. Very, very slightly more, Carolina chided herself. Still, it made something stupid and irrational flutter up in her heart. Maybe diving back into his fandom, small as it was, was what her life needed right then. Maybe this would be good for her.

She could justify it all she wanted, but Carolina’s scrolling finger was ahead of her mind, already moving down the page to find something to explain all that had happened since she had last peeked into Taylor’s world.

 

* * *

Jordan Taylor (sacredfool83) wrote:  
2005-03-18 19:48:00

**California state of mind**

Sorry for completely dropping off the radar for… wow, a really long time. Yikes. Is anybody even still reading this? 

This will be news to some of you and old news to others, but I have officially left Oklahoma. I needed a change, and I enjoyed the time the band spent in California when we thought we might get to record a second studio album. That didn’t happen, but I’ve been longing for the golden state ever since then, and never got quite enough of it on the few trips I was able to make throughout the years.

So, here I am. 

As for when there will be new music, I can’t really say for certain. I’m working on an EP but I don’t have a deadline for it or anything, since I’m doing it entirely on my own. As soon as I have more news, you guys will be the first to hear it. 

Peace out, y’all.

* * *

 

Carolina glanced at the date on the entry. Nearly two and a half years ago, just a few months before her own arrival in California. It was a coincidence, of course; Carolina was sure she had no idea that Taylor had moved out west, too. 

The next entry had a large photo in it, an abstract portrait of Taylor with some text slapped on it that Carolina realized was the cover for an EP. Below it was a download link. She clicked it, knowing that she was sucked back in like no time at all had passed.


	2. Be Golden In Your Memory

_Guild me, build me  
It's your club, so let me in (let me in)  
Knowing how heartwarming  
It is inside your skin_

Carolina was ashamed of how often she found herself staying up late poring over all of the entries in Taylor’s journal that she had missed. Between those entries and the videos he had posted on YouTube, she felt like she was beginning to really learn who he was. He had been little more than a pretty face in the past, his journal entries short and meaningless. Now he was almost like a real person, not some distant celebrity. 

Still, it wasn’t as though she really knew him, and she couldn’t imagine that she would ever meet him. Los Angeles was hours away, but it might as well be on another planet. She had only been there once, not long after first moving to California, just to say she had been. Taylor was a real person, but he was a real person living in a completely different world. Carolina wondered if there was a word, perhaps some mile-long German one, for the feeling of nostalgia and longing it gave her to think of Taylor and know that he would never think of her. 

Her compulsive reading was starting to affect her sleep, making Carolina glad that her job didn’t require too much interaction with the public. At some of the smaller branches, she was required to step in when the staff became overwhelmed. One particular day, weeks into her newfound Taylor Hanson obsession, Carolina found herself manning the front desk for half the morning while the head librarian was stuck in traffic due to a major accident. 

By the time she made it to her desk, it was time for her lunch break and she was exhausted. She retrieved her Diet Coke from the small refrigerator in the room that served as both break room and cataloging room, and collapsed into her desk chair. Thankfully, whoever had arranged the offices at the Felton branch had seen fit to make the cataloging desk as private as possible, and Carolina seized the opportunity to log onto LiveJournal and check her friends page, which was beginning to buzz with activity again as she carefully added select Taylor fans to her friends list. 

It was strange how so many of the names and usernames seemed familiar to her, but she had always stayed on the fringes of the fandom in the early days. There had seemed to be a strange divide between the fans lucky enough to get to see Hanson’s one and only tour and those, like Carolina, who only saw the band through their television screen. Carolina had never quite found her niche, but now she was slowly adding fans who, like Laura, seemed normal to her friends list and making at least a small attempt to be friendly.

She had begun to write in her own journal again, too. While the rest of her writing was stalled, it was proving to be an interesting creative outlet. Mostly, she wrote about the strange and humorous things that happened at the library. A shift on the circulation desk had given her plenty to write about that day, and she typed quickly in between bites of her turkey sandwich.

 

* * *

lucky little lady (cityofnight) wrote,  
2007-07-27 12:18:23

**Subject: …the hell?**

Y’all. I don’t know what it is about Fridays, but they seem to bring all the craziest people to the library. 

This morning, I got stuck on the desk, because the head librarian was supposedly stuck in traffic. I think she was probably trying to avoid dealing with the nutcases that, as I said, come to the library on Friday. But I can’t prove that theory. It’s just a thought.

I had seen this particular nutcase before, but today I got to experience him one on one. He came in panting and just generally seeming like he was about to pass out right there on the desk. He plopped his backpack onto the desk and began digging out the dvds he had checked out, all while huffing and puffing his way through this weird monologue about how he feared he wasn’t going to leave behind any sort of legacy for his children. I just nodded and murmured, because what was I supposed to say to that?

Finally he gets everything out of his backpack. Or so I think. By this point, he’s talking about how he recently did some yard work for this old lady whose husband always claimed their property was full of caves. There are lots of caves in Northern and Central California, so he was probably right. And this guy, wheezing and sweating all over the circulation desk, finally found one of those mythical caves. 

And that’s when he pulls a fucking stalactite out of his bag.

It’s this goddawful orange color, like that expanding foam stuff they use to seal or insulate stuff or whatever? I dunno, I’m a librarian, not a construction worker. But that color. It’s unmistakable. And he wanted me to hold the damn thing.

The urge to vomit was strong, y’all.

The whole story had a nice little conclusion, though, which was that the cave is now named after him, and so he does, indeed, have a legacy.

I don’t even know what I said to make him finally leave, but he did. Then a few minutes later, he comes running back and practically dives head first into the candy dish they keep on the end of the desk. He’s not a small man, which made it all even funnier. But I also realized that he was probably in the midst of some sort of strange blood sugar crash while he was rambling at me. 

It all made a little more sense… and yet still no sense at all.

I’m going to hide in the back office for the rest of the day and no one can stop me.

* * *

 

After posting her entry, Carolina switched to their card catalog program and looked at the pile of work she had left to do that day. Thanks to her shift on the desk, she wouldn’t get it all done that afternoon, but she thought she could still make a dent in it. Most of the work laid out for her was deletions; old encyclopedias and anthologies from the fifties at the newest that no one had checked out for years and years. They all had to be removed from the digital card catalog before they could be recycled or sold by the Friends of the Library. It was tedious work, but anything that meant she didn’t have to sit at the desk and deal with people all day was fine by Carolina.

While she worked, Carolina let her mind wander. She barely even noticed that she had begun to hum one of Taylor’s songs, one of the only ones she knew since he had only released one EP and a handful of rough demos in video form. This one was just a demo, and she had managed to make out few of the lyrics other than the title, One More Time. When her phone began to buzz, it knocked her out of her trance and she nearly fell out of her chair.

The screen displayed the name Laura Jane, and Carolina decided it was safe to answer it. No one had come in the office the entire time she had been working, so there was little chance of being reprimanded. Anyway, it wasn’t like any patrons could see her chatting on the job from where she sat.

“Hello?” Carolina answered. 

“Hey, girl,” Laura said. After over a month of texting and calling, Carolina had learned that Laura wasn’t a penname, and had admitted that Montana was. The two had quickly realized just how much they had in common, and brainstorming their writing together was keeping Carolina from completely giving in to her writer’s block. “Just wanted to check in with you.”

Carolina could hear something strange in her new friend’s voice, and she was surprised that she was able to pick that up so early in their friendship. “Why, what’s up?”

“Well… a certain someone just announced some tour dates… and there’s one basically right between me and you. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but we should totally go.”

“But Taylor hasn’t even put out new music for over a year. How can he go on tour?” 

“Oh, he’s opening for Rooney,” Laura explained. “So it’s basically perfect for the two of us.”

“It’s like they tailor made this tour for me. Where’s the concert?” Carolina’s fingers were already hovering over the keyboard, wondering where and how she could buy tickets.

“The Fillmore. Can you imagine?” 

“I already am,” Carolina admitted, typing in a jumble of keywords that she hoped would lead her to tickets. “I could almost drive there and back in a day.”

“Yeah, but we should get a hotel. Make a whole thing of it. Bring our laptops and write together, in person. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

“It would,” Carolina admitted. She couldn’t remember the last time she had befriended someone so quickly and easily, but the number of parallels between her and Laura were borderline freaky. “Okay, I’ll get the tickets and you get the hotel. Then I just have to schedule time off with my boss.”

Laura chuckled softly. “It’s not until October, so you’ve got plenty of time to figure it out.”

“That should be _almost_ enough time to do it.” Carolina laughed.

“Okay, but seriously,” Laura replied, still laughing a little. “I’m really looking forward to it. I haven’t taken a vacation since Jacob and I moved out here. And spending that time with someone who loves the same music and shares my pervy imagination? Not to mention getting to _see_ some of those musicians live and on stage.”

“Do you think we’ll get to meet him?” Carolina asked, immediately hating herself for sounding so stupidly starstruck. Taylor was just a guy. That was all. Wasn’t he?

“Who knows?” Laura replied. There was a brief pause and some shuffling. “But I do know that you should check LiveJournal again.”

“What do you mean?” Carolina replied.

“Well, you should read his post about the tour. But you also need to look at the newest comment you got on your post…”

There was something strange about Laura’s tone. Carolina said goodbye and ended the call quickly, promising to text Laura after she had read whatever it was Laura was referring to.

Just as she switched over to the Firefox window, one of the other librarians walked into the room. Carolina flipped back to the catalog quickly, hoping the librarian couldn’t hear her heart pounding at the thought that she had nearly been discovered goofing off at work. It wasn’t a great start to her new position; she had only been promoted a few months ago and was still learning the personalities and quirks of everyone she worked with. Some of them were more relaxed than others, while some, she was sure, did not approve at all of her even having her phone out at the desk.

Finally, the librarian left the room, a fresh cup of coffee in hand, and Carolina switched windows again. A few clicks brought her to her inbox, where she saw a brand new comment from a familiar username.

 

* * *

**sacredfool83**  
July 27, 2007, 3:31:09

…so did you touch it or not?


	3. Pull Me Like a Magnet Into You

  
_You're my one obsession_  
_You're my daydream in the afternoon_  
_It's my great depression  
_ _I love knowing that I can't have you_

lucky little lady (cityofnight) wrote,  
2007-08-06 11:44:56

**Subject: Vacation time!**

In some ways, living in California has felt like a vacation from reality. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. I think I’ve gone through so many different phases in my life, but I have yet to feel like I’m really living. Each new thing that starts is just temporary, you know? It all ends. Elementary school, middle school, high school, college, grad school, relationships… I wake up some mornings, not wanting to go in to work, and for a moment I forget that this is my schedule now. I could talk myself into morning classes because I knew my schedule would change again at the end of the semester. But work is forever. It’s kind of scary and suffocating to think about. This is really all there is to life?

I think I got away from my point a bit… 

I mean, is California even real? It feels like a dream at times, and the transitions from grad school to one job to another job haven’t helped. This new house doesn’t feel like home yet, and it’s been months. I still wake up wondering when this will be over and I’ll be back in West Virginia. Not that I want to be back there. Not at all.

Again, I got away from my point. I don’t think I got enough sleep last night. Spent too long watching the same youtube videos again, contemplating existence and parallel life experiences with people I’ve never even met. I’m not sure I’m actually awake yet. I may still be dreaming.

Anyway, the real reason I started writing all of this was because I wanted to gush about the trip I’m taking in a couple of months. As if moving cross country wasn’t crazy enough, now I’m going to drive to San Francisco to meet up with someone from the internet. If my parents hadn’t all but disowned me after I moved, they would be scandalized, I’m sure. Well, Mom would be. Dad would just make some stupid joke about it and act like he didn’t care. He’s so good at acting that way that I’m pretty sure it really isn’t even an act all.

Boy, I’m rambling today, huh? I guess I’ve rediscovered a love of blogging. So that’s cool. Maybe. Anyway, I really can’t wait to meet up with Laura for the first time! I haven’t seen Rooney since I first moved here, and that was a bit of a clusterfuck. I definitely want a do-over. And of course, getting to see a certain somebody open for them… I can’t put it all into words, and you know that’s a bad sign, coming from a writer.

Oops, lunch break is almost over and I haven’t eaten anything yet!

* * *

 

Carolina closed her LiveJournal tab and wandered back to the staff break room. Live Oak was one of the larger and newer branches, and well-staffed enough that several staff members could take breaks at the same time. She noticed that since the last time she’d been to that particular library, someone had brought a small television into the break room and turned on MSNBC. That wasn’t too surprising; with the presidential primaries underway, they were a constant subject of discussion at every library branch. 

Doing her best to tune out the other librarians’ conversation, Carolina fished her leftover pizza from the refrigerator and put it in the microwave. She turned her attention to the television, where the discussion was focused on a debate that was apparently being held in Los Angeles in just a few days. Carolina hadn’t heard anything about it, but she found that she was already burnt out on this election that was still over a year away. It didn’t seem to matter who won the nomination, and with a few notable exceptions, all the candidates seemed indistinguishable to her.

“I just think too many people aren’t ready for anyone but an old white man in office,” a librarian named Sharon remarked, and Carolina had to admit, at least to herself, that she agreed with her. 

“Obama really seems to be picking up momentum, though,” another librarian remarked. She was around Carolina’s age, with a few piercings and her hair shaved on one side. Carolina couldn’t remember her name. “I mean, he’s getting lots of attention with younger and first-time voters. If everybody my age and under turns out, he’ll win.”

“What are the chances of that?” Sharon remarked. 

The microwave beeped and Carolina retrieved her pizza quickly. She felt both sets of eyes on her as she spun around to leave the room, and she knew she wasn’t going to get away easily. 

“What do you think?” Sharon asked. The other librarian’s expression said that she didn’t expect much from the girl who still hadn’t shed her country accent after a few years on the west coast.

“Obama’s alright,” Carolina replied with a dismissive shrug.

“Just alright?” Librarian Number Two asked, her eyes narrowing further.

“Well, he isn’t really all that liberal, is he? Dennis Kucinich is more my speed, but there’s no way he’ll win, so I don’t see the point in voting for him. I like having some actual liberal choices on the local level here, but with this presidential election—might as well just wait and vote for whoever gets the nomination, because they’ll still be better than the other option, whether they’re really liberal or just another moderate Democrat.”

Carolina left the room before the other women could reply. She swore she could actually hear the gears in the brains turning as they attempted to process that a girl from West Virginia had just criticized their candidate of choice for not being liberal enough. 

She sat back down at the cataloging desk with her pizza, not really caring if she got the keyboard greasy or if anyone noticed that she was surfing the internet on her break. At least she wasn’t on duty, she reasoned, as she maximized her browser window and refreshed her friends page again.

 

* * *

Jordan Taylor (sacredfool83) wrote,  
2007-08-06 12:02:17

**Subject: on the road again**

Alright, guys. Here we go.

I’m going on tour with my good friends Rooney, which I think most of you are already aware of. You can visit their website for a list of tour dates and to buy your tickets. Once you’ve done that, I need you all to come back here and let me know who is going, where I’ll be seeing you and if you’re interested in hosting a house/hotel show along the way. I won’t be able to do one in every single city, but I want to hit as many of them as possible. Any dates with a travel day or two in between it and the next show are going to be our best bets. So lemme know and we’ll see what we can plan! Maybe I can even get Robert to join me for a few shows.

* * *

 

Before she could stop herself, Carolina began to type a comment, letting him know that she and a friend would be staying at a hotel just a few blocks from the Fillmore. She _did_ know a few other girls who liked Rooney, girls she had gone to see them with years before. She was still on speaking terms with some of them. If Taylor accepted her offer, he might end up playing to just her and Laura, and that would be awkward as hell. But her fingers wouldn’t quit typing. This was her chance to actually be alone, or semi-alone, with him. She had to seize the opportunity, for fear another wouldn’t come.

Once the comment was posted, she closed her browser and plugged her headphones in. Listening to a little music while she worked would make the day go by faster, and she wouldn’t have to think about whether or not Taylor might have replied to her.

Luckily, the afternoon did go by quickly, and by the time Carolina made it home, she had nearly forgotten about all of the events of the day. She fell easily into her usual routine—stick a frozen burrito in the microwave, give the cats their one daily allowance of canned food, then take her burrito into her office and check her laptop.

Technically, she was supposed to be writing, but before she could start, she made her way through a routine list of websites she hadn’t checked since the day before. She tried not to check her author blog at work for fear of outing herself to her coworkers. After seeing no new comments or emails for her alter-ego, Carolina stopped delaying the inevitable. She typed in livejournal.com and looked at the number of new alerts.

One new comment. It could have been from anyone, but Carolina knew as soon as she saw the alert that it wasn’t.

 

* * *

**Re: San Francisco**  
sacredfool83  
August 06, 2007, 6:12:01

Hey! That sounds awesome. Lemme send you a PM and we’ll figure out the details.

* * *

 

The comment had only been posted minutes before. Instinctively, Carolina hit refresh. The comment notification was still the newest message. Dejected, she stuffed an overly large bite of burrito into her mouth. She hit refresh. Still nothing new. 

She quickly polished off the rest of her burrito, hating herself both for getting so excited about a stupid inbox message and for letting herself overeat because of it. It was so fucking silly. She was twenty four years old and acting like a lovestruck teenager over someone who was little more than words on a screen. Someone who didn’t know the first thing about her as a person and probably didn’t care. 

She refreshed her inbox again.

One new message.

 

* * *

**hotel show**  
from: sacredfool83

Hey! So glad you’re down for a hotel show. I don’t really know that area of San Francisco, but it sounds like a perfect location. We’ll be in town for an extra couple days after the show, so maybe we can do the hotel show thing the day after? Lemme know what you think, and be sure to invite all your friends and basically any music lovers you know once we nail down the details.

* * *

 

Carolina read the words a dozen times, as though there might be something else lurking beneath the surface. It was all so… not formal, but not personal either. It was exactly what she expected from him, yet somehow she was still slightly disappointed. She began typing and hit backspace a few times before settling on a wording that she hoped seemed casual enough and didn’t scream desperate fangirl. 

 

* * *

**Re: hotel show**  
from: cityofnight

I’ll have to check with my job and see if I can get an extra day off. Living in the real world sucks when you just wanna go to concerts all the time. So maybe we can try for the first night instead? I’ll let you know. Whatever happens, I’m looking forward to it!

* * *

 

When she hit send, a strange, small squeak escaped her mouth. She tried again before managing to form the words, “Holy fuck.”

Once assured she could, indeed, speak, Carolina picked up her phone and selected Laura’s name from the recent calls.

“Sup?” Laura said after just a few rings.

“Umm, did you see Taylor’s post about hotel shows on tour?”

“I did,” Laura replied slowly.

“Did you see that I volunteered our room? I, umm, probably should have okayed that with you first.”

“Did you really think I would have a problem with it?”

“Well, I mean, it’s your room too. I don’t know. I couldn’t resist. And he messaged me back. He wants to do it Tuesday night, but I don’t know if I can add an extra day onto my vacation. So I don’t really know what’s happening.”

“What’s happening is that our favorite musician is coming to our hotel room,” Laura replied, her voice full of the same awe and confusion that Carolina felt. “Do you think I should bring weed? Just, you know, as some extra enticement.”

“It couldn’t hurt,” Carolina remarked. “And I know this is going to sound horrible, but I don’t think I can be held responsible for what I might do with Taylor Hanson in my hotel room.”

Laura chuckled. “Hey, as long as you and I don’t have to share a bed, I don’t care what you do.”

“Duly noted.” Carolina heaved a sigh. “I’m going to go in my backyard and scream now. Is this real life? Are we sure? Taylor Fucking Hanson. In our hotel room.”

“It is. It’s really, really real. And he’s going to smoke my weed. It may not be as awesome as what you want to do, but I kind of like my husband, so I’ll settle for sharing my drugs.”

“I’ll call you as soon as we make some definite plans,” Carolina replied. “Talk to ya later.”

“Later, chica,” Laura said.

Carolina ended the call and stood up. She didn’t really want to go outside; her neighbors were just a little too close for her to scream without having to answer to the police. But sitting still at her desk wasn’t an option either. She had too much nervous energy and nowhere to channel it. This was all happening too fast and too real and she couldn’t process any of it.

What she had said to Laura was both a joke and not a joke. She hadn’t been with anyone since leaving West Virginia, and hadn’t really even thought about how pathetic her dry spell was. Breaking that dry spell with her teenage dream had a certain poetic flare to it that would have been exactly Carolina’s style during her wilder college days. She was older now, though, if not wiser. She wouldn’t really do anything like that. 

Probably… maybe.


	4. Give Me Just a Little

 

_Don't it feel like that night was from a dream_   
_I've never felt nothing like that_   
_Looking at you, looking right back_   
_You say nothing is ever as good as it seems_   
_Stop running your mouth like that_   
_'Cause you know I'm gonna give it right back_

San Francisco was warm, even in October. Carolina didn’t think she would ever truly adjust to the weather in California, but she certainly didn’t miss harsh winters, either. There were definitely worse places to be than sitting out in the sun on a San Francisco street, Carolina decided—even if her anxiety _had_ caused her to get there and line up hours earlier than was strictly necessary to get a good spot.

Even though it was early and she knew Laura had a slightly longer drive, she had texted her as soon as she got in line for the concert. Since then, she had been obsessively checking her phone, both for messages from her and from Taylor. Finally, an hour shy of doors opening, her phone buzzed. It was Laura.

_I can see you :)_

Carolina glanced around, finally spotting a short blonde across the street. She wasn’t entirely sure, until the figure began to practically sprint across the crosswalk at the corner, and then she was certain it was Laura. She was shorter in person, but even bubblier than she appeared in her photos.

“Hey!” Laura called out once she was just a yard or two away.

Somewhat in spite of herself, Carolina spread out her arms and embraced Laura. She wondered if anyone around them realized the two had never met in person before, and what they would think about it if they did. She supposed it didn’t really matter.

“I’m so glad you made it,” Carolina replied honestly. “I was starting to worry.”

Laura groaned and rolled her eyes. “Traffic. I’m sure you know about that better than I do, though.”

“I do,” Laura agreed. “I tried to avoid driving completely in San Jose, and I’m still kinda out of practice. The whole way here I was paranoid I was going to miss a text or something, too.”

“Have you heard from you know who?”

“Voldemort?” Carolina giggled. “No, not today. We talked on AIM a little bit yesterday and I gave him my phone number. I don’t really like using AIM on my phone, so I thought that would be easier, but he hasn’t said anything since then.”

“I don’t know if that was a good move. I mean, he doesn’t really know you. I don’t think he would want to just give out his phone number like that.”

“Yeah, maybe not,” Carolina replied, suddenly feeling like even more an idiot than she already had. She wasn’t prepared for any of this. She felt like a foolish child being scolded, even though she was sure that wasn’t what Laura meant to do at all.

That feeling didn’t improve when she saw a few familiar faces headed their way. Carolina briefly wondered if perhaps she could just pretend not to know them, but she knew that wasn’t really a possibility, not when they were this close. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t spoken to most of the group for well over a year; Carolina would have to place nice, at least for one night.

Carolina had attempted to make friends early in her first semester of grad school, and thought she had found her people when she met a group of girls who enjoyed attending concerts as much as she did. A weird misunderstanding about re-posting photos one of the girls had taken of them all at a show had led to Carolina feeling like she was in high school all over again and she had gradually faded away from most of the group. She didn’t understand how grown adults could be so petty, and still wasn’t entirely sure what she had done wrong, other than simply being new to the group and never quite fitting in.

She wasn’t surprised to see them making a beeline for her, though, because they were just that duplicitous. She pasted on a smile, but she didn’t need a mirror to know it was fake; she could feel it tugging at the corners of her mouth, almost painfully.

“Hey, Mandie!” Carolina said with a fake enthusiasm that was almost manic. She ignored the other girls, knowing she couldn’t even begin to fake it with them. At least Mandie seemed genuine and oblivious to the rest of the group’s antics.

“Hey,” Mandie replied. “Do we know what time we’re meeting at your room tonight?”

And Mandie was a Taylor fan, too. Carolina had almost forgotten that until she saw Mandie comment on Taylor’s hotel show post. The other girls were all staring at her now, Carolina realized. She didn’t really have a way out now; other than Laura and Mandie, she really hadn’t had anyone to invite. If it ended up happening, Carolina feared the hotel show was going to be pretty pathetic.

“Oh, umm,” Carolina stuttered out, trying to avoid all the staring eyes. “Well, you know Taylor Hanson? He’s opening tonight, and he wanted to do, like, hotel shows for his fans. So I volunteered. But, I mean, I don’t know if it’s really going to happen or not.”

“Well, let us know when you find out,” one of the other girls, Holland, replied. There was something dismissive, almost mocking in her tone. Carolina didn’t like it.

She probably thought Carolina was full of shit, and truth be told, Carolina was starting to wonder, too.

Thankfully, those girls wandered off soon enough, when another of their friends arrived. Carolina felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. As the line began to filter into the venue, she couldn’t think about anything but the fact that she would soon be in the same room with him. It might be the closest she got to him, but fourth row wasn’t anything to complain about.

The lights went down, and there he was, with a leather jacket and a guitar. He seemed ten feet tall, but Carolina knew that was just an illusion.

She didn’t know every song he played, but it didn’t matter. After only two or three songs, she was lost in the music. Nothing else mattered but to be right there, right then, in that perfect moment.

_I got a feeling that I cannot contain_   
_I can’t believe this moment_   
_You’ve got your eyes locked on me_   
_In my head I think it must be a mistake_   
_But my heart says, take your chances_   
_It could be this first dance is the “unexpected beautiful”_   
_I can barely admit I’ve been longing for_

Sometimes Carolina forgot how much she loved music and concerts. There was no place she felt more at home than lost in a good song. She didn’t need to know the words or really understand what Taylor was singing to feel it. This was it. This was where she belonged.

_Stay here in my arms tonight_   
_There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do_   
_I just wanna be the one you’re holding onto_   
_And if you wanna run tonight_   
_I’d take you anywhere you want me to_   
_I’m giving you my heart ‘cause I_   
_I’m lost without you_   
_‘Cause I’m lost without you_

By the chorus, she had started to catch on. She stared up at Taylor, mouthing what words she thought she had picked up. Her smile, real this time, was still painful, stretching what felt like ear-to-ear.

Taylor stared back, a slow smile spreading across his own face. He nodded, as if in recognition.

_I see it all aligned in front of my face_   
_But like a shooting star fades_   
_It could be gone just as fast as it came_   
_I’m gonna take this moment and chase this fear right out of me_   
_Come one day_   
_I will have no regrets after today_   
_‘Cause the “unexpected beautiful”_   
_I’m about to admit I’ve been longing for_

_Is staying in my arms tonight_   
_There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do_   
_I just wanna be the one you’re holding onto_   
_And if you wanna run tonight_   
_I’ll follow anywhere you want me to_   
_I’m giving you my heart ‘cause I_   
_I’m lost without you_   
_Lost without you_

“Did you see that? Did you fucking see?” Carolina screeched, grasping Laura’s arm so tightly that she belatedly realized she might be leaving a bruise.

Laura nodded, wincing slightly. “He was looking right at us! Right at you.”

“Well, us. I don’t know if it was just me.”

“It was you,” Laura replied.

Carolina could barely believe it, but she hadn’t been the only one to see it. It had happened. He saw her. He was looking for her—he actually knew what to look for to find her. As though she were the one worth watching, the one who mattered.

_Just stay here in my arms_   
_Just stay here in my arms tonight_

_Stay here in my arms tonight_   
_There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do_   
_I just wanna be the one you’re holding onto_   
_And if you wanna run tonight_   
_I’d follow anywhere you want me to_   
_I’m giving you my heart ‘cause I_   
_I’m lost without you_   
_Lost without you_

_‘Cause I’m lost without you_   
_‘Cause I’m lost without you_

The rest of the concert went by in a blur. Carolina checked her phone between the sets, but there were still no new messages--no texts and nothing on AIM. The show wasn’t happening that night, she supposed.

That was it. The dream was over before it had even started.

When the show ended, she and Laura were easily swept up in the crowd making their way outside. A few girls bumped into them and asked if they were going to the after party, which was apparently being held at the Boom Boom Room. It sounded comical and unreal, and Carolina could only shake her head.

Laura maneuvered the two of them over to a corner, away from the rush of fans streaming out of the venue. Carefully, Carolina pulled out her phone and checked. She had typed a quick message to Taylor between his set and Rooney’s, but there was no reply.

She looked up at Laura, shrugged and shook her head.

“Well, then I guess we’re going back to the hotel. Unless you want to check out this mythical after party.”

“I don’t think we were really invited, do you?” Caroline asked.

“These kinds of things are all word of mouth or who you know. If we know about it, then we’re good to go. It’s just at a regular bar; if we can pay the cover charge, they can’t really kick us out. Anyway, it’s better than going back to the room and sulking because Taylor is being silent.”

“Okay,” Carolina replied, although she didn’t really like anything about the plan at all.

She supposed she should have been grateful that things didn’t seem to be working out. If she had to invite those girls, it couldn’t have possibly gone well. Much better to have avoided that disaster, even if it meant she didn’t get to see Taylor at all. Somehow it didn’t feel much better.

Huddled closely together so they wouldn’t lose each other, the two girls finally made their way out of the venue. There were more people scattered around the street outside, milling about mindlessly. Laura mumbled something about the club being a block away and pulled Carolina in that direction. On the corner was a parking garage that was mainly used by concert-goers. Even halfway down the street from it, in the dark, Carolina recognized the tall, thin figure casually leaned up against the wall next to the garage’s entrance, his cell phone in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

He glanced up, and they locked eyes.


	5. Heavy Like the Drums

 

_When we get low, we get high_   
_Let your demons play with mine_   
_Let your demons play with mine_   
_When it feels like it's wrong, then it's right_   
_You tell yourself a lie_   
_And believe it every time_

Carolina walked toward Taylor as if in a daze. There were so many other fans milling around the sidewalk, but she couldn’t see them at all. Laura was still by her side, she knew, but no one else seemed to even exist.

“Hey,” she said dumbly when she reached him.

Taylor smiled. His teeth were blindingly white and he was so, so very tall—taller and more beautiful than even the most high quality fan site photos had led her to believe. “Hey, Carolina… Laura. It’s good to see you guys.”

“Yeah,” Carolina said, feeling her own smile spreading across her face.

For a moment, the two just stood, staring. Carolina couldn’t even begin to think, and the awkward smile on Taylor’s face seemed to imply that he felt the same way. His eyes were wide, and Carolina was certain he must be thinking the same thing she was. It wasn’t even about the celebrity thing—it was just the simple fact that this person who had lived inside a screen was real. Really, truly real.

What were they supposed to do with that knowledge now? They both seemed to be at a loss.

“I sent you a message earlier,” Carolina said dumbly, hating the words as soon as they left her mouth. Her tone was accusatory. Almost scolding. As though she had any right to expect anything from him.

Taylor’s smile didn’t falter, though an eyebrow lifted slightly. Carolina decided she was in love with every single quirk and expression of his face, unusually proportioned though it all might be. “I replied right before you came out here. Didn’t it go through?”

She shook her head, but pulled out her phone anyway. No new messages. She held it up for him to see.

He held up his in return, and sure enough, there was a message informing her of the after party.

“Oh,” she replied. “Well, no. I didn’t get it. We can stay tomorrow night, though, so if it would be better to do it then…”

Taylor nodded. “I think it might be. I’m pretty sure I’m required to at least make an appearance at the party, and I don’t know if we have a hotel or if we’re sleeping in the van or what.”

“You sound as tired as I feel,” Laura said.

“Yeah, you had a pretty long drive, huh?”

“About three hours,” Laura replied.

“Little over an hour for me,” Carolina added.

“So you girls are probably ready for bed?” Taylor remarked, pulling his cigarettes out and lighting up another. He raised an eyebrow and held the pack out to each of them. They both shook their heads, and Carolina shot Laura a glance that made her giggle slightly.

“Maybe soon,” Laura replied. “But we were kind of looking for somewhere to light up first.”

Taylor stared at her, then looked back at Carolina, eyes wide. “I mean, if you’re going to share, I can try to get the van keys. Or we can just do it right here.”

Carolina stared, arms crossed over her chest, waiting for someone else to declare smoking pot on the street corner a stupid idea. Then again, was it? When in California, she decided, and shrugged.

Taylor grinned. “Well, alright. Right here it is.”

Carolina rolled her eyes, but didn’t speak as Laura pulled a carefully rolled joint from her purse and lit it with Taylor’s lighter. She stared at his lips as he took a hit and tried to ignore his eyes on her as she took a hit of her own. It was strong, better than the stuff she was accustomed to back home.

It had been too long, Carolina decided, but then again, she had never really felt like a stoner. It was just another persona she had tried on, and though it hadn’t fit quite right, it had still been who she was—or seemed to be—for a while. It was like putting on an old outfit, and finding that it still fit, but somehow didn’t quite look right.

She tried to hide her cough as she exhaled, then passed the joint back to Laura.

“Smoking up with a librarian,” Taylor remarked. “Feels dirty.”

At this rate, Carolina feared she might sprain her eye muscles.

“Librarians are people, too,” she shot back, then admitted, “I really don’t smoke much anymore, though. We’re people, but we’re county employees.”

“Yeah, but I mean… just get a weed card. Anxiety or something.”

“Well, that would at least be believable,” Carolina replied. “I probably should. I forget that’s even an option.”

“It’s my favorite thing about California,” Taylor shot back. “That, and the politics.”

Carolina nodded. “It is nice that I could register green and actually have someone to vote for out here. Or at least have options in the democratic primary.”

“Yeah?” Taylor raised an eyebrow again.

Carolina could see that she had surprised him. He wasn’t willing to admit it, though, just like he hadn’t commented on her accent like she expected him to. It was a relief—a strange one. Since moving, she had learned to brace herself for it, to minimize the accent and the dialect as much as possible. Taylor hadn’t even flinched when he heard her voice. Maybe he hadn’t noticed. Maybe he didn’t mind. Likewise, he changed topics from politics quickly after confirming that Laura, too, supported Obama.

As the three of them passed the joint back and forth, Carolina found it harder and harder to speak. Maybe it was the weed. Maybe it was being in Taylor’s presence. Maybe it was the surreality of it all, knowing there were other fans still milling around who had surely noticed the three of them. It was all too much. She found herself inching closer and closer to Taylor, as though being near him would protect her somehow from her worries and anxieties. Maybe he would understand all the things she couldn’t say, like how much more time she wanted with him, time she knew she wouldn’t get.

“Alright, who’s got the pot?” A voice said. Carolina didn’t recognize the sound, but soon realized it was coming from Robert Schwartzman, who had materialized as if out of thin air. Another member of the band, whose name she couldn’t remember, was behind him.

“My new best friends, Carolina and Laura,” Taylor replied, offering the joint to Robert, who accepted it willingly.  
The five of them made small talk, with Laura leading most of it, while they passed a second joint around.

Carolina’s mind felt hazier and hazier, and still she inched closer and closer to Taylor, wondering if anyone else—including him—even noticed.

“Hey, we’re gonna head over to the after party,” Robert said, clapping Taylor on the shoulder. “Make sure you find us later; Locke found us a hotel for free. It’s just one room for all of us, but it’s free.”

“Hope he doesn’t mind spooning with me,” Taylor replied, then turned back to Carolina and Laura. “You girls want to head over to the club?”

“Maybe just for a little while,” Carolina said. “I’m not as much of a partier as I used to be.”

Taylor eyed her. “I find that hard to believe.”

Carolina couldn’t formulate an answer to that.

The whole troupe of them began to walk down the street, and again Carolina wondered what they must all look like. She wondered what the other band members must think of her and Laura. Taylor hadn’t really introduced them—they were just two girls with weed. Did the band think they were groupies? _Were_ they groupies? It was just all too much for Carolina to try to puzzle out on her own, and she had no desire to ask anyone how they saw her.

There were, unsurprisingly, a cluster of people gathered outside the club, the majority of them female. A few called out to Robert, and to Taylor—Locke or Hanson, Carolina wasn’t quite sure. One approached Taylor directly, positioning herself directly between Carolina and him, and she supposed that solved that riddle.

“Would you believe I have my old Hanson CD with me?” The girl asked. “Could you sign it for me?”

“Sure,” Taylor replied, flashing her an obviously practiced smile, even though his eyes still showed that he was caught off guard. The other girl didn’t seem to see it, although it seemed plain as day to Carolina. He glanced back at Carolina, his expression seeming to say she shouldn’t wait on him.

She offered Laura a shrug, then followed her into the club. It was teeming with bodies, all dancing to music that Carolina barely recognized. She found a spot along the wall and waited while Laura retrieved shots for both of them. She didn’t want to drink; she was already feeling the strong weed more than she wanted to. She needed her mind to be semi-clear to deal with being this close to Taylor. Then again, maybe not. Maybe it would be better if she had a few drinks. When she was drunk, she didn’t worry about embarrassing herself or saying the wrong thing. She often _did_ , but it could always be blamed on the alcohol, and in any case, she wouldn’t feel the anxiety that accompanied trying to fit in. She could just exist in the moment and worry about the consequences later.

The shot burned, and so did Carolina’s thoughts as she waited… and waited… for Taylor to appear. The club had a number of rooms and alcoves, but she thought she was close enough to do the door that, were Taylor to walk in, she would see him.

She didn’t see him.

Three songs had played, at least. They all seemed to blur together. Laura went back for two more shots.

“I think I need some fresh air,” Carolina said, wiping away a drop a whiskey that had missed the mark.  
Laura nodded. “We’ll both go. Safety in numbers.”

The two of them walked outside together. It was still oppressively warm, despite the late hour. Carolina sighed as she sat down on a ledge along the wall of the club. No Taylor in sight. Out of habit, she pulled her phone from her purse, and saw one new message notification. It had slipped in without her noticing in the noise of the club. She opened the message.

 **sacred fool:** you in the club? the party’s not so bad

 **xcityofnightx:** stepped outside for some fresh air

 **sacred fool:** come back in and hang

She couldn’t say no to that; she didn’t even try. She showed the messages to Laura, then typed:

 **xcityofnightx:** okay be there in a sec

They walked back into the club, showing their stamps to the bouncer as they went. They wiggled their way through the crowd, easily spotting Taylor’s blonde hair above the rest of the crowd. There was a gaggle of girls around him, looking obviously and suspiciously like fans. Carolina tried not to roll her eyes. She had been friendly to one of those girls in line before Laura arrived, and they were nice enough, but she couldn’t really relate to these girls who showed up in old Hanson tour t-shirts and spouted off endless trivia about Taylor. She wasn’t ever going to be one of them, and she didn’t want Taylor to think she was.

That was judgmental and unfair, Carolina knew, but after standing outside the club for so long, talking to Taylor like he was a normal human being, Carolina’s world had shifted. He really _was_ a normal human being. The flirtatious party boy he appeared to be—he was nothing like that off stage. Maybe he just wasn’t interested in her, but Carolina couldn’t help thinking that it was more than that. He was someone real, with depth and emotion, and Carolina wanted that guy to like her. Not the one plastered on t-shirts. The real guy.

She brushed her hand over his arm as she walked by, just to get his attention, and smiled. He gave her a slight nod and a smile, and the other girls didn’t even seem to notice at all.

“Another drink?” Laura suggested.

“Rum and coke,” Carolina said, as if by reflex. It was always her drink of choice, because it was easy to order no matter how loud the bar or intoxicated the person ordering.

Carolina handed several bills to Laura, then found a spot by a high-top table, leaning her elbows heavily on it. It had been a long day and trying to figure out how to act around Taylor and a surprising number of other fans was proving difficult. She wasn’t prepared for any of this.

“Don’t look now, but…” Laura said, reappearing by her side. “Actually, do look now, because you’re not going to believe this shit.”

Carolina followed Laura’s nod toward the bar, and saw immediately what she meant. A familiar tall, thin figure had Taylor pinned up against the bar. With her stilettos, she was nearly his height, and one long leg was positioned between his. Her hand was on the back of his neck, and Carolina didn’t even want to know what she was whispering in his ear.

Judging by the look on his face, Taylor didn’t want to know either. When the girl shifted positions, Taylor glanced at Carolina over his shoulder.

“Do something,” Laura hissed.

“I can’t.” Carolina shook her head. “Remember her? She was one of those girls earlier, from the line for the show. Her name is Holland. I may sound crazy, but she’s doing this because of me. To prove a point. She can have him; I can’t. Why would I ever think I was pretty enough for him?”

“Well, she looks like a pathetic slut,” Laura remarked.

Carolina shrugged. “Whether it works on him or not, I’m not sure it matters. I can’t step in. He can’t know that this is about me. He can’t know that I know wannabe groupies like that And honestly, I didn't even know she was... like that. All of those girls were just fun to go out drinking or go to a concert with; I didn't really dig any deeper than that."

"Maybe it's just the alcohol, but man, she must have had a lot," Laura replied.

"I just wish I could have--but there's really nothing I can do." Carolina shook her head, willing herself to look away.

Laura agreed that it was probably best not to intervene, and switched the topic to the anthology they had just submitted their final drafts for. Carolina listened, but she couldn’t stop watching. Taylor inched further and further down the bar, but Holland didn’t seem to notice or be deterred at all. Finally, Taylor rounded the corner and Robert appeared with Louie in tow. He was just good looking enough to catch Holland’s attention. While Carolina laughed, Taylor slipped out of her grasp and vanished.

“You know the worst part of that?” Carolina asked, pulling out her phone in hopes of another message from Taylor. “I’m pretty sure she has a boyfriend.”

Laura shook her head. “It takes all kinds. Let’s get out of here.”

By the time the two had finished their drinks and worked their way through the crowd, Taylor had vanished again. For someone so tall, who naturally stood out in a crowd and drew attention to himself whether he was trying or not, he also seemed to become invisible at will. It was a skill Carolina wished she possessed.

As the two of them walked the block and a half to their hotel, Carolina couldn’t shake the images of Taylor and Holland from her mind. It was so obvious to her that he wasn’t interested, and that didn’t really compute. Holland was tall, thin and not terribly unattractive in the face; in Carolina’s experience, that was all men looked for. Short and soft around the edges, like she was, didn’t stand a chance against the model types.

Yet Taylor hadn’t been interested. He had all but run away, in fact. Carolina could only conclude that it wasn’t her looks, but her desperation, that drove him away. A rockstar who didn’t want a groupie? She supposed there was a first time for everything. But there wouldn’t, she realized, be a first time for the two of them if he thought she was just like Holland or any of the girls who were only interested in him because he was with the band.


	6. Had a Taste; I'm Already Wasted

_And I've been sitting second guessing all alone  
I guess you know you'll never find it if you want it  
And you've been standing right in front all along  
Yeah, you've been standing right in front of me all along_

_And if I need you, would you carry me home?  
You know I don't really care where we go  
And in the morning under sheets and shadows  
I think I love you_

Carolina stayed quiet once they were back in the hotel room. She changed into her pajamas and began getting ready for bed, but couldn’t focus on any of the conversation Laura tried to make. She hated herself for it, but she was still so focused on everything that had happened that night and how it all had gone so wrong. 

Then again… had it? 

Taylor hadn’t, as far as she could tell, left the club with anyone else. It was best, she decided, that she hadn’t been able to flirt with him any more than that. She didn’t think she had successfully shown her feelings to him, but that was perhaps better than being seen as a groupie. 

Still, she felt like she was back where she started. Just another fan he was vaguely acquainted with.

She climbed into bed and plugged her phone into its charger at the outlet by the bed. As she did so, she saw a new notification. Taylor. She opened the message.

 **sacred fool:** so awkward question but… would laura be willing to sell us a jay?

“Umm,” Carolina said, clearing her throat. Laura walked out of the bathroom, a makeup wipe in hand. “Would you be willing to sell Taylor a joint?”

Laura shrugged. “Tell him five bucks.”

Carolina obediently typed her reply.

 **xcityofnightx:** she says it’ll be $5

 **sacred fool:** you’re staying at the hotel just around the corner, right? i don’t really know where we are so gimme like 30

 **xcityofnightx:** okay, we’ll meet you downstairs

“He says they’ll be here in thirty minutes,” Carolina said, looking at the clock and groaning. It was already one in the morning. She was getting old, Carolina realized. She was old, boring and pathetic. Why would she ever think Taylor would want anything to do with someone like her? 

At least she had weed, if only by proxy. If it weren’t for that, he probably wouldn’t bother with her. That wasn’t much consolation, but it was good enough for her, she decided.

“Are you putting your clothes on again?” Laura asked.

Carolina groaned again and ran a hand across her face. “I really, really don’t feel like it. But I should probably get all this grimy makeup off my face.”

Laura tossed her the packet of makeup wipes, and Carolina scurried into the bathroom with them. Her pajamas weren’t the sexiest, with Batgirl on the shorts, but at least the t-shirt she wore with them was low cut. With that much cleavage showing, maybe Taylor wouldn’t notice her superhero shorts and makeup-less face.

She realized, as she scrubbed at her mascara, that she didn’t actually care if Taylor saw her with no makeup on. If she hadn’t impressed him yet, in her tank top and tight jeans, it wouldn’t matter how he saw her now. In any case, her acne had finally realized she was an adult, and she really didn’t _need_ all the makeup she slathered on as a force of habit. She truly didn’t look bad at all, she decided. Maybe she was too hard on herself.

She ran her fingers through her hair and decided that was as good as any of it was going to get. Taylor might as well see her for who she really was. If he wasn’t interested, it wouldn’t matter. If he was, it was at least truth in advertising; he would know what he was getting himself into—nothing more and nothing less.

Carolina and Laura sat around the room for a few minutes, making small talk about the concert before Carolina’s phone buzzed again.

 **sacred fool:** on our way

They made their way downstairs, through the expansive lobby of the hotel. They walked out the front doors, and Carolina realized the fatal flaw in their plan. Valet parking. A large, menacing figure in a hotel uniform hovered by the door. Carolina began to say something to Laura, and then she saw it.

A non-descript white van pulled into the cul de sac and came to a gradual stop. The driver’s side window was down, and Taylor’s arm rested casually on the window frame. The surreality of it all struck Carolina again. She walked up to the window and rocked back and forth on her heels, hoping someone else would speak first—and that it wouldn’t be the valet.

“Hop in,” Taylor said with a casual nod. 

Carolina looked at Laura, then shrugged slightly. The two of them padded around to the other side of their van, their flip flops seeming to echo as loudly as firecrackers on the cobblestones. Laura climbed into the van first, and Carolina followed behind her. The other Taylor sat in the passenger seat, and he offered the two girls a big smile. Carolina barely managed to return it, her fingernails digging into the seat as they pulled out of the cul de sac and into the street. She glanced out the window while Laura and Taylor Locke exchanged the joint and a five dollar bill.

As they circled the block and Laura made small talk with the Taylors, Carolina began to wonder if there was truly something malfunctional about her. They weren’t flirting, they weren’t talking about anything deep… yet she fell completely silent, unable to participate at all. No wonder Taylor seemed oblivious to her interest, if she couldn’t say a word to him.

All too soon, they pulled in front of the hotel again. Carolina obediently filed out of the van and walked around to stand in front of the driver’s side window. She smiled up at Taylor, still unsure what to say. He smiled back.

“Sorry we couldn’t make the hotel show thing work,” he said.

Carolina wanted to say he was welcome to come up to their room right then, but she didn’t. There was a public parking garage he could have used, but she knew he hadn’t brought his guitar or anything. Not to mention—it would have been only the four of them. She wouldn’t have even been able to pretend that it was really a hotel show she was looking for, and it would have put Laura and Locke into a really awkward position.

No, there was simply no good way to make it happen. She wasn’t going to get Taylor alone, no matter what she did or said. 

“It’s okay,” she replied. “Maybe next time.”

“Next time,” Taylor repeated, as though the words held more meaning and promise than they really did. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Carolina replied, the word coming out as little more than a whisper.

She felt pathetic and useless as she watched the van drive away. Had any of that really happened? Had it meant anything at all? It was difficult to say.

****

The next morning, Carolina and Laura took their time showering and packing. They knew they were on a deadline to check out of the hotel room, but neither of them was in a hurry to let their mini-vacation end. It had all seemed so unreal and had gone by so quickly that Carolina wanted to cling to every little bit of it that was left.

After checking out, because they couldn’t delay that all day, they moved their cars to the public garage nearby and walked a couple blocks to a coffee shop Carolina had heard was supposed to be good. She hadn’t been to San Francisco before, and she did wish for more time to explore the city itself more, but that wasn’t the only reason she didn’t want to leave town.

The other reason presented itself as soon as they walked into the busy coffee shop. Standing by the counter was the unmistakable figure of Taylor Hanson himself… and right next to him was Holland, the rest of her friends hovering nearby.

“What are the fucking chances,” Carolina mumbled.

“Go say something,” Laura hissed. “Don’t let that slut win.”

“You know I can’t,” Carolina replied. She ducked her head and joined the line to order. Maybe if she didn’t look his way again, Taylor wouldn’t see her either. Maybe she could just disappear completely and not have to put herself in the middle of such an awkward situation.

The line moved slowly, and Carolina wished the floor would just open up and swallow her whole as she waited for the barista to call her number. 

“Hey, Carolina!”

No such luck.

“Oh, hey,” she replied, glancing up and pasting on what she hoped was an appropriately blank and surprised look as Laura conveniently vanished. “I didn’t even see you there.”

“Yeah, we’re just grabbing a little something for the road. I thought we were sticking around today, but the guys decided against it. Wish we could have stayed; I really wanted a chance to play a couple songs for you.”

“There will be other chances,” Carolina replied, shrugging as dismissively as she could manage, even though the truth was that the disappointment ran all the way down to her bones. “It’s not like we live that far apart. I mean, okay, we kinda do. But we’re in the same state. Surely we’ll cross paths again.”

“For sure,” Taylor said. Carolina tried not to stare at Holland, who was inching closer and closer, seemingly undeterred by the fact that Taylor had chosen to ignore her. Carolina wasn’t sure it was a victory or if she was just a handy distraction for him. A part of her wasn’t sure it mattered which one was true. Taylor leaned in a little closer and she decided it was definitely a victory that she remained upright. “So hey, I did wanna say thanks for all your help last night.”

Carolina just shrugged and smiled. She could feel her face burning and was sure her cheeks were bright red. She wondered if Taylor heard the potential double meaning in what he had said. Maybe he did. Maybe he had done it on purpose. She had no intention of asking.

“You’re welcome,” she said, choosing to also leave out the fact that it was really Laura who had been so _helpful_. 

“Are you girls hanging around for a while?” Taylor asked. 

“Oh no, we just walked over here for breakfast before we leave. Laura has a bit of a drive.”

“Well, at least you didn’t have far to walk from your hotel,” he replied.

He had to be doing it on purpose, and judging by the look on Holland’s face, she heard it, too. Carolina had been helpful _last night_ and Taylor knew where her hotel was. The implication was clear, and Holland didn’t need to know that it wasn’t at all what it seemed. 

“That’s true, I guess,” Carolina managed to squeak out. “Just wish we could have done the hotel show.”

“Next time,” Taylor replied, and the sincerity in his voice made Carolina forget that it was probably an empty promise.

One of Holland’s other friends, Justice, suddenly piped up. “Oh, are you in the band?”

“Did you guys miss the opening act last night?” Laura said, appearing with her arms loaded own with food. Carolina lightened her load by one latte. “He was right there, center stage.”

“I’m going to have to look your music up on Myspace,” Holland said, the words dripping with far more syrup that seemed necessary. “And we have _got_ to take another selfie before you leave.”

“Why don’t we all take one?” Taylor replied, his hand brushing Carolina’s shoulder as he motioned for her to move in. “Come on, everybody get in the pic.”

Holland wiggled her way into a spot right next to Taylor, and Carolina found herself incapable of moving in as close as she would have liked. It all seemed so pointless. She wasn’t going to compete. If he hadn’t already seen through Holland, realized how much of a shallow groupie she was, nothing Carolina could do would change it. 

He snapped a few pics and promised to post them on Myspace later. Carolina found herself inching away, mumbling something about how her bagel was going to get cold.

Taylor put his hand on her arm and said, “Keep in touch, though. We’ll make something happen.”

“Okay,” she managed to squeak out.

“It was great to meet you,” Taylor said, sweeping her up in a hug that made her nearly spill her latte all over him. “See you later.”

“Great—great to meet you, too,” she mumbled into the shoulder of his leather jacket. It was soft and warm and surprisingly soft considering he was all long limbs and hard angles. 

Taylor offered Laura a hug too, and Carolina couldn’t help noticing that he didn’t do the same for Holland and her friends. It didn’t matter that, as she walked away, Holland was still there, blathering on in his general direction. Carolina was fairly certain that, all things considered, it had at least been a draw. She hadn’t won, not in the way she had thought she wanted, but neither had Holland.


	7. Ruined My Life By Not Being Mine

 

_You make me so happy it turns back to sad_   
_There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have_   
_You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad_   
_You're gorgeous_   
_You make me so happy it turns back to sad_   
_There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have_   
_You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad_   
_You're gorgeous_

It was all too easy for Carolina to return to her normal life after the brief San Francisco vacation. She hated how easy it was, in fact. It was like nothing had ever happened. She had never met Taylor. He had not looked at her from the stage. They hadn’t stared at each other with that strange, comfortably uncomfortable silence covering them. She had not accepted a joint from his calloused hand and tried not to meet his glance as she took a long hit. She hadn’t fallen in love.

She could repeat those things over and over again, but even as the memories faded and became part of the whole tapestry of strange memories in her life, the feelings remained.

Carolina returned to work and settled back into her regular schedule, because she didn’t know what else to do. While that mini-vacation might have suggested otherwise, she was not an interesting person. She was, in fact, a profoundly boring person. She spent her days at work and her evenings with her cats and novels. That was it. That was her life, and she wasn’t sure if she _liked_ it that way but she was content.

Just a few days after returning to her regular life, she found herself back at the Felton branch. It was just a few minutes from her house, but it was also the smallest of the libraries in the county. That meant less traffic, but fewer ways to avoid interacting with them.

It was entirely possible, Carolina considered, that she had picked the wrong profession given that she was not at all a people person.

The small size of that branch also increased the likelihood that she would not be able to stay in the office all day. For one, it was barely big enough to even warrant the name office. There was a small desk crammed into a corner where she could do most of her work, but she had to do some of the book repairing and processing on a table by the reference section. At other times, it simply became necessary for Carolina to help out at the front desk.

On that particular day, it was a combination of the two. She tried to remain in the office as much as possible, waiting for the branch manager to specifically call her name before she left her hiding place. As long as she wasn’t summoned, she assumed she was safe, and so she stayed seated as long as possible. Late in the afternoon, when the library was even quieter than usual, she gathered up her book repair supplies and walked out past the circulation desk. She paused by the desk when she noticed a particularly creepy patron standing in front of it, chatting with the branch manager. She hated herself for stumbling and potentially drawing attention to herself. The branch manager gave her a nod, as if to say he had everything under control, and Carolina scurried away, her head down.

Her work for that afternoon was a stack of books that had been poorly processed, or perhaps just processed in the stone age, given how yellowed and dried out the glue holding them together was. It was easy enough, but tedious, work that required carefully peeling the old dust jacket covers off, replacing them with new ones and gluing the new ones into place. At this point, Carolina was fairly certain she could repair an entire library full of books in her sleep.

The only difficult part was physically smashing the books together to make sure the glue set and they didn’t just fall apart again as soon as she walked away. It took a little more upper body strength that Carolina possessed, depending on the size of the book, and required her to stand up from her table and really put her back into it.

Just as she leaned over to press one particularly heavy large print book down, she felt it. A warm hand on the small of her back. “That looks like a pretty tough job for someone your size.”

Carolina froze. She wanted to tell him to stop. To get his hand off her body. She wanted to scream. Then again, it was only her lower back. Was it _that_ bad? She hated herself for even questioning it. Couldn’t he feel how tense she was? He was close enough she could practically smell his breath. She let out a nervous laugh, but her mouth was too dry for anything more than that. It was that bad.

“Carolina,” the branch manager Jeff said, having appeared out of nowhere. “Why don’t you let me take over there? I think it’s time for your break.”

She mouthed _thank you_ , and sidled away from the man, not looking back at him as she scurried into the office. She closed the door behind her, which was typically considered disallowed, but she didn’t care right then. She didn’t care about anything except getting as far away from that creepy old man as she could.

Carolina slid to the floor, her back pressed against the closed door. It was difficult for her to define how she felt right then. Violated? She supposed. What he had done seemed so minor, yet she knew this wasn’t the first time he had come close to the line with both her and other female patrons. If she wasn’t the one to draw a line somewhere, how much farther would he go the next time? She didn’t want to think about it.

She realized, with disgust, that there was a fine line between assault and the sort of touch she craved. It seemed obvious that the line varied depending on how attractive the person with wandering hands was to the person he was touching. Yet as obvious as that seemed, it also seemed wrong somehow. Unfair. If she was attracted to him, Carolina knew she would let a guy get away with a lot more, things that perhaps she shouldn’t allow. Yet she was the arbiter of who was and wasn’t allowed to touch her, and it didn’t matter what her reasoning was—if she said no, that was all there was to it.

_So why hadn’t she been able to actually say no?_

Carolina groaned and buried her head in her hands. What had just happened to her was so small, something she knew she should be able to easily recover from. But it was just enough to reveal to her how there truly was a massive gray area where assault was concerned, and how it was not as simple as she wanted it to be. It didn’t matter that she logically knew what was wrong and what she should have done—how a person actually reacted and felt when violated was impossible to predict.

With another groan, she pulled herself out of the floor. There was no point in feeling sorry for herself. She could have reacted better, been firm with the creep, but she trusted Jeff to handle it. This would be the last straw for someone who had been a problem for the library for quite some time. Things would be fine. She would be fine.

She made her way back to her desk, and saw that there was a new notification on her phone. It was a text message from Laura.

_Check T’s LJ. He’s starting up a new fan club thing. I’m already signed up._

_Speaking of guys she would want to touch her…_ Carolina thought. She rolled her eyes at herself for recovering so quickly _and_ for being so shallow. Nevertheless, she clicked on Firefox and navigated her way to Taylor’s journal to read whatever it was Laura was referring to in her text.

 

 

* * *

Jordan Taylor (sacredfool83) wrote,  
2007-10-10 11:39:08

**Subject: on the road again**

Hey y’all.

First of all, I want to say a massive thank you to everyone I was able to meet on the west coast leg of the tour. It was awesome to have so much support out on the road, even though I wasn’t the headliner. Seeing how much love and support you guys have for my music, I decided to finally put into motion a plan I’ve had in the back of my mind for a while.

With the help of my tech savvy brother Zac, my website is now fully functional. There’s a new section for my brand new fan club. Sign up and you’ll get early access to my new music, including an EP that is in production right now and should be ready to ship by the time the east coast leg of the tour is finished. You’ll also get handwritten lyrics to your favorite Jordan Taylor song, and any more goodies I can think of. It’s all pretty new and I don’t really know how it’s going to work, but I hope it helps this awesome community of fans I have to grow and become even closer and more awesome.

We’ll be back on the road in just two short weeks, and I look forward to meeting any of you who plan on coming to those shows!

 

* * *

 

Almost hating herself for being such a willing, desperate fan, Carolina clicked on the link to his website. She dutifully filled out the fan club registration form, providing her Paypal account for the yearly fee. It was pathetic, she thought, how Taylor had her in the palm of his hand and had no clue. If he said jump, she would ask how high. She would be ashamed of herself for it, but she would still do it.

She had just received the email confirmation of her membership when the office door opened and Jeff walked in.

“Are you cool? You can take the rest of the afternoon off if you need to. I finished up the other two books you had left, so no worries about those.”

Carolina shook her head. “Just… is he gone? If he’s still here, I can work back here, but I’d rather not go back out there.”

“Oh no, he’s gone,” Jeff replied, crossing his arms over his chest. “You know I’m not the toughest, but I told him how things were going to be. I took down all his information, and I’m sending it over to the main branch right now to get him officially banned. And I _will_ call the police if he comes back in.”

“I really, really appreciate that,” Carolina said, feeling childish as she stared back up at Jeff, even though she knew he wasn’t that much older than her—he was in his mid-thirties at the most.

“Do you want me to call the cops now? I can do that. I have no problem with that. Really, I shouldn’t have let it go on as long as it has without taking more drastic steps.”

Carolina shook her head. “No, I just want to know he won’t be back in here again. I don’t think we need to bring in the police and make that big of a thing out of it. Then people will be worried about coming in here, even though the problem is taken care of. And it’s not like you could have known; until today, he hadn’t really done anything. Just giving women the creeps isn’t against library policies.”

“It isn’t, but I’m starting to think it should be,” Jeff shot back.

Carolina let out a soft chuckle somewhat in spite of herself. “Maybe you should bring that up at the next board meeting.”

“I’ll make a note of it,” Jeff replied, a soft smile letting Carolina know he was mostly joking as well. “Like I said, why don’t you just work quietly back here? And if you want to leave a few minutes early, I’ll look the other way.”

“Thanks,” Carolina replied.

Jeff gave her a nod, then headed back to the circulation desk. Carolina heaved a long sigh, willing her mind to focus on work again. Between the creepy patron and her stupid feelings for Taylor, her mind was all over the place. She couldn’t stop it from imagining what it would have felt like to have Taylor behind her, his long, thin hand that low on her back…

Help. She definitely needed help. Maybe taking the rest of the afternoon off wasn’t such a bad idea.


	8. Been Waiting My Whole Damn Life

 

_Maybe I couldn't tell you why_   
_I didn't hide the first night I met you_   
_We were locking eyes_   
_They said you'd be like all the other guys_   
_Two faced, but too numb to know it_   
_Telling your pretty lies_

All too soon, November arrived. It was typically one of Carolina’s favorite months, because it was NaNoWriMo time. She had written her first novel during November her junior year of college, and had participated every year after that. This year, she decided to dive back into the novel that she had been blocked on for months, in hopes that the month’s momentum would propel her to finally finish it.

The main downtown branch held a big write-in the first weekend of the month, and since she wasn’t scheduled to work that day, Carolina decided to attend strictly as a patron. It was always strange to walk into the library in her normal clothes, like Superman turning back into Clark Kent, but she hoped that the energy of the event—and the snacks provided—would help her to reach her word count for the day.

On the other hand, she wasn’t exactly a people person. As soon as she saw the crowd that had arrived for the event, Carolina had second thoughts. She took a deep breath to calm her nerves, then grabbed a diet soda and a cupcake from the concessions area. A quick glance around revealed one lone, empty seat that wasn’t surrounded by a ton of other people, and Carolina made a beeline for it.

She devoured her cupcake in just a few quick bites, then pulled her laptop from her bag and opened the file for her latest project. It was part of a series, and she knew her readers were anxious to see what would happen next. The last time she had looked at the file, the characters had simply refused to cooperate and hop into bed with each other the way they were supposed to. Carolina had suspected that her own lengthy dry spell was starting to have an effect on her writing. Nothing had truly changed on that front, but with thoughts of Taylor still popping into her mind at inopportune moments, she felt a new sort of inspiration.

 

_Callum sat his wine glass down on the kitchen counter and eyed Turner closely. “Are you asking how many other men I’ve been with? I’m not sure that’s really an appropriate question at this point in our…”_

_“Our…?” Turner repeated, teasingly._

_“Our whatever this is,” Callum replied, shrugging his shoulders as dismissively as he could manage. It was a decent recovery from his near-slip-up, he thought._

_“I’m not asking how many men you’ve been with, exactly. I’m just trying to figure out if you’re really that innocent or just not interested in me personally.”_

_Callum walked around to the other side of the kitchen island, stopping barely a foot away from Turner. “Is that really what you think?”_

_Turner shrugged. “We’ve been on I don’t even know how many dates—for weeks—and you’ve barely done more than kiss me. You’ve invited me into your house, and the way you’re acting, I’m expecting to be sent home before midnight. So give me a reason to think otherwise.”_

_“Okay,” Callum said plainly. There would be time later to discuss all the reasons why he was still hesitant to get involved with someone new, even though it had been nearly a year since his last disaster of a relationship. Right then, his bluff had been called and his pride would not allow him to go on without proving to Turner that he was insanely turned on by him._

_He grasped the bowl in Turner’s hand, which contained a now rapidly cooling and simultaneously melting hot fudge sundae, and placed it on the countertop with a loud, decisive clatter. That done, he closed the gap between their bodies and pressed his lips harshly against Turner’s. Callum could tell that Turner wanted to speak, but he didn’t give him space or time to do so._

_“Mmm, well,” Turner managed to say when Callum finally ended the kiss, their mouths parting with an audible pop._

_“Does that prove anything?” He asked._

_“I could use a little more evidence, I think,” Turner shot back._

_“You asked for it,” Callum mumbled, dropping to his knees on the tile. It hurt a little, but he ignored that feeling as he tugged on Turner’s belt, button and zipper. He was pleasantly surprised to see that Turner was already semi-hard and hadn’t bothered to wear underwear that day. Callum was sure he should be angry that Turner was just that cocky about his chances of getting laid, but he could worry about that later. Right then, all he cared about was getting his hand around Turner’s cock and bringing it up to its full length, which he was easily able to do in only a few strokes._

_He glanced up at Turner, and raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. Turner’s head was thrown back, but Callum still got the hint._

_Callum leaned in and let his tongue dart out, just enough to taste the bead of come on the tip of Turner’s dick. It was salty, with just a hint of sweetness, and Callum decided he wanted much, much more. He opened his mouth and took as much of Turner’s generous girth into his mouth as he could, letting out a low moan as he did so. It had been so long; he hadn’t even had so much as a one night stand since—well, there was no point in thinking about him now. All that mattered was that something had been awoken in him again, and he wanted to feel it all._

 

“Umm, excuse me?”

Carolina blinked and glanced up. She had nearly forgotten where she was. She had finally begun the scene that had eluded her for months and, apparently, drained an entire Diet Coke in the process. Whatever it took to get the words down, she supposed. She blinked at the person standing in front of her, and it took a moment for her to come into focus. She looked familiar, but Carolina couldn’t think why.

“I haven’t seen you since Megan moved away,” the girl said.

Carolina blinked at her again. _Right. Megan._ She had been an assistant in the teen section when Carolina started with the Santa Cruz system. Carolina had liked her, but had never hung out with her and her friends outside of work. She always felt guilty for not making more friends, but never put in the effort to do it, either. If people wanted to hang out with her, they could make plans just as easily as she could—moreso, in fact, if they weren’t as painfully introverted as she was.

“Sorry, I am horrible with names. And faces, actually. Alana, right?”

“Yeah, that’s me.” She giggled. “And it’s okay. I wasn’t actually sure it was you at first either.”

“It’s the fact that I’m in normal clothes, isn’t it?” Carolina asked, giving a laugh of her own. She had liked this girl, too, as much or more than she liked working with Megan. She had hung out at the library a lot because she knew Megan would give her extra time on the computers, but she spent as much time talking to the librarians her age as she did studying for her nursing classes.

“Yeah, that was part of it,” Alana replied. She sat down in a nearby chair and pulled it closer to Carolina’s. “But also, umm, did I see you at the Rooney show the other night? I thought it was you, but again, seeing you not in your librarian clothes is kind of weird.”

Carolina tensed, but forced out a laugh. What, exactly, had Alana seen? She didn’t want to ask. She had keep a close eye on the LiveJournal communities for Rooney and Taylor, constantly paranoid that she would see someone talking about the groupies smoking up with the band after the show. Nothing had surfaced, and after a week or two, she had forgotten to keep checking.

“Sorry I didn’t say anything, but you know how it is at concerts. You don’t want to lose your spot. And I had to have a good one for this show, because I loved their opening act, too.”

“Oh, Taylor?” Carolina said, his name coming out before she could think.

“Yeah, you know him?”

Carolina shook her head, then shrugged as dismissively as she could manage. “I mean, yeah, technically I do. We met that night. But I was a Hanson fan for years and kind of kept up with his solo stuff.”

“Oh, were you the girl who was supposed to do the hotel show that night? I had no clue it was you or I would have tried to invite myself.”

“I would have invited you,” Carolina replied, “but I didn’t know you were a fan either.”

Alana giggled. “Oh my god, I had the biggest crush on him when I was younger. I can’t even imagine being in a hotel room with him. That must have been nuts.”

“Well, it ended up not happening. But I don’t know what I would have done either.” Carolina was pleased with herself; she sounded genuine, and like any other normal fan.

“But you guys still got to hang out, though, right? My family is back in Los Angeles, so I’ve seen him around, but it’s not like I really know him. Not like that.”

“I don’t know him like anything,” Carolina shot back.

“Sorry, I just thought—I mean, I didn’t think he would do a hotel show for just anyone, and to be honest you kinda seem like his type.”

Carolina laughed out loud, then clamped her hand over her mouth to muffle the sound before it attracted any more attention. “Trust me, I really don’t think I am. I have no clue who is, but it’s safe to say it’s not me.”

“Well, I shouldn’t say anything, but I know he’s not opposed to getting involved with his fans. He’s done it before. This girl I sort of know—we’ve gone to some concerts together--well, she’s sleeping with him. She wants a relationship, but he doesn’t.” Alana paused, and Carolina wondered if she could actually hear her heart breaking. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, though, given how open and free Taylor seemed to be and how much he blogged about enjoying the single life. Alana pasted on a smile and continued, “Oh, but I’m sure it wouldn’t be like that with you. Honestly, you seem like someone he would really like and would want more with.”

Carolina shook her head. “Well, I can honestly say that nothing like that happened and it isn’t going to. We met and we hung out, but it wasn’t _like that_ at all.”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything,” Alana replied.

“It’s fine,” Carolina said. Before she could stop herself, she asked, “It’s not that Mia girl, is it? The one in like all his MySpace pictures?”

It was Alana’s turn to laugh then, and the high-pitched sound she made did cause a few heads to turn. Finally, she managed to stop, and said, “It’s definitely not Mia. I really, really shouldn’t say who. But Mia is Zac’s girlfriend. Nothing ever has happened or ever will happen between her and Taylor, I can promise you that.”

“Wow,” Carolina replied, at a complete loss for anything more eloquent to say. There were plenty of thoughts swirling around her head thanks to all this new information, but there was no point in saying any of it out loud.

“Well,” Alana said, and stood up abruptly. “I just wanted to say hi. We should get together some time, and we’re definitely going together the next time Taylor comes to town. I should try to go write a few words, now.”

“Yeah… we’ll do that,” Carolina mumbled, forcing a smile.

As soon as Alana was gone, she slammed her laptop shut. She had no reason not to trust what this girl said, although the way she volunteered the information had been strange. But Alana was someone she had known for over a year. She wasn’t some random fan with a hidden agenda. Probably. She could be that _and_ some Carolina had known for years, she realized.

Still, the things she said had didn’t surprise Carolina—except for that tidbit about Mia, whose photos with Taylor and half-naked at her modelling gigs made Carolina inordinately jealous. Taylor might have rejected Holland, but that didn’t mean he was some perfect person who never gave in to temptation. He was a normal, single adult male, like any other guy Carolina had known. She shouldn’t have expected him to be any better than the rest. She shouldn’t have expected anything from him at all.

She should just forget about him and get on with her life. It wasn’t like she was truly in love with him, anyway. He was just some musician she’d had a crush on. There were any number of guys on that list. The only difference was that she had gotten to meet this one in person, and some of the spell had been broken. Now the entire illusion was gone, and she could move on.


	9. The Mystery That I Am Solving

_Now I toss and turn  
Now I only toss and turn  
When will I ever learn?  
Boy, I never listen_

_Cause I'm a hopeless romantic  
When I should run for my life  
Honey, I don't understand it  
Cause it's magic, but it's tragic  
I know you're gonna eat me alive  
You're gonna eat me alive_

Against her better judgment, Carolina let herself be talked into visiting her family for Thanksgiving. She hadn’t been back to West Virginia in over two years, and thankfully, that streak continued. If her mother’s family hadn’t decided to all gather in the Smokies for the holiday, Carolina doubted she would have agreed to visit at all.

As soon as she arrived, she regretted it. She was the youngest of all her cousins, and aside from one with a long-term live-in girlfriend, the only single one. If her spinster status wasn’t a direct topic of conversation, it still made her the odd one out when everyone else was discussing their husbands and kids and she had nothing to contribute to the conversation.

The day after Thanksgiving, Carolina had opted to stay in the cabin while nearly everyone else went out shopping in the early hours of the morning. While she was far from a morning person, it was the first little scrap of privacy she had found during the entire week and she was determined to take advantage of it. The cabin didn’t have wifi, but there was a router with a short cord that provided fairly decent speeds once she had connected her laptop to it and convinced it to connect to the unfamiliar network. 

Her very first stop online was LiveJournal, to look at new photos and stories from the latest tour stops. Taylor and Rooney were in Canada now, and all of Taylor’s own photos had long, whiny captions about how cold it was. Carolina wasn’t a fan of the cold either, but she wished she could be there by his side anyway. She pulled her phone from her pocket and typed out an instant message, hoping she wouldn’t wake him up. She couldn’t wait, though; if she did, she would talk herself out of sending the message, just as she had every other message she had typed over the past month.

 **xcityofnightx:** looking at pics from tour, and it seems like you guys are having a ton of fun! i’m still so glad we got to meet and hang out, even if the hotel show didn’t happen. it was still awesome, and it definitely won’t be my last show.

The message was long, but Carolina wanted to be sure she said everything she meant. Even if she was sure, now, that there was nothing romantic between the two of them and never would be, it was still true that she had loved getting to meet him. He was unlike anyone else and she wanted him in her life, even if just as a friend. She could be content with just that, she was reasonably certain. As long as they were close, in whatever way, she would be happy.

Since it was still early, she didn’t expect a response right away. She spent a little more time puttering around the internet, checking her email and the Goodreads reviews on the anthology she’d done with Laura, which had finally been released the month before. When all of that became boring, she put her laptop away and curled up into a small ball in the cabin’s armchair. One of her younger cousins had kept them all up late the night before with cocktails, and Carolina found herself drifting off to sleep easily, in spite of her awkward position in the chair.

While she napped, she had strange, blurry dreams that made little sense. A parade of all the boys she had dated filtered through her mind, but she couldn’t make sense of whatever message they were trying to send her. 

When she finally awoke again, it was to the sound of a new message alert on her phone.

 **sacred fool:** tour’s been great! i still feel bad that we couldn’t make it work, but there will always be a next time, right?

 **xcityofnightx:** i hope so! it definitely looks like you guys are having a fun. wish i could go to a few more shows… one just gave me a taste for it…

 **sacred fool:** you should! just quit your job and come out on the road!

 **xcityofnightx:** wish i could! kinda need the job to afford what few shows i do go to.

Carolina wasn’t surprised that a reply to that didn’t come quickly. What else could he say? Besides, he had to be busy. She was surprised he had even replied this early; she assumed rockstars must sleep even later than she did when given the chance. 

She read over the messages a few times, trying not to find hidden meanings between the lines but unable to contain her happiness that he had responded at all. Of course he didn’t mean for her to truly quit her job and come on the road with him. But music and touring were the only lives he knew. He would encourage anyone to take up the same sort of vagabond lifestyle he lived. It didn’t mean anything.

Meaningless or not, it still made Carolina’s heart beat a little faster. 

Knowing she wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep after that, she grabbed her laptop and opened it up again. She had made good progress on her latest book, but NaNoWriMo wasn’t over yet and she had wordcount goals to meet. With Taylor on her mind again, she had new inspiration to continue writing, and she found that the words flowed easily.

****

Carolina arrived back in California late Sunday night, finally feeling like she could breathe again. It wasn’t that she didn’t like her family, but she couldn’t relate to them at all. Being back in her own home with just her cats for company sounded like a great relief after nearly a full week surrounded by people. 

The cab ride from the airport in San Jose back to her house was long enough to give her time to think and decompress, after sleeping through the entire flight. She had to go back to work early the next morning, which was poor scheduling on her part, but at the same time, she really didn’t mind. Work kept her mind off other things, like the fact that she still couldn’t stop thinking about Taylor Hanson.

When she arrived back at her house, it was deathly quiet. Nancy and Ned were still at the kennel and would be until she got off work the next afternoon. The mailbox was stuffed full, and Carolina made a note to get her mail held if she ever went out of town again. She juggled her suitcases carefully as she pulled the stack of mail from the box and waddled into the house, now completely loaded down.

Just inside the door, she dropped her luggage, not caring about it for the moment. She wanted a snack and to curl up in her own bed. That was all she needed right then. Carolina tossed her armload of mail on the kitchen counter and retrieved a bottle of juice from the refrigerator. She drank nearly half of it down in just a few gulps, and began to feel a little more like herself again. She had been too cheap to buy anything to eat on the plane, and she was starting to feel it then, no matter how late it was. 

Once that need was taken care of, she began to sort through the mail. Most of it was junk—sales papers, coupons, credit card offers and more that didn’t interest her at all. At the bottom of the stack, though, was a thicker bubble mailer, with a Los Angeles return address. She ripped into it quickly, her mind going blank, with no idea who could possibly be sending her mail from the city of angels.

There was only one option, of course, and Carolina should have guessed it. It was Taylor.

She tipped the mailer over and shook its contents out onto her countertop. She had nearly forgotten about the fan club thing, but it all came flooding back when she saw what he had sent. There was an EP, with a black and white, sketchy photo of Taylor on the cover. She flipped it over and saw that it contained three songs she had already heard, between his concert and the video teasers he posted on YouTube—Lost Without You, Sunny Day and Wondering Why. She especially liked the first one. It took her right back to being in the audience of his concert and the euphoria she felt when he looked at her.

Another item fell out after the EP, and Carolina was a bit perplexed when she saw that it was just notebook paper, the edges ripped and torn. Then she flipped it over and saw what must have been Taylor’s handwriting, the ink smudged in a few places and a few mistakes crossed out.

_She's walking round in emptiness  
She's looking for the good   
she left in her prom dress   
She can't take back all her regrets   
Her only hope is what she did   
she'll soon forget _

_This must be the end of the line_

_The sky's a blur  
My drug my friend   
Sometimes you can't avoid the lonesome bitter end   
She's breathing in some nicotine   
And when she's down   
she'll drown this town in kerosene _

_This must be the end of the line  
This must be the end of the line   
This must be the end of the line_

_The ganja boys  
The locker there   
Maybe the truth is just   
too much for you to bear   
You can't avoid a compromise   
Maybe this is just a reflection   
of what's on your mind _

_This must be the end of the line  
This must be the end of the line   
This must be the end of the line_

_Even all this time we're still making it fine  
Even all this time we're still making it fine   
Even all this time we're still making it fine _

_This must be the end of the line  
This must be the end of the line   
This must be the end of the line _

_She's walking round in emptiness  
She's looking for the good   
she left in her prom dress_

At first, Carolina didn’t understand. It wasn’t a song she was familiar with, but it must have been one Taylor had written. She was sure it couldn’t be about her, because he didn’t know a thing about her, yet he seemed to have captured her life so perfectly. That was the gift of a talented song writer, she supposed. 

Carolina snapped a quick picture, making sure to capture that weed reference in the second verse, and texted it to Laura, along with a long line of question marks. Laura would get the hint, she thought.

_Wow, you got that song?! I just got Sunny Day ☹_

**I don’t even know this one! He didn’t play it at the concert, did he? Those lyrics though!**

_He didn’t, but I saw him play it years ago when I came to LA for the weekend right after me and the hubs moved here._

**I just kind of freaked out when I saw the second verse. I want to hear him sing it now!**

_There might be a video on YT. It’s so good. Just don’t read too much into it. You never know what his lyrics are about. They’re personal, he admits that, but he won’t really say more than that._

**I know, I know. I didn’t think it was really ABOUT me, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he sent me of all people a song about pot, yanno?**

_No I get it. Just saying. Be careful._

**I will. Ttyl though, I just got home and I need some sleep.**

_Goodnight girly_

Carolina placed the notebook page back on her counter and sighed. She would try not to read too much into it. If it meant anything, it was only that he remembered sharing that joint with her. She was a friend with weed, and nothing more, and she would learn to be okay with that. At least she was _something_ to him.


	10. Won and Lost and Won Again

 

_Last summer we took threes across the board_   
_But by fall we were a cover story, "now in stores"_   
_Make us poster boys for your scene_   
_But we are not making an acceptance speech_   
_I found the safest place to keep all our old mistakes_   
_Every dot-com's refreshing for a journal update_   
_So long live the car-crash hearts_   
_Cry on the couch so all the poets come to life_   
_Fix me in forty five_

lucky little lady (cityofnight) wrote,  
2007-12-24 21:03:56

**merry fucking Christmas**

Okay, I’m not as depressed or pissed off or whatever as that subject line makes me sound. I’m just not a holiday person. Christmas presents are cool, although these days my family just sends gift cards. But it’s not like I’m even Christian, so it’s really not my holiday, you know?

I didn’t post about it back then, but I did at least agree to spend Thanksgiving with them. Well, with my mom’s side of the family. My dad is too attached to his new wife’s family to bother trying to spend time with me. He definitely prefers them, probably because the wife came with a big package deal of multiple male grandsons for him. Meanwhile, it’s just me and the cats.

Which, of course, I was constantly reminded of during my week with mom and all of her family. There are approximately a billion of them, because they just keep reproducing over and over and over again. Every time I get together with them, there’s a new baby or boyfriend or fiancé to meet.

One of my aunts actually had the nerve to ask me why I was still single. For one, I’m only in my mid-twenties, so I’m not really sure it’s time for that question yet, according to the average age women are getting married these days. Secondly, it’s really none of her damn business. I didn’t say either of those two things, though. I just said that if I knew why, maybe I wouldn’t be. She laughed and changed the subject, so I guess that wasn’t really meant to be the start of some hard-hitting interrogation or something.

You know, I like that it’s still warm here in December. It makes it a lot easier to just not celebrate the holidays, because it doesn’t even feel like holiday season. Possibly the best thing about moving to California, in fact.

Well, maybe there are a few other things I like about this state…

Did I mention I got my weed card as a Christmas present to myself?

 

 **sacredfool83**  
December 25, 2007, 11:22:18

Hell yeah getting your weed card. You’re gonna love that legal green.

 

   **cityofnight**  
  December 25, 2007, 13:01:39

  Maybe next time I can bring my own to share…

 

 

* * *

emi (fourleafclovers) wrote in jtaylorfans,  
2008-01-03 17:32:04

**just wondering…**

Has everyone gotten their fan club packages? I just signed up a week ago and I’m just wondering how long it will take to get mine. I’m in Colorado, so I dunno if that makes a difference.

By the way, I’m Emilia. I’m a broke college student and Taylor was my first crush after I realized he wasn’t a girl.

 

 **cityofnight**  
January 3, 2008, 18:01:27

I signed up at the end of October when he first announced it, and I got mine around Thanksgiving. I was out of town when I got it, so I dunno for sure what day it arrived. I live in California too, but I don’t think it shipped as soon as I signed up for it. So I wouldn’t expect it to take that long now that everything is in production. But it still may take a while since you’re farther away.

 

 **delanieann**  
January 3, 2008, 19:19:02

Your last line is too funny! I think we all feel that way. And now he’s just the hottest thing ever, isn’t he? As for your question, I’m in Texas and I signed up about two weeks ago. Still waiting for mine, too.

 

   **fourleafclovers**  
  January 3, 2008, 23:18:56

  It’s so true, though! He’s like a fine wine, just getting better and better with age. Not that he’s old, although he is older than me.

  I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one still waiting. I just really want the EP! And I’m so curious to get those handwritten lyrics… I wonder   what I’ll get…

 

 **sacredfool83**  
January 4, 2008, 01:31:22

Y’all do know I can see what you write here about me, right? ;)

But seriously, I am so sorry that some of the fan club packages are delayed. I’m gonna do my best to get every single one of them sent out this week. If I end up with carpal tunnel syndrome from writing all those lyrics, I know who to blame.

 

 

* * *

Jordan Taylor (sacredfool83) wrote,  
2008-01-13 13:39:19

**A little more about the Sunny Day EP**

This post is massively overdue, I know. Not that I told any of you it was coming, but I have had it in the back of my mind for a while. Zac and I went back to Oklahoma for the holidays and stayed until everyone got sick of us, and I really didn’t have time to sit down and write out a real post while I was there. It was all I could do to keep up with replying to comments, and I know I didn’t even say as much in some of those as I wanted to.

Anyway, I hope everyone who is interested in it has picked up their copy. If not, what are you waiting for? No, I’m seriously asking. Leave a comment and tell me why you haven’t bought it. Actually, don’t. That might hurt my feelings, and I’m pretty sensitive.

Okay, okay, I swear I’m getting to the point. I just wanted to let y’all know that I’m already working on some new music. As much as I love this EP, I have so many more songs I want to share. These three are just one little sampling of what’s to come, and I hope they give you a good feel for where I am musically right now. The last EP a few years ago was a bit of a jumble, but these songs are way more personal and meaningful to me. It takes a lot of guts to share real pieces of yourself with the world, and I really hope you guys enjoy and appreciate every piece I decide to share. I would never dare call anyone out and let them know a song is about them (although Girl Who Inspired Wondering Why – you totally know who you are, just saying), so while they are all personal, they’re also art. I hope they mean something—anything, everything, something totally different—to everyone who listens to them.

I am really just so excited about everything I have to share, but it’s not quite time yet. Fan club members will get some sneak peaks and rough drafts as I go into the studio and start actually recording things in a more professional manner.

I know I’m being kind of cryptic right now, but more will be coming very, very soon, I promise. I’m thinking of starting some Skype hangouts with fan club members to share even more. What do y’all think?

 

 **miamiamia**  
January 13, 2008, 14:02:28

So proud of you and so looking forward to what comes next! Excited to help with the merch designs, too. And the Skype idea is great.

 

 **delanieann**  
January 13, 2008, 14:18:17

Ooh, so cryptic, I love it! I think I can speak for all of us when I say that Wondering Why Girl is crazy, but if she weren’t, we would all be sad you were taken.

I will be all over Skype! Can you say camgirl?

 

 **cityofnight**  
January 14, 2008, 17:22:04

I bet the climate change coming back from Oklahoma to California sucked. I definitely like hearing more about the creative writing side of things, though.

 

 **ljslj**  
January 14, 2008, 19:03:59

Like Carolina said, I love the insight into your creative process! As a writer myself (though not a songwriter), it’s really interesting to see. You should post more about that kind of thing.

 

 **fourleafclovers**  
January 15, 2008, 10:10:36

Finally got my EP! It’s sooo good. I love Lost Without You. And yes to Skype, please.

 

 

* * *

**Secret Birthday Project**  
**delanieann**  
January 27, 2008, 16:17:11

Hey, girlie! You were cracking me up on Skype last night. It’s great having someone with such a smart, but dirty, sense of humor around. I feel like I’m the only one with a dirty mind sometimes—besides Taylor himself, I mean!

Anyway, I know it’s early since his birthday isn’t until March, but I wanted to get started on this right away. I was talking to Mia yesterday too and she loved the idea of us putting together a little gift basket to send to Taylor for his birthday. If you want to buy something for it or just contribute money, let me know. I have this awesome guitar strap in mind for him that I wanted to get the Pisces symbol engraved in. So if you could throw a few dollars my way for that, I would really appreciate it.

Let me know!

 

 **Re: Secret Birthday Project**  
**cityofnight**  
January 27, 2008, 19:07:02

I wanted to die after I made that “battery operated” comment! I’m not normally like that, I swear, but I had a little wine beforehand.

As for the birthday thing, I’ll have to think about it. I bought a house last year so money is pretty tight and will be for like the next thirty years, haha. But if I can scrounge up a little extra, I’ll let you know. Is there a deadline?

 

 **Re: Re: Secret Birthday Project**  
**delanieann**  
January 27, 2008, 19:22:18

No, no that comment was perfect! It made him blush, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. I love the way he interacts with you, but I have to admit I’m kind of jealous, too.

I don’t have a deadline set yet, but I need to figure one out. Probably by the end of next month so I have time to get it in the mail and get it to him before that day.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Secret Birthday Project**  
**cityofnight**  
January 27, 2008, 19:27:09

Okay, if I have a month, I should be able to come up with a few extra bucks.

And as for your other comment, I have NO idea what you’re referring to. He picks on me, but he does that to everyone. I’m just another fan.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: Secret Birthday Project**  
**delanieann**  
January 27, 2008, 19:32:49

I think you’re downplaying it. Maybe it’s just because you guys have actually met in person. Which for the record, I cannot even imagine what I would do if I met him. I mean, I saw him at that mall appearance years and years ago, but that’s different. If I saw him now… the things I would do!

But I don’t think I’m the only one who sees it. I can’t explain it, but it’s obvious. He’s different with you.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Secret Birthday Project**  
**cityofnight**  
January 27, 2008, 19:38:33

Honestly, he’s just like any other guy. I think that’s what surprised me the most when I met him. He was just… a guy. He has a stage persona and then there’s his real, off stage personality. It was really… I dunno, humbling? That’s not the word. But I really appreciated getting to see what seemed to be the real him. And he wasn’t flirty like he is online. I can’t explain it, but he was just so different. It kept me from getting starstruck, for the most part.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Secret Birthday Project**  
**delanieann**  
January 27, 2008, 19:44:01

Ugh, I just can’t even imagine! Even if he is different, I would still be so starstruck. I think you just proved my point, though. If he felt comfortable enough with you to turn that stage persona off, then he felt something for you. Of course, you know he’s the friends with benefits type, so I wouldn’t get too attached if I were you.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Secret Birthday Project**  
**delanieann**  
January 27, 2008, 19:50:24

If that’s all he wants from me, then he’s not going to get even that. It doesn’t matter who he is. I’m not looking for that kind of thing in my life right now. I want something serious.

 

* * *

 

After sending that message, Carolina closed the tab and shut her laptop. She had come so close to saying way too much to Delanie, who she really didn’t know at all. She seemed nice enough; she was a writer, too, although some of what she had written was more blatantly fanfic.

What Carolina had said was true, though. If Taylor was the sort of playboy that his fans kept portraying him as, in spite of the evidence to the contrary that she had seen with her own two eyes, then she didn’t want anything more than friendship from him. Any more than that would just break her heart.


	11. So Bored of Innocence

 

 

_I keep talking, but no one listens_  
_And I keep hearing things that I can't understand_  
_And I see beauty in resistance_  
_And I'm just trying to figure out who I am_  
_I'm just trying to figure out who I am_

_In the dark, I can feel the weight of the world_  
_Pushing down on top of my shoulders_  
_You think you're strong enough to carry it all?_  
_Go ahead, knock yourself out_

lucky little lady (cityofnight) wrote in jtaylorfans,  
2008-02-18 16:32:11

**yes we can?**

Went to a rally last night in San Jose. I think from the subject you can all guess who and what for. I swear I saw someone there in an old Hanson shirt, but I never managed to get close enough to ask. So if you were there, I was hoping you are also in this community. That would be pretty cool; I know a few local-ish fans but not many.

I did try to check on Facebook to see if I could find you in the pics (Is that creepy? Oops.), but I’ve also been untagging myself from the rally pics all day. I know that seems cowardly or whatever, and I guess it is. The thing is, I’ve had to add several of my family members to my friends, now that FB allows anybody at all to sign up, and they aren’t exactly liberal. It’s not that I’m really ashamed or anything, but I just don’t want to deal with the way I know some of my family members would respond. Especially because a political rally in California is going to look a lot different from anything they’re used to in West Virginia.

Sorry that went kinda into personal territory that doesn’t really matter. The point is, was anyone else here at the Obama rally in San Jose last night? And if you were, please don’t tag me in the pics because I’m not ready to have that conversation with my family, but also I would like to meet some more local Hanson/Jordan Taylor fans.

 

 **fourleafclovers**  
February 18, 2008, 16:13:57

I'm planning to go to one in Denver soon!

 

 **dehanson**  
February 18, 2008, 16:43:01

Maybe you should be ashamed, if you aren’t respecting what your family taught you to believe.

 

   **cityofnight**  
  February 18, 2008, 16:55:33

  I’m sorry, but I don’t know you and you don’t know me. I know I posted this publicly and I knew I was treading a thin line by getting so personal with it, but none of that gives you the right to make statements about me and my beliefs when you really don’t know anything about either.

  You also don’t know my family. You don’t know that, in spite of their flaws, they taught me to be independent and think for myself. They couldn’t have anticipated the direction it would lead me in, but I am who I am, for better or worse. You happen to think it’s worse. I don’t. The only difference is that your opinion of me doesn’t matter one bit.

 

 **sacredfool83**  
February 18, 2008, 17:49:21

I was at the LA rally the other night too. Heard some good stuff.

Good for you sticking up for yourself. It’s tough sometimes, but you’re doing the right thing, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Do what you gotta do and keep doing you.

 

 

 

* * *

**Just checking in**  
**delanieann**  
February 18, 2008, 20:01:34

Hey, girl. Just wanted to see if you were going to be able to contribute to the birthday gift. No worries if you can’t.

Also, ignore that dehanson girl. Her name is Devon and she has some serious problems. She’s so conservative and it’s so toxic. But it’s worse than that, she is really obsessed with Taylor. You wouldn’t believe some of the things she’s said about him.

 

 **Re: Just checking in**  
**cityofnight**  
February 18, 2008, 20:13:02

I don’t think I’m going to be able to afford it this time. Sorry.

And I am so not worried about that Devon chick. I got pretty mad about her comment earlier, but the more I think about everything else I’ve seen her post, the more I realized she had to just be some delusional nutcase. I mean, have you read her journal? Yikes.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Just checking in**  
**delanieann**  
February 18, 2008, 20:17:53

Yeah, it’s pretty bad. When I first read it, I kinda thought she really was his girlfriend, but it took me like three or four entries to realize she was just completely wacky. It just pisses me off. Like, I wonder how many fans are really put off from being part of his fandom because they think he would date someone like that. It’s awful. I wish there was something more that he could do to make her stop.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: Just checking in**  
**cityofnight**  
February 18, 2008, 20:22:21

I kind of felt the same way! I mean, I didn’t think he would date someone like her, but I had to wonder. I just don’t understand what she gets out of being in this fandom when she seems to hate anything and everything liberal. Like, has she listened to the things Taylor says?

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just checking in**  
**delanieann**  
February 18, 2008, 20:25:44

She’s just nuts. That’s all there is to it.

But like you said, the whole sex, drugs and rock and roll thing is basically what Taylor is all about. I LOVE it, but I can’t imagine what it must be like to be conservative and try to be his fan. Devon probably has no clue what he’s really like, because I just don’t see how she would like him if she did.

I mean, he talks about smoking pot, but he’s tried basically every drug out there. Even meth. I don’t think she could handle that kind of guy, you know? Not to mention the sex thing, when she is apparently waiting for marriage.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just checking in**  
**cityofnight**  
February 18, 2008, 20:25:44

I don’t really want to think about any of that stuff. I like what I have seen of Taylor, and I don’t want that illusion shattered, even if it’s not the truth and the truth is a lot worse.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just checking in**  
 **delanieann**  
February 18, 2008, 20:29:53

I’m sorry. I hate to sound like I’m spreading gossip or something. I’m just trying to be realistic about who he is, and I don’t think that acknowledging his flaws means I care any less about him.

I mean, who am I kidding? I would sell a kidney for one night with him. I know this girl he’s been hooking up with, and I kind of hate her a little bit. She says she doesn’t want more either, but how could she not?! I mean really. I think I would die if I even got to sleep with him once.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just checking in**  
 **cityofnight**  
February 18, 2008, 20:33:10

You know, you’re not the first person to tell me he’s hooking up with a fan. I don’t know. I thought I knew which fan, because they seem really close, but… Like I said, I just don’t want to get into gossip.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just checking in**  
 **delanieann**  
February 18, 2008, 20:36:27

Is it Mia? Hahahahaha. I thought it was her at first, too, but no. She doesn’t talk about it much and I can’t really blame her for it, but she’s dating Zac. I’ve been talking to her a lot lately, and she’s really guarded about Zac and Taylor. I really respect the fact that she doesn’t gossip about them either. She was a fan first and that was how she met them, so she’s in kind of an awkward place. She understands where all of us are coming from, but she doesn’t get too close to any fans these days. But anyway, no, it isn’t her. I really shouldn’t say who it is.

 

 

 

* * *

In the weeks leading up to Taylor’s birthday, Carolina became absorbed with finally finishing up her novel. She was working with the same publisher who had released the anthology, and it did take some work off her shoulders, but it was still time consuming. She could only imagine how much worse it would be if she were working with a big publishing house. There was a part of her that wanted that kind of approval, that proof that her writing was worth it, but the bigger part of her didn’t want that much attention. Being able to write what she wanted and get that writing directly in the hands of the people who enjoyed it.

She was just going over the final copy of the book’s cover when her phone rang. A quick glance at the screen revealed that it was Laura.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Laura replied. “Where were you the other night? Taylor did a big Skype hangout where he opened the birthday gift.”

“Well, hello to you too. I’ve been really busy. You know _Strange Little Heart_ is coming out in less than a month. I’ve got so much to do, on top of actually going to my normal, real life job.”

“Yeah, well, I know. But Taylor doesn’t and he asked where you’ve been.”

“No, he didn’t.”

“Yeah, he did.”

Carolina collapsed back into her couch. “That makes it a lot harder to keep my distance from him. I mean—not that I really want to. I don’t know. It’s not so much him as his fans.”

“Oh, gee thanks,” Laura replied, her tone obviously sarcastic and not actually hurt.

“You know what I mean,” Carolina said. She ran a hand through her hair. “It’s just some of these girls are so intense. I mean, I seem like a serious prude saying this, but the kind of sexual comments they make to him are just too much for me. There’s a line, you know? But he seems to encourage most of it, so I guess he doesn’t really mind. I don’t know. Some of the things I’ve heard…”

Laura replied, “Do I even want to know? You know what, I probably don’t. And I’ve probably already heard some of the same stuff anyway. Some of these girls are definitely want too much, but you’re right—it seems like that’s the kind of fanbase Taylor wants. I can’t say I wouldn’t be like some of them if I were single, but I don’t really know. I don’t think I would be as bad as, say, Delanie. Or Mia, posting pics of herself modeling all the time.”

“Yeah, but she really is a model. I mean, it’s not like she’s taking pics with her camera timer, you know?” Carolina said. “And apparently she’s Zac’s girlfriend, as several people have told me. Although one of those people was Delanie, and I just don’t know about her, either. Does she rub you the wrong way?”

“I thought it was just me!” Laura exclaimed.

“It’s definitely not just you. I can’t put my finger on what the problem with her is, but there’s definitely something that I don’t like. Or trust. I don’t know. I’m not sure which of those it is, but I’m trying to keep her at a distance. I know I have said a few things to her that I shouldn’t have, like telling her about the whole night in San Francisco.”

“Yeah, she told me a whole story about going to see him in Tulsa a few years ago. You know, she lives in Texas. I feel like she has to constantly mention that, like she’s jealous of us who live closer to him now.”

“But she hasn’t met him,” Carolina remarked. “I mean, she keeps saying that, too. I don’t even know. It’s not just her, though. So many of his fans are just too much for me. I think I need to take a step back. Or two. Like, I didn’t even want to do the birthday thing anyway, because it just felt like attention seeking or something. I feel like a bitch for saying that, but I just don’t want to be like that. I feel weird enough paying for the fan club thing. It’s like paying him to hang out with me. I want him to just… want to hang out with me. Is that bad?”

“In a way,” Laura replied. “I mean, saying the other fans are attention seeking isn’t great. You know I sent in a few bucks for the gift. But I think I get what you’re saying. He’s had this big explosion of fans rediscovering him--or discovering him for the first time--since we met him, and it makes things weird. Then there are people like Mia who have been around for years and really are friends with him. I don’t blame you if you want to be like those girls.”

Carolina sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know what I want. I just know I need a break.”

“Then take as long of one as you need. Just stay in touch with me.”

“I will,” Carolina replied.

“And send me a copy of that book!”


	12. Just To Feel Like You

 

_If home is where the heart is_   
_then we're all just fucked_   
_I can't remember_   
_I can't remember_   
_And I want it so bad_   
_I'd shoot the sunshine into my veins_   
_I can't remember_   
_The good old days_

Jordan Taylor (sacredfool83) wrote in jtaylorfans,  
2008-04-23 13:12:41

**Big news!**

The title basically says it all! I’ve been working super hard on my album, with some great feedback from you guys about which songs you like best and which need a little more work. Seriously, I have some of the best fans in the world. Couldn’t do any of this without you.

Which means I wanted you guys to be the first to hear about my album release plans. It’s coming out June 24, on a little indie label based here in LA. Later that week, I’ll be playing an album release show at the Troubadour, and I want you guys to show up in force. Nothing is set in stone yet, but I would love to do some special stuff for fan club members that week, too. I’m working on some special merch items for you guys, but hopefully we’ll all have a chance to get together once or twice, too. Check with Mia for details about some of those things. She keeps things running smoothly in my life, I swear.

I know LA is a bit of a trek for some of y’all, but seriously, I want you to pack the house at my show. This will be the biggest solo show I’ve ever played, and I need the place to be rocking. I’m going to post in the community soon too and give everyone some more details about the plans, how to get tickets, etc, etc! So keep an eye out for all the deets.

 

 

* * *

**plans for LA?**  
fourleafclovers  
April 27, 2008, 19:31:43

Hey, so I was talking to Laura the other day, and she said you were interested in going to Taylor’s album release show. I dunno if you know, but I work for a hotel chain, so I can get us all a good deal on a room, if you want to room with me and her. It’ll be the Best Western Sunset Plaza. I know you two have met in person, so I’m kind of the odd one out, but I think we could all have a lot of fun together.

Also, I really loved your latest book! SUPER hot. I hope you don't mind that Laura sent me some of your books and kinda hinted at who wrote them.

 

 **Re: plans for LA?**  
cityofnight  
April 27, 2008, 20:22:01

Hey! Thanks, I’m glad you liked the book :) I've tried to keep my secret identity, well, a secret. But it's obvious a lot of people know.

I haven’t talked to Laura about it again, but I just found out I have a conference that work wants me to go to earlier that week. So I don’t know how I’m going to make it all work, but the thing just happens to be in LA. So it HAS to work, right? I mean. There has to be a way I can make this happen. It’s too much to be a coincidence. Anyway, once I figure out the details of that, I’ll let you know about the hotel room.

 

 

* * *

“So Emilia is booking the room today; she just needs to know if you’re in,” Laura said.

Carolina put her fountain drink back in the cup holder and sighed. She had opted to go pick up her lunch that day at work, and it gave her time to call Laura back. “Well, I finally got the schedule for the conference. I’ll be there for two days and the library is putting me up at a hotel, which is nice. The last day just so happens to be the day before Taylor’s secret show that we totally aren’t supposed to know about or tell anyone about whatsoever.”

“Okay, so that’s basically sounding perfect to me,” Laura replied.

“It is and it isn’t,” Carolina said. “I mean, I have to be at the main Los Angeles branch like all day for two days. And I’ll need a hotel room or something for that night.”

“So just ask Emilia if she can add on another night. I know it won’t be cheap if it’s just you, but there will still be a discount. It’ll probably still be cheaper than any other hotel in the area.”

“Cheaper isn’t saying much. It’s Los Angeles. Nothing is cheap. I mean, nothing I actually want to buy.”

Laura giggled. “Okay, okay. That’s true. But it can’t hurt to ask her, you know?”

“Yeah, I’ll give her a call later. I need to get back to work now; I’ve already taken longer for lunch than I was really supposed to.”

“Alright, talk to you later! And see you in a month.”

 

* * *

 

 **LA**  
delanieann  
May 15, 2008, 01:03:12

Just wanted to see if you had figured out your plans for LA yet. I know you talked about having some work thing to do earlier that week, so I didn’t know if you’d be able to make it or not. And if you are, do you have a room? I’m looking at the Sunset Marquis. I know it’s expensive but, like, how can I not?

 

 **Re: LA**  
cityofnight  
May 16, 2008, 11:44:56

I’m sharing a room with Emilia and Laura at the Best Western. Cheaper, but still close to the action.

And yeah, I am gonna be in town early for a library conference. It just kinda worked out perfectly that I could take a little vacation right after that.

 

 **Re: Re: LA**  
delanieann  
May 16, 2008, 14:03:42

You should totally try to meet up with Taylor if you’re going to be there early! Wouldn’t that be fun? Ugh, I’m so jealous of you, living so much closer to him.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: LA**  
cityofnight  
May 16, 2008, 15:12:33

I thought about sending him a PM but I dunno. I’m sure he will be busy and he probably doesn’t want to spend any extra time with me anyway. I would just feel like shit if he said no, so I probably won’t ask. I may not have any free time anyway.

 

 

* * *

> _From: laura.jane@gmail.com_  
>  Subject: City of angels!!!!  
>  To: montanalogan@gmail.com, xxfourleafclovers@gmail.com
> 
> _Just wanted to let you know that I found a really, really good deal on a flight, but I’ll be getting in late Wednesday evening instead of during the day Thursday. It was so cheap, I had to do it, and if we split the room for Wednesday night, I’ll still come out ahead. Let me know if that sounds good to you! Hopefully you can add that date on for me, Emilia? Or let me know how to get it added myself._
> 
> _From: montanalogan@gmail.com  
>  Subject: Re: City of angels!!!!  
>  To: laura.jane@gmail.com, xxfourleafclovers@gmail.com_
> 
> _Sounds good! Just let me know how much that means I will owe for the room._

 

* * *

 

 **just wondering…**  
cityofnight  
June 11, 2008, 15:33:46

So, I’m making plans for LA and I’m gonna have some time to kill Wednesday afternoon. I’ll be in town for a library thing and Laura isn’t getting in until late that night, so I’ll be all on my own. I thought maybe we could get together for dinner or something?

 

 **Re: just wondering…**  
sacredfool83  
June 11, 2008, 18:21:13

Sounds good! I’ll be busy that day prepping for the shows, but just lemme know when you wanna get together.

 

 

* * *

> _From: modelmia@gmail.com  
>  Subject: super secret house party  
>  To: montanalogan@gmail.com, laura.jane@gmail.com, delanieann@gmail.com, xxfourleafclovers@gmail.com, alana.vasquez@sanjose.edu, and 10 others_
> 
> _Hey, just wanted to let a few of you guys in the fan club know that we’re planning a super secret house party at my place Thursday night. I know not everyone is getting in for the also secret Hotel Café show Thursday night, but if you can make it to that, or come in a day early for the big concert, then you’re invited to the house party._
> 
> _There will be a $5 charge for admission, which of course all goes to Taylor. It’s BYOB but we’ll have a few drinks and some swag on hand, first come first serve. Please reply back to this email and let me know if you’re coming so I know how many people to plan for. I do have roommates, but they’re all fans too, so we don’t have to worry about anybody being weird about the party if it gets loud. And it’s definitely going to get loud!_

 

* * *

 

 **hey**  
delanieann  
June 19, 2008, 18:26:51

Hey, just wondering if you decided to try to make plans with Taylor or not. Again, so jealous! I wish I could be there early but my flight won’t get in until right before the Hotel Café show.

 

 **Re: hey**  
cityofnight  
June 19, 2008, 18:33:31

I sent him a message, but we didn’t make any definite plans. I doubt we really will get together, but he’s too nice to just straight up say no. Plus he’s going to be really busy…

 

 **Re: Re: hey**  
delanieann  
June 19, 2008, 18:43:22

Ugh, you two are totally going to go out and I am so jealous! Tell me all about it later.

 

 

* * *

On the second day of the library conference, Carolina found herself seriously dragging. She had attended a special dinner the night before, then gone back to her hotel room and passed out early, but she still had no energy in the morning. Thankfully, there was a Starbucks just a block away from the library, and she couldn’t resist stopping in for a latte. While she waited in line, she pulled out her phone, signed into AIM and fired off a quick message to Taylor.

 **xcityofnightx:** hey, just wanted to see if we were on for tonight or what? I’m going to be stuck at the library until around 3pm and then i’ll have to find my hotel and see if I can get checked in. so we could get together some time after that. laura won’t get in until 11 or so.

She retrieved her drink and was just walking through the library’s doors when her phone notified her of a new message.

 **sacred fool:** i probably won’t be free until about 7, but we can definitely get together then. i thought we had each other’s numbers? if not, mine is 918-813-2436.

Carolina knew without a doubt that he had never given her his number before. She had to admit, it was a fairly smooth way for him to handle the fact that, when they had met, he didn’t trust her enough to give his number out. It would seem that he did now. That meant a lot to her. She typed a quick, not entirely truthful, message back to him before entering the conference room.

 **xcityofnightx:** if we did, i probably don’t have yours anymore. i had to get a new phone. mine is 304-627-1918. i’ll text you when i get to the hotel, and we’ll figure out our plans from there.

 **sacred fool:** sounds good! see ya later :)


	13. Feels Like Flames Surrounding Me Here

 

 

 

_Soft light, total silence_  
_So tired we take the table near the door_  
_The table near the door_  
_Sat back under fire_  
_Only as stable as I choose to show_  
_If I choose to show_  
_But where were you that night?_  
_When I was..._

_Well, I feel that this is an explosion_  
_Nobody else could ever really know_  
_I would follow you anywhere_

As soon as the conference ended, Carolina was out the door and in her car. She didn’t relish an hour of Los Angeles traffic, but she knew it couldn’t be avoided. As she sat in her car, getting sweatier and sweatier, she vowed not to drive even a single foot more until she left town. It was all just too much for her; she was a small town girl at heart and had avoided driving as much as possible while in San Jose. She didn’t think she would ever become fully accustomed to traffic in California. As far as she was concerned, it was like something from another planet entirely.

What seemed like a week later, but was really about an hour and a half, she finally walked into the hotel, dragging her bags behind her. She leaned against the front desk, not really caring how she must have looked, and said, “I need to check in.”

“Name?”

“Carolina Bailey.”

The clerk tapped a few keys, then a few more, then shook his head. “I have a reservation with that name on it, but not until tomorrow night.”

“No, that’s not right. We added another night—Emilia Davis made the reservation, and she was supposed to make sure that tonight was added on for me and for Laura Jensen.”

The clerk shook his head again. “Unfortunately, I’m only showing Laura Jensen’s name on the room for tonight. Is she with you?”

Carolina groaned and rested her head against the desk. From underneath the curtain of her hair, she replied, “No, she won’t be here until around eleven. She’s getting on her plane… oh, right about now.”

“Then I’m afraid I won’t be able to let you check in until then. I apologize for any inconvenience.”

“Right,” Carolina mumbled, walking away from the desk, her suitcase’s wheels clattering against the tile as angrily as she felt. “As though there’s a chance this _wouldn’t_ be inconvenient.”

Once she and her luggage were safely back in her car, Carolina pulled out her phone and sent three texts. The first two were identical, sent to both Emilia and Laura, letting them know what was going on with the hotel. She didn’t expect to hear from Laura, since she was probably in the airport, and she wasn’t sure there was anything Emilia could do, anyway. The third text she sent to Taylor.

**So I hate to change plans at the last minute but something got screwed up with my hotel reservation and I can’t get into the room until Laura gets here. Is there any way we could possibly meet up sooner?**

_Oh man, that sucks! I’m super busy today so I really can’t meet up any earlier than 7. Where are you?_

**Best Western Sunset Plaza? I’ve never been here before and I don’t think any of the other girls are getting into town this early so I really don’t know where to go.**

_You don’t know anybody else here? I would say get in touch with Mia but she’s working late tonight.…_

**Well I better figure something out before I get accused of loitering or trespassing here.**

_You’ve got a GPS right? Intelligentsia, 3922 Sunset Blvd. It’s a really good coffee shop. You can hang out there and I’ll text you when I’m free._

**Okay, I can do that. Thanks and sorry for being such a mess.**

Nearly an hour later, Carolina found a parking spot and made her way into the coffee shop. She fumbled through her luggage until she located a reasonably cute outfit and her makeup bag. As covertly as she possibly could, she made her way into the coffee shop’s bathroom and went about her costume change. She still felt like a hot mess, even with fresh makeup and clothes that didn’t stink of sweat, but it was the best she could do without access to a shower. She reminded herself that Taylor had seen her in pajamas with no makeup; her favorite jeans and a cute floral blouse she’d bought just for this trip had to be an improvement over that.

She ordered a frozen drink, hoping the temperature, if not the caffeine, would calm her nerves. She had been on edge for hours now, her mind constantly debating with itself over what might happen that night. Carolina didn’t know what Taylor expected from her, but she truly didn’t believe he had any real interest in her. He had been friendly, but not flirty. This was just two friends getting dinner together; nothing more.

Of course, if it did become something more…

Carolina had almost convinced herself she would tell him no. She almost believed she was capable of it. She knew if she got a taste of him, she would want more. How could she not want more? He was Taylor Hanson; he wasn’t just any guy she could sleep with once and move on. Yet… one night with Taylor had to be better than nothing, she thought.

The coffee shop advertised free wifi, so Carolina dug her laptop out of her bag and logged on. She wasn’t surprised to see several emails; apparently Laura and Emilia had gotten her messages. They had let everyone know about her dilemma, and they all had suggestions. One message from Mia stuck out above the rest-- _I do know someone in LA who could help you out…_

Quickly, Carolina typed messages to everyone, letting them know that she was fine, just nursing her anxiety attack with a frappe and waiting for a college friend to come and take her out to dinner. It was a lie, of course; to Laura she sent a separate message about her plans to meet up with Taylor. She felt bad lying to everyone else about it, but she had already said too much when she admitted to Delanie that she had asked Taylor to meet up. She needed to keep her mouth shut about whatever happened for the rest of the night.

She drank her frappe slowly as she checked the rest of her emails, LiveJournal, Facebook… anything she could think of to occupy her mind so that she wouldn’t keep arguing with herself about what she would or wouldn’t do with Taylor.

Finally, just a few minutes before seven, her phone buzzed.

_See a place called the Black Cat across the street? I can meet you there in about 15min._

**I think I can make it that far. See you soon.**

Carolina tossed her drink in the trash and hurriedly hauled her bags back to her car. She switched to a smaller purse, then made her way across the street and into what she quickly realized was a bar full of hipsters. She was certain she looked out of place, but she tried to ignore that feeling as she squeezed through the crowd to an empty seat at the bar.

She presented her ID to the bartender, and ordered a rum and coke. She knew that drinking probably wasn’t the best idea, since she still had to drive back to the hotel whenever Laura finally made it in. On the other hand, it was just one drink. It wasn’t enough to get drunk; just enough to soothe her nerves like the coffee hadn’t while she waited for Taylor to arrive.

The glass was nearly empty and the bar full when she finally spotted a familiar head of blonde hair above the rest of the crowd. He practically sauntered across the room, looking somehow like he belonged and didn’t at the same time. The two of them both stood out in this crowd, but for entirely different reasons. Carolina wanted to run and hide, but instead she lept down from her stool and called his name.

His eyes lit up when they finally landed upon her. They embraced, and Carolina wasn’t sure which one of them had moved in first. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he felt just as good in her arms as she remembered.

When they finally pulled away, all Carolina could manage to say was, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Taylor replied, his face just like she remembered, too—that same look that said _oh, you are real._ “Have you been here long? I can’t believe you managed to get a seat at the bar.”

“Only a few minutes.” It was somewhat of a lie, but that was okay. She didn’t need him to know how eager she was to see him.

“Why don’t we move to a table?” Taylor asked, nodding his head toward one small, unoccupied table to his left. “I’m going to go grab a drink.”

“Okay,” Carolina replied, grabbing her drink from the bar and sitting down at the table. She tried not to stare as he walked away and craned his neck to get the bartender’s attention.

A moment later, he returned to the table, a beer in one hand and a glass in the other that looked suspiciously like a double rum and coke. She wondered how he’d known what she was drinking—had she mentioned that it was her go to? Did he ask the bartender? Could he just tell? She didn’t ask.

“I don’t think I can drink this,” Carolina said, the other one having already gone to her head just a bit, considering how fast she had gulped it down.

Taylor nudged it closer to her. “Just hang onto it. You can drink it or not, it doesn’t matter to me.”

“Okay,” Carolina replied.

They made small talk about the concerts while Taylor drank his beer, and Carolina dutifully did not take even the tiniest sip of her drink. After a moment, Taylor sat his beer down decisively and said, “Okay, so, we need to talk about your books.”

“No, we don’t.”

“You can’t write stuff like that and share it with the world, and not be willing to talk about it,” Taylor shot back.

Carolina pulled the glass to her without thinking, and took a quick sip. “Okay, but don’t tell me which ones you’ve read. As long as we don’t get into any details.”

Taylor raised his eyebrows. “No details and you’ll answer my questions?”

“I’ll try to answer them,” she replied.

“That really isn’t fair,” Taylor said. “But okay. I really just want to know why there aren’t any women.”

“There are women!” Carolina reflexively took another long sip of the drink. “Just… not that many. It is mostly male on male.”

“I know it is,” Taylor replied, laughing. “I just don’t understand the appeal.”

Carolina shrugged, trying to look as coy and unaffected as possible, when she really wanted to crawl under the table and die. “It’s no different from men watching lesbian porn. It’s the same basic appeal.”

Taylor laughed even louder. “I really don’t think it is. But okay, so you’re telling me, if you’re imagining a threesome, it’s you and two guys?”

She took another long drink, and shook her head. “It’s not like that. It’s just fiction, not necessarily fantasy.”

“You’re using that drink as a security blanket, aren’t you?” Taylor asked, and Carolina reluctantly nodded and laughed. “Okay, so it’s not a fantasy. If you say so. I just think you should write more with women. Maybe one with a sexy librarian.”

“And how would _that_ not be a fantasy?”

Taylor shrugged, and laughed, and Carolina wondered how she managed to stay upright in her chair when he gave her that dangerous looking smile.

“How did you find out about the books anyway? And how long ago?”

He shrugged again. “You’ve got some of the same usernames for stuff. It wasn’t hard to connect the dots. I think I figured it out… around the time we met? Maybe a week or so before that concert.”

“And you didn’t say anything then?!” Her voice was loud, but thankfully the bar was louder, having become positively packed as the hour grew later.

Once again, he shrugged. “It’s no big deal. I just think it’s funny.”

“Well, I’m glad my secret perversion amuses you so much,” Carolina shot back.

Taylor laughed, his hair falling over his eyes. He looked up at her through his hair. “So, all of that has to come from somewhere. I bet you’ve got some crazy stories.”

“Maybe I do. They’re all old, though. I haven’t been that wild since undergrad.”

He leaned in, his elbows on the table. “Yeah, but you still have stories. Tell me the craziest one.”

“The craziest sexual story I have?” Carolina repeated.

Taylor nodded, and Carolina found that she couldn’t meet his eyes as she racked her brain for the most shocking story possible. She suspected that in some way, she was playing into his hand, but she wanted desperately to be anything but a boring old librarian. If it gave Taylor the wrong idea about her, that was a side effect she would deal with later.

“Okay, umm, so this one time, I went to a goth, fetish night kind of thing at a bar. And I got tied up in this Japanese rope bondage stuff and led around the club by the rope.”

“So, you’re like, naked and being led around the club on a leash. That’s pretty crazy.” Taylor’s wide eyes betrayed his calm tone of voice.

“Who said I was naked?” Carolina shot back. “Just because you’re imagining it that way. I was fully clothed, thank you very much.”

“Well, still,” he replied, a faint blush on his cheeks. “I think that’s definitely a pretty crazy story. Good job.”

Carolina shrugged, as if to say there was more to her than he knew. There truly was, but she didn’t feel the need to share any more than that. She picked her phone up off the table, and realized with a start that she was minutes away from running out of time on the meter where she had parked earlier.

“So, umm,” she said, slowly glancing back up at Taylor, “I think I may need to go. Or, I mean, move my car. Or feed the meter. Something.”

“Did you want to get some food?” He asked, and she realized her drink was empty and her head spinning.  
Her stomach turned at the word _food_ , and she shook her head.

“Well, they have pretty good food here. But we can go somewhere else. Let me go close out my tab and then we’ll figure something out.”

While he was gone, Carolina pulled out her phone and quickly answered a text from Laura, letting her know that she had met up with Taylor and everything was fine. She ignored the group email, not feeling up to answering all of their questions right then. There was a private message from Delanie, and in her tipsy state, she let herself open it.

 

 **Re: Re: Re: hey**  
 **delanieann**  
June 25, 2008, 19:02:02

So did you end up meeting up with Taylor???

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: hey**  
 **cityofnight**  
June 25, 2008, 20:37:55

I did! Drinking with him now at some bar. Is this real life?

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey**  
 **delanieann**  
June 25, 2008, 20:39:01

I am so so so so so jealous. Be careful though!

 

 **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey**  
 **cityofnight**  
June 25, 2008, 20:39:33

Think we’re leaving soon. Need to get back to my hotel and get some sleep…

 

Carolina tucked her phone away before she said anything more than that. Deep down, she knew she had already revealed too much to Delanie, but it wasn’t as though it was that incriminating. So they were drinking together. Big deal. Plenty of people had gotten drinks with guys and it didn’t lead to anything. If Delanie assumed something else was happening other than just two friends having drinks, that was Delanie’s problem.

“You ready to go?” Taylor asked, walking back up to the table. “We’ll take your car. I’m parked in a free spot.”

“Lucky you,” Carolina replied, her legs wobbling as she stood up from her seat. “I think you should drive.”

“Your car?” He asked, and she handed him her keys by way of an answer. “Okay, well, let’s just go back to my place and smoke a bowl, if you want.”

Carolina nodded and smiled, while inside she felt like she wanted to explode. Taylor Hanson was taking her back to his house. She was letting him drive her car, and he was taking her inside his own, private house. She wondered if she’d had even more to drink than she thought, because none of this made any sense at all. And maybe what she had told Delanie was even more of a lie than she’d realized.

Maybe what she’d told herself was a lie, too.


	14. Starting at the End

_I'm outside the door, invite me in  
So we can go back and play pretend  
I'm on deck, yeah, I'm up next  
Tonight I'm high as a private jet_

_'Cause I don't know where you're going  
But do you got room for one more troubled soul?  
I don't know where I'm going  
But I don't think I'm coming home and I said  
I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead  
This is the road to ruin  
And we're starting at the end_

Carolina sat cautiously on the edge of Taylor’s couch, trying to surreptitiously take in as much of her surroundings as possible without seeming like a creepy fan. Taylor dug around in a drawer in search of his pipe, oblivious to her struggle. The living room, which was all she had seen so far, looked like any bachelor’s living room—an old plaid couch, a fireplace, a built-in bookshelf packed with old books and records, the desk that she recognized as where Taylor did his Skype calls. 

It was all so surreal, being there, seeing inside of his world. In a way, it felt wrong. He shouldn’t trust her so much. He shouldn’t let her see this side of him, the real him, off stage. She wished she had the words to tell him how much she appreciated the trust he was showing her, but she knew as soon as she voiced it, the spell would be broken and he would realize how insane it was to let her in.

“Okay, here we go,” Taylor said, holding out a pipe and lighter in front of her. 

“Oh…” Carolina breathed out; she hadn’t seen a pipe like that since college, and she’d never had the skills to work a lighter and fiddle with the intricacies of a bowl at the same time. She was the worst stoner, and she hated to admit it to Taylor.

“Here, I’ve got you,” he replied quickly. He sat down next to her, legs touching, and put the pipe to her lips. “I’ll tell you when to inhale. That’s all you have to do.”

“Okay,” Carolina nodded, not meeting his eyes. 

Taylor held the lighter to the pungent weed in the bowl, and it crackled and popped as the flame caught. “Okay, now.”

Dutifully, she inhaled, Taylor’s hands nimbly working the lighter and the pipe’s choke. She didn’t stop until her throat burned and tickled with an oncoming cough, a feeling she recognized well.

“Alright,” he said, seeming truly proud of her, although there was a hint of a laugh at the end of the word. 

He pressed the pipe to his own lips and took a hit, then repeated the procedure a few times for her before declaring the bowl cashed. Carolina had just begun to inch backward on the couch when the distinct sound of shuffling paws caught her ears. The sound was soon accompanied by the sight of a large dog with graying fur ambling into the room.

“Well, hello there,” Carolina said, knowing from Taylor’s posts and photos that this was Princess. 

“You’re cool with dogs, right?” Taylor asked. 

“I’m more of a cat person, but I’m not afraid of them or anything.” Carolina shrugged. She held out her hand for Princess to sniff; a few seconds later, the dog plopped down on her feet, and stared up at her expectantly. Carolina took the hint, and ruffled the fur on her head, then scratched behind her ears.

“You’ve got a couple of cats, don’t you? It’s just you and them?”

Carolina nodded. “Yup, just the three of us.”

“My mom has actually started to call Princess her granddog,” Taylor replied. 

“Mine said the same thing about the cats, but I don’t think it was supposed to be a compliment or anything.”  
“Do you ever think about settling down and having kids and everything?”

Carolina shrugged. Of course she did, but somehow, it didn’t seem right to say that. “I guess I do, but it hasn’t happened yet, so I’m not really expecting it to. I’m not getting any younger. And anyway, I don’t think—I mean, my family is pretty fucked up. I don’t think I should do that to a kid, pass that kind of shit down to them, you know?”

Taylor nodded, but his eyes had widened ever so slightly, as though Carolina’s words had shocked him somehow. Maybe she had said too much. She didn’t know.

“So, what’s the plan for tonight?” She asked. “Other than a little weed.”

“Well, Zac isn’t home. It’s not public knowledge yet, but he just proposed to Mia and they’re celebrating tonight. We could watch some movies or something.”

“Movies or something sounds good,” Carolina replied. 

Taylor retrieved his laptop from the desk and balanced it on a cajon. “How do you feel about Clerks?”

Carolina shrugged. She had seen Mallrats years ago but didn’t have any specific feelings about it. If Taylor liked it, she was willing to give it a try. This was all so precarious that she didn’t dare express any concern or displeasure for fear it would all end. 

“Clerks it is,” Taylor replied, pressing a few buttons. “I just pirated the whole Kevin Smith filmography the other day, and I’ve been dying to watch it all again.”

Carolina just nodded and smiled, not knowing what to say. She felt her body temperature rise as Taylor settled back onto the couch, ever so slightly closer to her than before. She let herself inch back toward the back of the couch, finding it easier to relax now that the weed seemed to be finally spreading its warm, numbing tentacles over her body. 

“You know,” Taylor said, leaning in closer to her, “you really should do that naughty librarian thing. I think that would be a best seller.”

“I think you overestimate how naughty I am,” Carolina replied, hoping her tone was innocent enough.

“After what you told me earlier? Oh no, you’re worse than I thought, I’d say,” Taylor replied. “I mean, doing something that public?’

Carolina shrugged. “I was drunk. And fully clothed. It’s not like I had sex in public or something.”

“No? You haven’t?” Taylor replied. “Like, not even with another person in the room or something?”

“I mean, I went to college. I’ve definitely had sex while someone else was asleep or passed out, but that’s not really the same.”

“Well, sure, but that’s college,” Taylor replied. “We all do crazy shit in college.”

It occurred to Carolina that she didn’t even know he had been to college, but that certainly sounded like the voice of experience. Inspired by that, she asked, “Why am I the only one sharing crazy sex stories? It’s only fair if you tell me _your_ craziest sex story, too.”

“I don’t know if I can narrow it down to just one,” Taylor replied.

“Well, one from college, then, since that’s when mine was from,” Carolina said.

Taylor leaned his head back and closed his eyes for a moment, and Carolina took the opportunity to blatantly stare. His shirt was partially unbuttoned and from this angle she had a wonderful view of a patch of his chest, which was hairier than she had imagined. 

“Okay, so, I was at a party in this big warehouse sort of thing. There was this girl; we’d been talking and dancing a bit all night. She suggested we go up to the roof, and I figured, why not?”

Carolina nodded. She had had a few one-night stands, but not quite like that. In that way, she supposed he had already topped her story.

“So, we go up there, and as soon as the door closes behind us, we realize it doesn’t unlock from the outside. But we’re already there, so we figured we might as well… do our thing. I was just putting my pants back on when another couple came through the door. They’d had the same idea, and I just managed to stop them before they closed the door and locked us all out. It would have been more embarrassing if they hadn’t been there for the same reason.” 

“I guess that’s pretty crazy,” Carolina replied. Her mind was swimming at all the new knowledge—and mental pictures  
—that had given her. There were so many sides to Taylor that she didn’t know, and she truly wasn’t sure if she wanted to know them all. She thought back to what Delanie had told her, then eyed Taylor—no, that was too far. That couldn’t be true. It was perhaps superficial of her to think it, but he was too beautiful. She was from West Virginia, after all; she knew what someone who did meth looked like, and they did not look like Taylor Hanson.  
“I mean, that’s what college is for, right?” He asked, his tone dismissive.

“I guess so. That was when I really let loose, but I haven’t been like that since I graduated and moved here.”

“Were you in college when you lost your virginity?” 

“I was,” Carolina replied, glancing down at her own feet, which Princess had finally stopped laying on. “I had basically done everything else, but I hadn’t gone all the way until college.”

“So, what, like it’s not losing your virginity if it’s anal?”

Carolina gaped at Taylor and gave his shoulder a hard nudge. “No, I did _not_ say that! That’s so not what I meant.”

“I thought that was what all the religious girls in the country did,” Taylor shot back.

“Yeah, well, it’s not what the atheist hillbillies did,” Carolina replied.

“Hillbillies?” Taylor raised an eyebrow.

Carolina shrugged. “If the shoe fits. I’m from West Virginia; I can’t really deny it. It’s not a bad thing.”

Taylor didn’t seem to know what else to say to that, and the two resumed watching the movie. Carolina tried not to notice when Princess conveniently climbed onto the couch next to Taylor, forcing him to scoot closer to her. She amused herself with the thought that Taylor had probably trained the dog to do just that—she distinctly remembered a series of group emails in which Mia assured Delanie that Taylor had absolutely no game. She wasn’t sure if she was seeing a demonstration of that or if this was truly just a friendly thing. Then again, would new friends share so many details of their sex lives? She didn’t know, but she did know that she could just barely feel his arm on the back of the couch above her head.

When the movie ended, it was as though she snapped out of a trance. Taylor cleared his throat and said, “I’m going out for a cigarette if you want to join me.”

“I don’t smoke,” Carolina replied, vaguely annoyed that Taylor didn’t remember that about her, “but I’ll go with you. I’m a secondhand smoker.”

Taylor chuckled, and stood up. Carolina followed behind him as he walked onto the front steps of the house. There was a surprising chill in the air—that thing they called June Gloom, she supposed. She wrapped her arms around her chest as she watched Taylor light his cigarette and take a long drag from it.

“So,” he said, “what do you think of LA?”

She shrugged. “It’s not bad. I mean, I like your neighborhood, but if I never have to drive around here again, that’s fine by me.”

“You’re really not a city person, are you?” 

“I’m really, really not.”

Taylor stared at her, a strange intensity in his eyes. “You think you’ll just stay out in the country where you are now? Like, forever?”

“I don’t know,” she replied. It wasn’t enough of an answer; his eyes told her that clearly. Yet she couldn’t read them well enough to know what answer he wanted. She found it unnerving; it would have been all too easy to just keep talking, spilling all her guts until he heard whatever it was he wanted to hear. “I like the area I’m in, and I definitely don’t want to be back in the city. I’ve only been out of the San Jose area for a year, and I have to go into Santa Cruz more often than I’d like. And I’m really, really dreading the drive back to my hotel tonight.”

“So don’t go back. If Laura’s flight is getting in that late, you’re going to be fucking dead by the time you make it back across town. You can just stay here.”

“Are you sure?” Carolina asked. “I feel like I’ve already massively overstayed my welcome tonight.”

“You haven’t. I know you’ve got that Southern thing going on, and you have to, like, apologize for everything, but seriously. You can stay here. Text Laura and let her know, and we’ll go back out and get my car.”

“Okay,” Carolina replied. She pulled her phone from her pocket, realizing that it was already just past time for Laura’s flight to land. The evening had flown by in Taylor’s company. She slid the phone open and read her newest notification. “Oh, she’s texted me already.”

_Hey, I’m stuck in major traffic, so it’s going to be really late before I get to the hotel! I don’t know what to do. I’m gonna try to call them and see if they will let you check in already._

**I’m with Taylor. He said I could spend the night. I’ll pay you my half of the room anyway.**

She stuffed her phone back into her pocket, not wanting to see any protests Laura might make when she read about Carolina’s plan. Carolina didn’t care. She was spending the night with Taylor, and nothing else mattered.


	15. When It's Just the Two of Us

_Strange how sincerely we can lead each  
Other into something deep  
For a minute we're both in it  
It's so mutual how we deceive  
Now you're taking off my clothes  
And I've never felt like this before  
You're just seeing where this goes_

Carolina rummaged around in the back of her car for the second time that evening. She hurried to stuff some pajamas and an outfit for the next day into her toiletry bag. It was dark and she wasn’t sure what she had packed, but she hoped it was at least wearable. She hesitated for a moment, then turned to look at Taylor, who stood waiting on the sidewalk by the door, having just finished his cigarette.

“Do I—umm, do I need to bring in my pillow or anything?” She hated how silly she must have sounded, but it was a valid question that, in a circumspect way, addressed his intentions for the night. 

“No,” Taylor replied. “You’re sleeping in my bed.”

“Oh. Okay.” Carolina closed her car door and walked up the sidewalk. For a brief moment, as she closed in on Taylor, who was holding the screen door open, she envisioned him giving the bed to her and sleeping on the couch.

“We’re sharing,” he said softly, as she passed under his arm. “I mean, if you think you can be good, then I can be good, too. But I wouldn’t mind if you were bad.”

Carolina let out a soft laugh, because what could she say to that? She opened the door and walked inside, placing her bag on the couch. She began to dig through it, not glancing back at Taylor as he walked away. A moment later, she heard his footsteps return and spun around to face him, her phone charger in one hand and her birth control pills in the other. 

“What do you need?” He asked. “An outlet to plug your phone in, obviously.”

“Umm. A glass of water?” Carolina dutifully kept her eyes on his, trying not to stare at the strangely normal pajamas he wore. His t-shirt was oversized, bearing the name of some record store, and it hung down over a pair of boring, blue plaid boxers. Except for his nearly shoulder length hair, he looked like a perfectly normal guy. Again, Carolina was struck by this different side of him he was allowing her to see, and she couldn’t at all think what she had done to deserve it.

A moment later, Taylor returned with a glass of water, and Carolina turned away from him to pop her pill out of the packet and swallow it down. She heard him walk away, down the hallway to what she assumed was his bedroom. 

She picked up her toiletry bag and padded to the bathroom. She was glad she had remembered to pack makeup remover wipes. As she scrubbed the last of her sweaty face of makeup off, she was surprised to find that she wasn’t really all that nervous about going to bed with Taylor. What did it matter of he saw her without makeup and in her stupid, floral pajamas that looked like they belonged on someone’s grandmother? This was her; she wasn’t going to pretend to be someone else so that he would like her more. 

At least the pajamas hid the fact that she’d gained five or ten pounds since the last time he had seen her. Then again, he talked about liking his women with a little meat on their bones. Carolina supposed this would be the test of whether or not he really meant that. 

Once she’d made herself as presentable as she could manage with no makeup and floral shorts, she padded down the hall to the one room with a light still on. Taylor glanced up from the bedside table, where he had plugged her phone in, and gave a soft laugh.

“Don’t start,” Carolina said. 

“I didn’t say anything,” Taylor replied. “Which side of the bed do you want?”

“It doesn’t matter. Outside, I guess.”

“Okay,” Taylor replied, flipping off the light just as Carolina lifted one leg onto the bed. She stumbled, and he chuckled softly as he turned the light on again. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay,” she said, as he turned off the light again and she watched his vague, dark figure walk toward the bed and climb around the other side of it. “I’m just really glad you said I could stay here. I feel so bad for being such a mess today.”

“You need to stop apologizing all the time,” Taylor said, his face coming into focus as he laid down next to her. 

“I just hate when things don’t go according to my plans, and I just feel like I kinda accidentally—I dunno, I didn’t plan this.”

“It’s fine,” Taylor replied. “Get some sleep. You’ve gotta be exhausted.”

“I guess I am,” Carolina replied, rolling onto her side, facing away from him.

So they really were just going to sleep, Carolina thought to herself. That was fine. That was perfectly okay. It was more than she ever expected, and so Carolina knew she had no right to be disappointed by it. 

“Do you mind cuddling?” Taylor said, his voice soft and low. Carolina couldn’t help thinking that he sounded like one of his songs, and she was glad the light was off, so that he couldn’t see how much it turned her on.

“No,” she replied, tensing as he scooted closer to her, his arm wrapping around her waist and his hand coming to rest on her stomach. For a brief moment, she wanted to tell him to move, that he couldn’t touch that part of her, where she was softer and chubbier than she wanted to be. She took a deep breath, then exhaled. It was fine. Taylor could touch her wherever she wanted, and she realized that she really didn’t care what he thought of her body. 

She wondered again if this was all they were going to do--just lay there together and cuddle. She should be happy with just that much, she knew. But she wasn’t. She wanted more. Maybe she hadn’t flirted enough or made it obvious enough that she was interested. Maybe he needed encouragement or permission before he would do more. She inched backward, rubbing her leg against his and trying to settle herself into a more suggestive position. Then she felt it—maybe. Between her pajamas and his boxers, she couldn’t be certain, but… yes. There it was. When she moved her hips ever so slightly, she was certain she felt him pressing up against her, a sure sign that he wanted her, too.

Taylor Fucking Hanson wanted her. 

Then again, there was a woman in his bed, rubbing her ass against his dick. What kind of guy wouldn’t have a reaction to that?

It didn’t matter. He was reacting. He was _hard_. 

Suddenly, her phone buzzed, and the moment was broken. She reached for it, and saw that it was a text from Laura. She opened the message and typed a quick reply.

“It’s Laura,” she told Taylor as she put her phone back on the nightstand and turned to face him. She attempted to maneuver her leg between his but ended up throwing it over both of his entirely. That worked, she supposed. If he didn’t take _that_ hint, he was hopeless. 

“What did she want?” He asked softly.

“She has instructed me to be at the hotel in time to have breakfast with her, and to please not get into an accident or get murdered or anything before then.” Carolina carefully didn’t mention whether she had or hadn’t told Laura she was with Taylor.

“I think you can manage that,” Taylor replied. His hand was suddenly on her thigh, and she couldn’t remember when that had happened. It began to inch further and further up until it reached the edge of her shorts. “Did you ever play ‘nervous’ in middle school?”

“Not in middle school,” Carolina said.

“Earlier than that?” Taylor asked. Carolina’s eyes had just begun to adjust to the darkness, and she could see the mischievous look in his yes.

“No,” she replied incredulously. “I told you I was a good kid.”

He didn’t reply to that, and Carolina didn’t know what else to say. It was time, she decided. He was going to wait for her to make the first move, to remove any and all doubt that she wanted this too. She placed a hand on his cheek, and leaned in, gently pressing her lips to his. They were softer than she expected, and he kissed her back easily and eagerly. She was the first to pull away, in shock that she really had found the nerve to do it.

“I’m sorry,” she said, burying her face in the pillow in a way that she hoped was adorable and coy. “It’s been a really long time for me.”

Taylor didn’t say anything, and Carolina risked looking at him again. This time, they moved in together, their lips meeting with more force this time. Carolina couldn’t resist the urge to run her tongue along his bottom lip, then slip it inside his mouth. She was surprised to find that he didn’t taste like cigarettes. When she came up for air, he placed quick, desperate kisses against the side of her neck. 

Taylor’s hand had never left her thigh, and she gasped when it slipped inside the leg of her shorts and nudged her panties to the side. She was already so wet, probably embarrassingly so, and his finger slipped inside her easily. She buried her head in the crook of his neck as he expertly moved his fingers in and out of her. 

When he stopped, she let out a pathetic whine, but she couldn’t be upset for long. His hands went to her shirt, yanking it over her head. She grabbed the hem of his, tugging it upward until he took the hint. That was better, she decided; she didn’t feel so self-conscious if he was just as naked. 

One hand nudged the cup of her bra down, and his lips followed after it, latching onto her nipple with an eagerness that turned her on even more. Just when she began to see stars, he moved to the other breast, his hair tickling in between them. She let out a giggle in spite of herself, and the look in his eyes when he paused to stare up at her made her feel like she might actually be blushing all the way down to her toes.

“Sorry,” Carolina said, running her fingers through his hair, “that just tickled a little.”

Taylor didn’t respond to that. Instead, he nudged Carolina onto her back, his hand pushing her shorts down until she took the hint and wiggled out of them. He crawled down her body, pulling her panties down once he reached his destination. Carolina kicked them off, then spread her legs slightly to let Taylor settle in between them. He slipped a finger into her again, his tongue darting out to lick her clit. She gasped, her hand instinctively coming to rest in his hair as he found a perfect rhythm. After a moment, he slid his finger out and rested his hands on her thighs, his tongue sliding in and out of her in a wonderful simulation of what she really wanted him to do.

“Please… Taylor,” Carolina gasped out, hating how pathetic she sounded. “Are you trying to kill me?”

Taylor didn’t respond with words. Instead, he redoubled his efforts, his hot breath against her skin making Carolina’s legs tremble as her orgasm grew closer and closer. She tightened her grip on his hair as she came undone, whispering a plea for him to fuck her already. 

He chuckled, but Carolina was too far gone to care how desperate she must look and sound. Nearly three years was, apparently, long enough to forget just how enjoyable sex with another human being could be. In any case, Taylor seemed nearly as desperate as her, judging by the way he hurriedly wiggled out of his boxers and climbed on top of her. With one hand, he positioned himself and thrust into her, and Carolina bit back a groan at the feeling of it. Taylor wasn’t exactly small, and it had been years, after all. A part of her couldn’t believe that he hadn’t put on a condom, but she didn’t know how to say anything about that.

Instead, she managed to grasp his arms and say, “Be gentle. I told you it’s been a while.”

Taylor nodded, and began to thrust. In moments, his hips were crashing into hers and his head buried in her neck. He let out a chorus of _oh fucks_ that Carolina wanted to hear for the rest of time. She thought she might get off solely on the knowledge that she could make Taylor feel that good, that she could make him moan in what sounded like actual surprise. She wrapped her legs around his thighs and gave herself permission to moan just as loudly as he did.

Just when she felt herself growing close to another orgasm, her moans turning to little more than whimpers and whines, Taylor pulled back. He strained to reach for something in a drawer of the nightstand and Carolina shamelessly stared at his long, thin body and his equally long dick. She glanced away as he rolled on the condom he had retrieved, and closed her eyes as he re-positioned himself and thrust into her again, quickly gaining even more speed than before.

His hand snaked between their bodies, a finger finding her clit and rubbing it, and that was it. She was done. She dug her fingernails into his back and squeezed her eyes shut as she orgasmed again, the feeling a mixture of incredible pleasure and disbelief all at once. It was about who it was making her feel that way, of course, but it was also the knowledge that he was coming, too, his moans reaching an obscene pitch that left her shaking beneath him. 

All too soon, he pulled back, and Carolina again couldn’t resist staring as he walked out of the room, his round ass practically bouncing as he walked. He was gorgeous, and she couldn’t believe that he wanted to touch _her_ of all people. 

With shaky hands, she pulled her underwear and pajamas back on, and was settled underneath the covers by the time he walked back into the room, wearing a new pair of boxers of his own. He crawled across the bed again, and Carolina curled up against him, her arm around his thin waist. 

“That was…” she breathed out, “not half bad.”

Taylor let out an abortive laugh. “Yeah, I would definitely describe that as… not half bad.”

“I didn’t really plan on that happening tonight,” Carolina said, then immediately felt dumb. Of course she didn’t, but it wasn’t the time to spell all of that out. 

“Hey, things happen. The hormones take over or whatever. I mean, you don’t really always plan sex, right?”

Carolina’s mind spun. She wanted to say something about how, yes, actually women _did_. You didn’t go out to a club or on a date with no plans; your safety depending upon having already decided whether or not you intended to consent to someone that night—whether you knew yet who that someone might be or not. She didn’t say any of that, though. Instead, she replied, “Well, you remember San Francisco?”

“Yeah…” Taylor said. When Carolina only giggled and buried her head in the pillow, he asked, “What, you were planning to seduce me then?”

“I wasn’t going to put it that way, but—" She cut herself off. “I really need to learn how to shut my goddamn mouth around you. You’re dangerous. I just spill my guts to you.”

Taylor just chuckled. “What did Laura think of this plan? Did she know about it?”

“She just said we better not be sharing a bed,” Carolina replied, then groaned and shoved her face into the pillow again. “I’m going to get some sleep now before I say anything more incriminating.”

“Goodnight,” Taylor said, his tone still obviously amused.

“Goodnight,” Carolina replied, then rolled over on her side. Taylor fumbled around a bit to get more comfortable, his pillow landing on her face in the process. “So you _are_ trying to kill me.”

“Maybe.” Taylor chuckled. 

Having settled into position, Taylor wrapped his arm around her waist again, and this time, Carolina couldn’t resist the urge to put her hand over his.


	16. The Beauty of a Secret

_Everybody wants to know  
If we fucked on the bathroom sink  
How your hands felt in my hair  
If we were high on amphetamines_

_And everybody wants to hear  
How we chainsmoked until three  
And how you laughed when you said my name  
And how you gripped my hips so mean _

Carolina woke in the morning feeling like she had slept for only minutes. At some point, Taylor had pulled one of his numerous pillows over his head. Carolina stretched to reach for her phone, and felt him jostle awake at her movement.

“I should probably get going,” she said. “Do you mind if I take a shower first? I smell like weed and sweat and…”

“S’fine,” Taylor said, a sleepy smile on his face that melted Carolina’s heart. “You can use my towel.”

He waved a lazy hand toward a beach towel sized thing hanging on a hook by his closet. Carolina pulled herself from the bed and grabbed the towel, then made her way to the bathroom. It was the sort of old fashioned bathroom with mint green tile that she wished she’d been able to find in a house, and it was exactly as clean as she expected in a house full of bachelors. 

The shower was hot, but somehow it didn’t make her feel much cleaner. She felt certain everyone she saw that day would be able to tell what she had done. There was a part of her that wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but she knew she couldn’t. It had to be a secret. It would have never happened if she hadn’t, somehow, gained Taylor’s trust. To break that trust now would assure that it was a one-time thing. 

As she rinsed the shampoo and conditioner from her hair, Carolina replayed the previous night’s events in her head. It was still unbelievable. Maybe it wasn’t quite the best she’d ever had, but that was a longer list than she was proud of. It didn’t matter; it was still Taylor Hanson and she still wanted more of him. She didn’t know what she had done to deserve him, but she was glad she had. She had thought that perhaps she would have been able to resist him, but that was stupid. Of course she couldn’t. She only hoped he understood how big of a deal this was to her—both because it was him and because it had been so long since she had been able to trust anyone that much.

Trust was a two-way street, she realized, and it was something of a miracle that they both found it in each other, a miracle that two broken, fucked up people like them could see through everything and share something that intimate.

Carolina climbed out of the shower and wrapped the towel around herself twice. She fumbled around in her bag until she located panties, bra, jeans and a-shirt. As she pulled the shirt on, she realized the shirt was the new one she’d purchased from Taylor’s online store, thinking it would be cute to wear to the house show. 

That was awkward and less than ideal, but she didn’t relish walking out to her car to find something else. She eyed herself in the mirror, and was pleased to see that the outfit did at least look cute and fit her well enough.

Also less than ideal was the placement of the room’s only outlet—less than a foot from the floor, almost in a corner. Carolina took a deep breath and sat down, holding that breath in when she realized how close she was to the toilet. Realizing she didn’t have any other options, she plopped down and plugged her hair dryer in. She reminded herself that she had been in college for years, long enough to endure worse and more disgusting in many a dorm and off campus apartment. There was something oddly familiar and relieving about being that person again, instead of the proper adult she had become since graduating with her Masters. Gross, but familiar.

Once she was reasonably presentable, her hair combed straight and her usual face full of heavy yet subtle makeup on, Carolina shoved everything back into her bag and walked back to Taylor’s room with it and the towel in tow. He was awake, staring at the doorway.

“Hey,” she said, hanging up the towel. Taylor glanced at her and chuckled. Carolina tugged at the hem of the shirt. “Yeah, I didn’t really plan that. I better get going, though.”

“Okay,” Taylor replied. “I’m gonna get some more sleep.”

“You enjoy that. I’ll see you later tonight, I guess.”

“Yeah. See you later.”

Carolina wanted to say something else. She stood over his bed, contemplating leaning down and giving him a quick kiss. Then she thought better of it. She settled for a smile, then grabbed her cell phone and charger, turning on her heel and walking out of the room before she could do or say something dumb.

From his driveway, she sent Laura a text to let her know she was on her way. The drive back to the hotel, where she was thankfully able to check in, was shorter than she remembered. Maybe it was because all the stress of the day before was removed, a massive weight of anxiety gone from her shoulders.

After dropping her bags off in the room, she headed back down to the lobby, where Laura was just returning from Starbucks with two large cups and a bag full of muffins and bagels.

“I figure you worked up an appetite last night,” Laura said with a smirk.

“What makes you think that?” Carolina asked, doing her best to sound innocent. It didn’t work at all. “Okay, I totally did.”

Laura pulled her down onto a couch and handed her a cup. “One sip. Then spill. I need all the details.”

****

“Wouldn’t it be cool if he brought Princess with him? I mean, not necessarily tonight, but he’s got to know that we all want to meet her,” Emilia said, as they walked down the sidewalk toward the Hotel Café. 

“She’s such a sweet dog,” Carolina replied, realizing her mistake so quickly that she nearly drew blood digging her teeth into her bottom lip to shut herself up. When Emilia just gave her a blank stare, Carolina said, “Okay, so, when I got stranded yesterday, but then I said I met up with a friend? I didn’t want to tell everyone, but I managed to get in touch with Taylor and we hung out for a while until the hotel would let me check in.”

It was still partially a lie, but that was okay, Carolina reasoned. Emilia had made it very clear that she was interested in Taylor, and Carolina didn’t think she would take it very well if she knew what had really happened.

“Oh, okay,” Emilia replied, the words drawn out a bit as though she didn’t quite believe that was all there was to the story. “For a second there, I thought there was something more going on between you two. Like, I don’t know, you’re secretly sleeping with him or something.”

Carolina stopped in her tracks and laughed out loud, hoping the sound was believable and didn’t betray how nervous and exposed she felt. “Umm. Wow. Well, I’m really flattered that you would think that, but no. Definitely not.”

It was a good thing she didn’t believe in hell, Carolina thought, because the lies were flowing so easily from her lips that she would have certainly earned herself a first class ticket there if it were a real place. Then again, it wasn’t complete a lie, either-- _sleeping together_ implied that it had happened on more than one occasion. 

“It just seems like you two are really close,” Emilia replied with a dismissive shrug.

“We’re really not,” Carolina said, lowering her voice as they walked through the doors of the café. “It’s just that we’ve met in person, unlike a lot of his fans. But I live like six hours away; it would be pretty difficult for anything to be happening between us, even if I am closer to him—geographically—than a lot of other fans.”

Emilia just gave her a look and shrugged, and Carolina suspected she didn’t totally buy that explanation. It didn’t help that Laura was just staring at her, as if in disbelief at the entire conversation. Carolina could relate.

The conversation ended as they walked inside. The venue was already crawling with various other fans who had been informed of the secret show. Most of them congregated around the small merch booth that Zac and Mia were in the process of setting up. While Emilia and Laura wandered off to greet someone Carolina didn’t know, she shuffled awkwardly toward the merch booth, looking for someone, anyone, she did knew.

“Hey!” A voice called out, and it took her only a moment to recognize Delanie, who constantly posted pictures herself. She was short, even moreso than Carolina, and there was just a bit of desperation about her tight dress and fluttering false lashes.

“Hey,” Carolina replied, steeling herself as Delanie pulled her into a hug, then drug her over to a somewhat secluded corner near the merch booth. “Okay, you have to tell me—did you make out with him?”

Carolina laughed and shook her head. “No, no, no. We just had a few drinks and dinner. That was all. We just hung out.”

“Oh, come on,” Delanie said, leaning heavily enough against Carolina for the smell of alcohol to make her eyes water. That somewhat explained her bluntness, Carolina reasoned. “You totally made out with him.”

“I really, really didn’t.” Once again, Carolina was surprised at the ease with which she lied. 

It helped, she supposed, that she was deeply regretting having told Delanie as little as she had. As Delanie spotted someone else she knew and wandered off to accost them, Carolina decided her assessment had been correct—she was a fan to watch out for and keep at arm’s length. 

Once Delanie was gone, Mia turned her attention to Carolina. It was easier to greet her with a hug, although it surprised Carolina that Mia seemed so happy to meet her. They hadn’t chatted that much, because Carolina hadn’t known how to approach someone who was so close to Taylor. 

“Hey,” Mia said. “I’m so glad you made it. You had a rough time yesterday, huh?”

“Yeah,” Carolina replied. Deciding it was okay to be a little more truthful with Mia, she added, “I actually ended up meeting up with Taylor for a little while. So it all worked out fine.”

Mia nodded and smiled, and Carolina couldn’t help thinking there was something strangely knowing in her expression. Perhaps she was just being paranoid, considering that she had already been accosted twice by surprisingly accurate accusations. 

She wondered if it would ever get easier or if the accusations would only grow. 

Before she or Mia could say anything else, Laura and Emilia came rushing back up, their hands loaded down with shots. Delanie was trailing behind them, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they weren’t paying any attention to her. Carolina gladly accepted two of the shots and threw them back with ease. They’d had a few wine coolers back at the hotel while they got dressed and did their makeup, but she was going to need more liquid courage to get through this night. 

Emilia’s cheeks were nearly as rosy as her hair, suggesting that she’d downed a few more shots between the bar and merch table. Laura was smiling wider, too, and Carolina couldn’t say for sure if that was because of the alcohol or the fact that the concert was about to start.

None of them seemed quite as far gone as Delanie, who somehow seemed to have grown twice as drunk in the few minutes since Carolina had last seen her. She clutched Carolina by the arm, awkwardly pulling her forward. “Come on, we’ve got to find a good spot in front of the stage! You and that cleavage need to be front row.” 

Carolina laughed, her head spinning just a bit already, as Delanie emphasized her point by jiggling Carolina’s boobs. Her dress wasn’t especially revealing, she hadn’t thought, but her figure had a way of popping out of even the most conservative outfits. She could only hope that she didn’t seem too desperate, but with so many other tipsy fans around, Carolina didn’t think there was much risk of that.

In any case, she wasn’t desperate anymore. She had gotten the prize that all these other girls were vying for. Her head spun as she let herself be drug through the crowd of them to the stage, not sure that she was ready to see Taylor again when her mind was still full of images of the way he had looked on top of her.


	17. The Truth In Me

_Our secret moments  
In your crowded room  
They've got no idea  
About me and you  
There is an indentation  
In the shape of you  
Made your mark on me  
A golden tattoo_

_All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation  
My hands are shaking from holding back from you  
All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting  
My hands are shaking from all this_

Even though it had been less than a year since the first time Carolina had seen Taylor in concert, it seemed like it was all brand new. The audience was small, and nearly everyone crowded around the front of the stage was there only for Taylor. Carolina recognized almost every face, and knew she was Myspace or LiveJournal friends with several of them. Being here with them all, everyone she had chatted with and gotten to know for months, only added to the experience.

She danced and sang along with Laura and Emilia, the latter of whom loomed behind her, even taller than Carolina expected before meeting her. Delanie hovered near, too, becoming increasingly touchy-feely with the other girls as the show went on. The alcohol had kicked in so that her inhibitions about making a fool of herself were far lower than usual; in any case, she wasn’t sure there was anything else she could do at this point to embarrass herself in front of Taylor. He had literally seen all of her—there was nothing left to hide from him.

Carolina wanted this feeling, this concert, to never end. She had never considered herself to be that much of a live music person; being surrounded by so many people, shoved into someone else’s personal space, was one of the worst feelings she could imagine. In that moment, though, she couldn’t imagine anything better. Taylor only glanced her way once or twice, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t even about all of that anymore. It was about the music and the pure high that came from hearing a song you loved. As she danced around the front row with Laura, Carolina wondered what a sad life it must be to not feel music all the way down to your bones, to not ever have a song crawl under your skin and become a part of you, something you could almost see and taste.

In just a few short songs, the show was over, the spell was broken, and another band took the stage. Taylor vanished off stage and Carolina went to the bar for another drink; dancing had worn off the first few and she knew she would need more courage if she were to approach him amid the rush of fans that had already headed to the merch booth.

She sipped her drink slowly and watched from a distance as he chatted with fans she didn’t know well, but vaguely recognized. By the time she had finished her drink, he had managed to free himself from the crowd and taken a seat at a dark booth. Laura nudged Carolina toward him, and it only took a little encouragement for her to approach him.

“Hey,” Carolina said, awkwardly sliding into the booth next to him. Laura slid in beside her. “Really good set.”

“Yeah?” Taylor replied, looking her up and down. “It was just a warm up for the big show.”

“Well, it was a good one,” Carolina replied blandly, wondering where her ability to talk to him had gone.

“Hey, let’s take a pic,” Laura said, pulling out her phone and shoving it into their faces before either could object. Carolina put a hand on Taylor’s arm and leaned her head against his shoulder. She could only imagine how they must look, but the part of her brain that truly cared had been dulled by the alcohol.

After snapping the photo, Laura asked Taylor about one of the songs he had played. While the two chatted, Carolina fell silent. Even a liberal amount of alcohol couldn’t change the person she truly was, and that was a socially awkward creature who had no clue how to talk to anyone, especially someone she was interested in. She shouldn’t have approached him at all, she decided. She wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for Laura’s insistence—then again, without Laura, she might have been brave enough to flirt. As it was, she really wasn’t sure who the third wheel was.

“Hey, I’m gonna go grab something to eat before they close the kitchen,” Taylor said, the words directed more toward Carolina than toward Laura—or perhaps she imagined that. She couldn’t be sure.

“Okay. I’ll be here.”

Carolina watched Taylor walk away, melting into the crowd at the bar. Moments after that, Laura gave her a nudge. “I’m gonna go say hi to Olivia. I’ll be back.”

“Okay,” Carolina mumbled.

She remained in the booth on her own, letting the second band’s music wash over here. They played power pop, with suggestive lyrics that, under the circumstances, made her blush. She was glad the room was dark and no one would be able to notice. 

As she remained there, on her own, she felt stupider and stupider. Taylor had ditched her, it was clear. She should have known that he would. Maybe if she had approached him on her own… but no, it wouldn’t have mattered. If he wanted to be around her, he would be. Of course, deep down, she knew it wasn’t that simple. The bar was teaming with his fans, all vying for his attention, and she couldn’t expect to get more of it than any of the others, no matter what they had done the night before.

The crowd cleared for a moment, and she could see that Taylor had taken a new seat across the room, and was, indeed eating. At least he hadn’t lied to her about that. What really made Carolina’s heart sink was to see Delanie standing next to him, practically leaning on his chair. 

“Come on,” Laura said, having reappeared suddenly with Emilia in tow. “We’re going to say goodbye to Taylor and get back to the hotel.”

“Okay,” Carolina replied, unsure whether she wanted to approach him or not while Delanie was so clearly trying to make her move.

Still, she let herself be swept along by the current. As they approached, Delanie spun around and put her arms out. They landed on Carolina’s shoulders, and despite the fact that Delanie was an inch or two shorter than her, she struggled to stay upright.

“Carolina! Are you guys leaving?” She slurred, obviously having had a few more drinks at some point. Carolina wondered where a person even smaller than her could find to store that much alcohol without ending up in the hospital.

“Yeah, we were just gonna say goodnight to Taylor and head back to our hotel.” 

She leaned in closer to Carolina, practically standing on her tip toes. “You gotta give me a kiss before you go!”

Carolina laughed and leaned back away from her, not knowing what to say. Had she told Delanie about her vague, uncertain sexuality? She couldn’t remember. Obviously, she must have. 

“Aww, come on,” Delanie whined. “Just one little kiss?”

Her friends were talking to Taylor and none of them were looking her way. She supposed it wouldn’t hurt, and in any case, she was just drunk enough herself to blame it on the alcohol. It seemed the only way to get Delanie to un-leech herself, and so Carolina leaned down and placed a very quick, closed-mouthed peck on her lips.

That did the trick. Delanie let go and stumbled off toward the bar again. Carolina took two long steps toward Taylor and he finally turned her away, a smile on his face.

“You guys heading out?” He asked, reaching out one arm in something of a half-hug.

“Yeah,” Carolina said, leaning in and wrapping her arms around him. She pressed her face against the side of his, and the move felt especially intimidate when she remembered where she had felt his stubble less than twenty-four hours before. “Goodnight, Taylor.”

“See you tomorrow,” he replied, lingering on the hug for just long enough to make Carolina not feel like an idiot for getting so close to him.

Reluctantly, she let go of him and located Laura and Emilia. The three of them walked back to their hotel together, Laura and Emilia chatting about the concert while Carolina stayed silent. The last twenty-four hours of her life had seemed to be a week long and it was finally all catching up with her. She wanted to sleep for at least a full day, and perhaps when she awoke, her life would make sense again.

The walk back to the hotel seemed to take forever, and it took even longer for the three of them to drunkenly change into their pajamas and settle down. Carolina was the first to make it to bed, but even as she pulled the covers up, her phone buzzed, alerting her to a new text.

It was from Taylor.

_Hey, was thinking about going to the beach tomorrow, if you’re down_

**Just name the time and place :)**

****

The next day, it rained. And rained. And then rained some more. 

Carolina wasn’t surprised when the entire day went by without another text from Taylor. By the time the girls had gotten dressed up for the house show—and the vague plan of going clubbing afterwards—the rain had finally let up, but it didn’t lessen Carolina’s disappointment at not getting to spend the day with him.

On the other hand, she’d had all day to think about how she might explain her need to get away to Emilia and hadn’t come up with anything feasible. In the end, she supposed things had worked out how they needed to, even if it meant less time with Taylor.

The directions Mia had given them were easy enough to follow, and soon they found themselves in front of a Spanish style house that looked like a flea market had exploded all over it. It could have belonged to no one but Zac’s hippie fiancée, Carolina thought. It was funny how some people became their houses, or their houses became them. Taylor’s was still, mostly, a blank slate. She wondered what that said about him, but came to no conclusions.

In the kitchen, a variety of drinks were spread out on the countertops for everyone to help themselves to. Laura poured shots of tequila for herself and for Carolina, and Carolina forced hers down, even though it was her least favorite type of liquor.

“Is Taylor here yet?” Emilia asked the small group of girls standing around the kitchen.

“No,” Delanie replied. “He’s not. He should be here any minute now.”

“I hope we have a little time to hang out,” Emilia said.

Laura and Carolina shared a look, then Laura shook her head. Carolina wasn’t being discrete enough, she knew. Maybe she should come clean with Emilia, if with no one else. If the truth ever came out, it would only hurt her more after all the lies. Carolina could only hope she would understand that they were well-intentioned lies, meant to spare her feelings. She suspected that wouldn’t soften the blow very much.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Delanie asked, drawing Carolina out of her thoughts. She gave a pointed, but polite and smiling, stare to the other girls, then took Carolina by the arm. “Alone, I mean.”


	18. Hopelessly Hopeful

_Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "best friends"  
We're the kids who feel like dead ends  
And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses  
I took a shot and didn't even come close  
At trust and love and hope  
And the poets are just kids who didn't make it  
And never had it at all_

_And the record won't stop skipping  
And the lies just won't stop slipping  
And besides my reputation's on the line  
We can fake it for the airwaves  
Force our smiles, baby, half dead  
From comparing myself to everyone else around me_

Delanie drug Carolina down a hallway until the din of people arriving for the party was barely audible and no one else was around to hear whatever it was she wanted to say. Carolina stared at her, waiting for her to speak first.

“I know you said nothing happened between you and Taylor…”

Carolina nodded.

“But I just need to know, did he act completely platonic toward you?” Delanie asked.

Carolina stared at her. _Platonic?_ “I don’t… I don’t think I know what you mean by that.”

“I mean, did he act like someone who has a girlfriend?”

“I don’t know how someone with a girlfriend acts when he’s just hanging out with a friend,” Carolina said, proud of herself for getting the words out without betraying the fact that her heart had fallen into the very bottom of her stomach. 

“Well, here’s the thing,” Delanie said, taking a slight step closer. “After the show last night, I asked him to come back to my hotel room with me. He said, ‘no, not when you’re this drunk,’ which was a totally respectable way to respond, and I’m fine with that.”

Carolina nodded again, her mind spinning. Did Taylor have a girlfriend? How close had he come to accepting Delanie’s proposition? It was all too much to process, and the shot she’d taken that was still burning her throat didn’t help.

“But see, after that, Mia and her friends told me the real reason he said no was because he has a girlfriend. They’ve been together for a couple years and he’s kept it really quiet but he’s starting to realize how serious he is about her. And she was at the show last night.”

“Oh,” Carolina squeaked out. It was possible, she supposed, but if he was serious about someone else, surely he wouldn’t have slept with her. Surely not. She had to believe that.

“Who do you think it is?” Delanie asked, her tone suddenly shifting from spurned to gossiping.

Carolina shook her head. “I don’t—I don’t have a clue. I mean, I just assume that he’s slept with all of these girls who he’s known for years, and then I don’t worry about it. I mean, I thought he was with Mia before I knew about her and Zac.”

“No, they’ve never had sex, but he did proposition her a while back. She turned him down, though, because she would never do that to Zac,” Delanie replied. Her tone shifted again. “The thing is, if he really does have this girl he’s serious about—whoever she is—he really needs to think about the way he acts toward us. It’s not fair, you know, letting all of these girls think that they’re getting one thing, when it’s not true.”

“I mean, none of us are guaranteed to get anything—he’s just a flirt, but that’s his stage persona. We talked about that before. Just because that’s how he acts onstage doesn’t mean that’s how he really is in person. I think this kind of just proves my point.” She was seconds away from falling apart, she was sure of it. He had a girlfriend—and she had slept with him. 

_Have you ever been the person someone cheated with?_

He’d asked her that, during the movie, while they traded their stories. She hadn’t thought much of it at the time. Suddenly that oddly specific question made way, way too much sense, and it made Carolina sick to her stomach. She leaned back against the wall and tried to focus on what Delanie was saying.

“But he’s encouraging us to flirt and to think that we have a chance. It’s not just harmless flirting. We’re sending him pics, we’re sending him videos—”

“Speak for yourself,” Carolina butted in, although she had a feeling Delanie was doing exactly that.

“Oh, you don’t want to know some of the shit I’ve sent him. Things he asked for, things he obviously enjoying getting. It makes me feel fucking sick knowing I did that and he’s dating someone. But I know you haven’t done that kind of thing, and he’s just… he’s so different with you. Which is why I thought you might know if it’s true.”

“He’s different with me _because_ I don’t flirt and send him pictures and things,” Carolina replied, then bit her lip. Maybe she shouldn’t have said that. But if it hurt Delanie’s feelings, she didn’t show it. “But that doesn’t mean that we’re really that close or he talks to me about anything.”

“I just think someone needs to tell him to be fucking honest with us. Yes, it will hurt to find out the truth now, but he needs to come clean. Even if it ruins the illusion and he loses some fans over it. Honesty is worth it.”

“If it’s true, I agree.” _If_. It was a big if. She hoped. 

“Hey, guys,” Laura said, poking her head around the corner. “The show’s about to start. It’s on the patio—go through the living room and around the side.”

Delanie practically skipped after her, as though that entire conversation hadn’t happened, and she hadn’t just all but cursed Taylor’s name. Carolina stayed leaning against the wall for a moment, trying to catch her breath and calm herself down. 

Once she finally felt capable of walking again, she headed to the kitchen rather than the living room. She grabbed a bottle of rum and poured herself a generous portion into a red plastic cup. She followed it up with just a hint of soda, the drink still almost completely clear. This vacation was proving to be very bad for her liver, Carolina thought as she threw back her poorly mixed concoction.

As she drank, her mind became clearer again somehow. She had known Delanie wasn’t to be trusted. She had _known_ and she still had let her get too close. Because it had been so ridiculous, Carolina had all but forgotten Delanie’s claim that Taylor had tried every drug known to man. She had dismissed it outright, but she hadn’t thought about _why_ Delanie would make that sort of claim in the same breath that she assured Carolina that Taylor would only want sex from her.

Delanie was trying to take out the competition. 

Of course Taylor didn’t have a girlfriend. Delanie only wanted to gage her reaction to it, because she still didn’t believe that Carolina hadn’t slept with him. And if it also had the side effect of convincing Carolina not to pursue him, that was even better for Delanie.

It seemed obvious. It had to be the truth.

Carolina refilled her drink, then headed outside, where she could hear Taylor beginning to strum his guitar to no particular tune. He was dressed down, in ripped jeans and a sweatshirt, and when he saw her walk out his face lit up. Carolina didn’t think she would ever tire of all the ways he looked at her, all the expressions that made her forget any other girls were in the room at all.

As she settled into the only empty seat, which was unfortunately next to Delanie, she wondered how she could have ever doubted Taylor at all. Everything was fine. There was nothing to worry about.

Laura gave her a quizzical look, and Carolina tried to discretely pull out her phone and type out a text. It was difficult to sum up the conversation she had just had with Delanie, but she tried her best. She hated that she wasn’t giving the concert her full attention, and she slid her hand over her phone when Zac walked over and hovered over her shoulder. Was he spying on her? That was ridiculous, she told herself, but she didn’t finish typing her text until he had walked away.

_She has to be lying, right?! Maybe I should ask Mia about it._

**If you can do it in a way that doesn’t bring me into the equation and just makes it about what Delanie did, go for it. But plz plz plz don’t mention my name.**

_There’s clearly plenty to say just about Delanie, so that shouldn’t be a problem at all!_

Carolina resisted the urge to laugh out loud, but Laura had a point. As they were texting, Delanie had stood up from her seat and begun to dance awkwardly in front of Taylor. Carolina didn’t know what she had been so worried about; Delanie was so transparently desperate for his attention and Carolina had already learned that wasn’t the way to get it.

The concert was just beginning to wind down when a loud knock reverberated through the house and carried all the way to the patio. Zac hurried off to answer it, and returned a moment later with a police officer trailing behind him.

“Apparently we got a noise complaint,” he said, with a barely concealed eye roll. “He says the music has to stop, and if the party itself gets too loud again, everyone will have to leave.”

“One more song, officer?” Taylor asked, a sheepish grin on his face.

The officer shook his head. “Sorry, guys. Just trying to keep the neighbors happy.”

Zac escorted the officer back through the house and reluctantly, everyone began packing up to leave. Mia suggested they all meet back up at a bar down the street in a few minutes. 

“Are you going to come to the bar?” Delanie slurred at Taylor.

“Gimme a few to pack my guitar and stuff up,” he replied. 

Mia put a protective hand on his arm. “We’re just going to get a start on cleaning up here, and then we’ll meet you guys over there.”

“I’ll stay and help. I did help make the mess, after all.” Delanie said, and Carolina could have sworn that for a brief moment, Mia was going to refuse. 

There was a part of Carolina that wanted to volunteer to stay behind and help clean up, but she knew she couldn’t. There was a clear, palpable divide, between the fans and the friends, and she knew which category that she was in—at least to everyone but Taylor. Then again, she wasn’t entirely sure about _that_ either. All she knew for certain was that Delanie was taking obvious, desperate leaps over that line, and it wasn’t a good look. Carolina didn’t think it would look any better on her.

Without any better options, Carolina let Laura take her by the arm and lead her out of the house, Emilia and a few other fans trailing behind them. The group of them paraded down the street to the bar, their moods clearly varying wildly between those who wanted to continue partying and those who wanted to remain with Taylor. Carolina knew which group she was in, but she had put all that effort into getting dressed up to party—there was no point in letting that go to waste, she decided, even if it hadn’t had the desired effect upon Taylor. She pasted on a smile and tried to ignore the fact that she really just wanted to go back to the hotel and sleep.


	19. Loved You in Secret

_I, I loved you in spite of  
Deep fears that the world would divide us  
So, baby, can we dance  
Oh, through an avalanche?  
And say, say that we got it  
I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted  
Oh, 'cause it's gravity  
Oh, keeping you with me_

_I could've spent forever with your hands in my pockets  
Picture of your face in an invisible locket  
You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it  
I had a bad feeling_

_But we were dancing  
Dancing with our hands tied, hands tied_

By the time they arrived at the club, it was teeming with people, all drinking and dancing on the crowded dance floor. Carolina was, once again, glad she had already had a few drinks—this couldn’t have been farther from her scene and she wouldn’t have been able to fake it sober.

A few shots later, though, she was dancing along with Laura and Emilia, and had forgotten all about her earlier worries. When Zac walked in, she joined in with the others who cheered loudly at his appearance.

“What are you doing here?” Laura asked him.

“Mia was just a little concerned about all of you girls wandering around on your own, drinking, in an unfamiliar town. She’s still cleaning up, but she sent me on ahead.”

“So you’re our chaperone,” Carolina replied, smirking a bit.

Zac shrugged. “Something like that. Just doing what I’m told. If it helps, I’ll buy the next round?”

Once they had all agreed upon that and he had walked away with their drink orders, a girl whose name Carolina didn’t know said, “I wonder if Taylor will come soon.”

“Hopefully soon,” Emilia said. Carolina was beginning to have doubts—a lot of doubts.

“Well, surely one of us has his phone number. Why doesn’t somebody text him?” The girl asked.

Carolina glanced around at the group. No one else volunteered, so she pulled out her phone. She shrugged and said, “I’ll give it a try.”

**U coming to the club?**

_Sorry, got caught up chatting with old friends! I’ll try to get away soon._

“He might be here soon,” Carolina said, stuffing her phone back in her pocket and ignoring the glances of girls who no doubt wanted to know why she had his number.

Seconds later, Zac returned, an entire tray full of assorted shots in hand. That effectively distracted everyone from Carolina. Once they had all downed their shots, the dancing resumed, with Zac in the middle of the circle. He seemed to alternate between embarrassed and enjoying it, and Carolina could relate. 

Only Emilia seemed not to be enjoying herself. She was leaning up against a wall with a hand on her temple, and Carolina broke away from the group to ask if she was okay.

“I think I’m getting a migraine,” Emilia said. “I don’t want you guys to leave since you’re all having fun, but I really need to get back to the hotel.” 

“Okay, well, we don’t have to stay until last call or anything. We can go back.”

Emilia shook her head, then winced. “No, seriously. You’re having fun. Maybe you guys will even get to see Taylor again, but I really can’t stay. I’ll just go back by myself.”

“Is everything alright?” Zac asked. 

“Migraine,” Carolina said, giving a nod in Emilia’s direction. By this time, the rest of the group had noticed and huddled around them. “She’s being stubborn and saying she’s going back to the hotel alone.”

“You can’t go by yourself!” Laura cried out.

“I’m not going to make you guys leave early, either.”

“And now we’re going to go around in this circle again,” Carolina remarked.

“How about I call a taxi and I’ll go back with her, just to make sure she makes it safely?” Zac offered. “Unless you girls don’t want her leaving with a stranger like me.”

“Do they come any stranger than you?” Laura shot back, and Zac gave her a look that implied that was exactly the reaction he had hoped for. Carolina hadn’t paid much attention to him back in the day, but she decided that she liked him—of course, not in the same way that she liked Taylor. Not at all.

“Seriously, though, if you would—that would be great. I think we’d all feel a lot better. And text us when you get there so we know everything is okay.”

“Will do,” Emilia muttered, forcing a week smile that showed just how severe her migraine had become.

A few songs later, Mia and her roommates Violet and Yulia walked in, accompanied by Zac. Carolina assumed this meant Emilia had made it safely back to the hotel, and a quick check of her phone confirmed that. The girls greeted them with hugs and smiles, and Carolina was surprised that it really didn’t even seem fake. They were tall and pretty and effectively the in crowd; Carolina couldn’t understand why they would be happy to see her again, or at all. 

“Is Taylor coming?” The pushy girl from earlier asked. 

Mia shook her head. “He decided to go back to his place. He hadn’t taken Princess for a walk before he came over for the house show. Plus, he’s got rehearsals and things tomorrow. I’m sure he’ll party after the show tomorrow night, though.”

“He better,” the girl replied, her tone somewhat teasing, but not quite enough.

‘I’m sure he will,” Mia replied, chuckling softly. “He’s just had to spread himself so thin this week. It’s hard trying to make time for everybody.”

It was then that Carolina noticed Laura had all but completely checked out of the conversation and was staring at her phone with her brow furrowed. Carolina took a step closer to her. “What’s up?”

“It’s Emilia,” Laura replied.

“Is she feeling worse?” Zac asked. “She told me she was going straight to bed.”

Laura shook her head. “No, I mean—it’s not the migraine. She’s really upset that Taylor didn’t come to the club. I don’t know, she’s just really mad and says she may not go to the show tomorrow. She doesn’t like that he’s giving more attention to some fans than others.”

“Where is all of this coming from?” Mia asked. “He’s doing the best he can, but there’s only some much of him to go around.”

“I really don’t know. Maybe just the migraine getting to her. She’s saying that Taylor is with you girls and he’s ignoring the rest of us, and I’m trying to tell her—one, you guys are with us now, and two, you’re his friends, way more than we are, so of course he would spend more time with you.”

“Something’s getting into her head,” Mia replied. “Like I said, it’s been tough for him, but he’s doing his best. He’s definitely not trying to play favorites.” 

Yulia leaned in and said, “Why don’t we all just take a group pic to send her? That way she’ll know that we’re together and Tay’s not here.”

“Great idea,” Laura replied, holding her phone out in front of her. The girls crowded around and took a photo, and Laura quickly typed another message to Emilia. “I just hope this works. I don’t want her to be upset about this; there’s no reason for it. Whatever she thinks about Taylor, like, avoiding us or whatever—it’s just ridiculous.”

“I feel like I should say something to him,” Mia remarked.

Laura shook her head. “Please don’t. She’s so upset, but she didn’t even want me to tell you about it in the first place.”

Mia didn’t reply to that, and with nothing else to really be said about it, the girls went back to dancing. A few moments later, Carolina noticed that Mia had pulled out her phone; the light from the screen hit her in the eye. She saw Taylor’s name at the top of the screen and glanced away quickly. She shouldn’t snoop, she knew. Then again, neither should Mia directly go against what Laura had asked of her. Carolina filed away this new bit of information about Mia. It _was_ information that Taylor needed to know, if he were going to have a healthy relationship with these fans he kept so close to him, but it was also important to know that Mia would break a person’s confidence if she felt the information should not be a secret.

Carolina could understand it, and was certain she would do the same thing in Mia’s shoes, but she now knew that she needed to tread lightly around this girl. She could not, as she had considered, confide in her safely. She had hoped to have someone she could talk to about this, someone who would understand the situation more than Laura did. Someone who could perhaps give her some insight into what Taylor was thinking. But she knew now that if she told Mia anything, it would all go straight back to Taylor, and there was no way that would reflect well upon her. Keeping her mouth shut—as much as possible—was the only way forward. She had already screwed that up too many times already.

In the end, they all stayed at the club until last call. Carolina could barely feel her feet when they finally left and caught a cab back to the hotel. The night had been a whirlwind, more of it bad than good, and Carolina wasn’t sure how she was still awake at all.

She and Laura tiptoed back into their hotel room, trying not to wake Emilia, who seemed to have finally drifted off in spite of her headache and everything else. Carolina was sure they would have to have some sort of conversation in the morning about what Taylor had or hadn’t done to upset her, but right then, she couldn’t think about that.

All she wanted right then was to sleep, and to hopefully feel more at ease in the morning. Things would have to be better then, in the sober light of day.

As she laid down, she picked up her phone one last time, hoping to see some sort of text or message from Taylor. There was nothing. She wasn’t sure what she had expected. There was a part of her that felt just as abandoned and avoided as Emilia, but the biggest part of her knew it was unfair. She knew she had no right to think she deserved more time with him than any of the other girls, yet she wanted it. She wanted to be with him right then, not falling asleep alone in a hotel room. She didn’t think that was too much to ask for.


	20. In Between the Rights and the Wrongs

 

_Why can you read me like no one else?_   
_I hide behind these words_   
_But I'm coming out_   
_I wish I kept them behind my tongue_   
_I hide behind these words_   
_But I'm coming out_

_Put your hand between_   
_An aching head and an aching world_   
_We'll make them so jealous_   
_We'll make them hate us_   
_An aching head and an aching world_   
_We'll make them so jealous_   
_We'll make them so jealous_

The next morning, Emilia opted to sleep in while Laura and Carolina went out to do some more sight-seeing. She assured them that she wasn’t as upset as she had been the night before, but that she simply needed to sleep off the rest of the migraine. Carolina wasn’t so sure about leaving her, but Laura—who had known her longer—convinced Carolina that it would be fine.

On their own, the two decided to go to the beach for the day. Carolina still wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea, but at least with Laura she didn’t feel as put on the spot as she was sure she would have with Taylor. Neither had brought a bathing suit, so they walked up and down the boardwalk, going in and out of shops and snacking on food from street vendors.

They were trying on silly pairs of sunglasses when two very blonde girls walked up to them. Carolina recognized them from the house party the night before, but didn’t know their names. The two of them had kept to themselves, seeming too cool for anyone else there.

“Hey, weren’t you guys at Mia’s last night?” One of them asked.

“Yeah,” Laura said, giving the girl a big smile. “You’re Jesse, aren’t you? I’m Laura.”

“Carolina,” she forced out, giving a small fake smile. She noticed that neither girl was in a rush to introduce themselves.

“Will you guys be at the show tonight, too?” The one who, apparently, was Jesse, asked.

“Of course!” Laura replied.

The other girl turned her head slightly toward Jesse and held up her phone. Her voice low, but obviously designed to still be heard, she said, “We better go, he’s gonna meet us at the Griddle Cafe in like thirty.”

It was clear, from her tone of voice, just exactly who _he_ was. Carolina stared at the girls, waiting for them to confirm or deny it. She didn’t expect an invitation to join them, since they had just met. Yet they had to realize how they sounded, making it so obvious that they had special, private plans to meet up with Taylor.

“Well, we’ll see you girls later, then,” Jesse replied, a half-smirk on her face that suggested she knew exactly what Carolina was thinking. “We’ve got plans for lunch. Later.”

Carolina and Laura just gave each other a look, but didn’t speak until the other girls had walked away.

“Well, I hope they enjoy lunch with Taylor. Must be nice,” Carolina mumbled.

Laura just shrugged. “He’s known Jesse even longer than he’s known Mia. The two of them don’t get along, by the way. I don’t really know the details. I think Jesse is even more protective of him than Mia is, but in a different way.”

Carolina nodded. Definitely in a different way. Mia was looking out for his best interests; Jesse just seemed like she had no desire to share him with anyone new. But Carolina wasn’t new, though she knew she seemed that way to everyone else. If she had just kept up with him, found a way to get together with him sooner after moving to California, then maybe she could be one of these special girls, these fans who had somehow become part of his inner circle.

She didn’t want to be jealous of those girls, and she didn’t want to dislike them, when none of them had truly done anything to hurt her. She only wanted to be on the inside like them. She wanted everyone else to see her the way Taylor seemed to see her—someone he could trust, someone who could be let in. Was that too much to ask for?

 

****

The concert was, simply put, amazing.

It all went by in a blur, despite being more than twice as long as the other two concerts that week. Seeing Taylor on stage, with a full band, and a room full of people who were there to see him was an incredible high. It reminded Carolina why she was there, why she was putting herself through all of the emotional ups and downs. It was all for the music—her feelings for Taylor as a person were secondary to the way the music made her feel.

When the show ended, Laura, Carolina and Emilia—who was feeling better after a chat with Taylor before dinner—made their way to the merch booth to see if Mia and Zac needed any help packing up before they all headed to the after party.

“Carolina!” Delanie called out, and Carolina motioned for the other two to go on. Whatever Delanie had to say to her wasn’t something she wanted to have to explain to Emilia, and in any case, she was sure neither of them wanted to talk to her anyway. They both looked very relieved, in fact, as they slipped away.

“What’s up?” Carolina asked, hoping it sounded like she actually cared.

“I had a _long_ talk with Taylor last night after the house show. I told him what I told you—how it just really isn’t fair for him to lie to his fans and lead them on like that. He swore he doesn’t have a girlfriend, but I don’t know. Either way, he needs to be honest with us.”

“Maybe he was,” Carolina replied, shrugging.

“Well, I think I got through to him,” Delanie said.

“That’s good,” Carolina said. “I’m gonna go see if they need any help with the merch. I’ll talk to you later.”

By the time Carolina managed to get away from Delanie, Taylor himself had made his way to the merch booth. As she approached, he gave her a wide smile and stretched out his arms. She let herself practically fall into them, needing a hug from him more right then than she had even realized.

“Hey,” he said. He pulled back from the hug, and Carolina found it hard to look him in the face. The gravity of everything they had done, every side of her she had let him see, finally hit her, and she knew she was blushing. He ran a hand up and down her arm. “You’re hot.”

“Thanks,” Carolina replied with a smirk, even though she knew that wasn’t what he had meant.

He ignored her attempt at a joke. “You coming to the after party?”

“I’ll be there if you’ll be there,” she said.

“I’m going to at least make a small appearance,” Taylor replied, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “I think I picked the wrong boots today, and my feet are killing me. Forgot how hard a full concert was on the body.”

“Yeah, I wore the wrong heels for dancing yesterday,” Carolina remarked.

“But they looked sexy.”

Carolina stared blankly at him. “Did they? You didn’t even notice what they looked like.”

“Sure I did,” Taylor replied. “They were black and they laced up the back. Hot.”

“Wow,” Carolina said. “I guess you did notice.”

“I notice things,” Taylor said dismissively. “You girls have it so much better than guys when it comes to fashion. You get so many more options, you know?”

“Yeah, that’s true. But you do pretty well, for a guy.”

“Hey!” Laura said, popping up and giving Taylor a small hug of her own. “I meant to tell you before, but I was thinking when I come back to town in a few weeks for that convention, we can check out Griddle Café? I’ve heard really good things about it.”

“Hey, yeah, we can definitely do that,” Taylor replied.

“Carolina’s coming, too, right?” Laura said, giving Carolina a look.

“Yeah, I meant to tell you—I did get the extra time off work.” In actuality, Carolina had completely forgotten about agreeing to share a table with Laura at their publisher’s booth at some fandom convention.

“You’ll be here, too?” Taylor asked, and it didn’t pass Carolina by that he was clearly more excited about the plans now that he knew she was involved.

“Yeah, I will,” she said.

“Awesome,” he replied. “But hey, I better get my stuff loaded out. I’ll see you girls at the bar in a little while.”

After he was gone, Laura asked, “What was all of that with Delanie?”

“Oh, she says she had a talk with him last night about the whole girlfriend thing, but he’s still denying it.”

“The girlfriend thing?” Mia asked, and Carolina bit her lip. She obviously needed to work on her whispering. “Wait, is she talking about what we told her after the Hotel Café show?”

“Umm, yeah, she said you guys told her Taylor has a girlfriend,” Carolina replied, not meeting Mia’s eyes.

Mia shook her head, then laughed. “I didn’t think she really believed it. She was so drunk, she was practically throwing herself in his car. It was insane. Violet pulled her away and told her he had a girlfriend, and she kinda freaked out. We thought it was funny, so Violet just kept adding more details, but it was _so_ obviously a lie. She kept asking me if it was true, and I was trying so hard not to laugh that I couldn’t even say anything. I didn’t realize until last night, when she apparently fucking yelled at him for like an hour, that she had believed it all. Or that she would even remember it in the morning—seriously, she was so trashed.”

“So he doesn’t have a girlfriend?” Laura asked.

“Definitely not,” Mia replied. “He texted me while we were at the club; apparently after she left my place she was just wandering around the neighborhood like a crazy person. She ran into him while he was walking Princess, and just went off on him. I had to explain the whole thing to him, too, but I guess he didn’t tell her that it was all a lie we made up.”

It was a lot of information to digest, and it made Carolina’s head spin—or maybe that was the two rum and cokes she’d had during the break between the opening act and Taylor’s set. Either way, she had a lot to think about but couldn’t make sense of any of it right then. She had thought she was being duplicitous, walking around like just another fan after everything that had happened, but that was just scratching the surface of all the lies and deception in this fandom.

Carolina wasn’t sure how much more of it she could take.

She realized belatedly that Laura and Mia were still talking and she hadn’t heard a word they had said. Laura gave her a nudge and she just stared blankly.

“Mia was just saying that Delanie was accusing Taylor of sleeping with all of his fans but her.”

Carolina could feel her eyes widen. She knew she had said too much to Delanie, given her too much reason to suspect, but she hadn’t realized the true depth of her mistakes until then. It was clear Delanie was a loose cannon, using whatever scraps of information she had to form whatever conclusions she thought would best serve her purposes. Anything could and would be used against her, Carolina realized, and it was too late to take any of it back.

“She’s even telling people I slept with him!” Mia remarked. “I would never. Of course I was a fan for years, and yeah, he _may_ have been my favorite as a teenager, but wasn’t he everyone’s favorite back then? I’m with Zac now. We’re getting married. Taylor understands that, Zac understands that—everyone but Delanie can understand that.”

“I just can’t believe… I thought she was harmlessly crazy, you know?” Carolina said.

“I know,” Mia replied. “We all did.”

Zac walked up and clapped his hands, startling all of the girls. “Alright, we better get this stuff packed up. If we all pitch in, it shouldn’t take too long.”

As if to demonstrate his point, he hauled a plastic tub out from beneath the table and began piling it full of t-shirts. Mia gave him a nudge, and they shared a look that might as well have been an inside joke all on its own. At least Carolina could see that Mia was telling the truth about their relationship. They might have kept it somewhat secret, but Carolina could understand why, considering how Taylor’s fans could be. But just because it was a secret didn’t mean it wasn’t real. Seeing the way they interacted, Carolina didn’t understand how anyone could doubt the validity of their relationship.

Carolina wondered if the way she felt about Taylor was so obvious to anyone who saw them interact. She hoped not. She wasn’t even sure if she wanted Taylor to notice.


	21. When I Look Into Your Eyes

_This ain't for the best  
My reputation's never been worse, so  
You must like me for me  
Yeah, I want you  
We can't make  
Any promises now, can we, babe?  
But you can make me a drink_

_Is it cool that I said all that?  
Is it chill that you're in my head?  
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)  
Is it cool that I said all that  
Is it too soon to do this yet?  
'Cause I know that it's delicate_

The club they had chosen for the after party was teeming with people. Carolina hated it as soon as she walked in the door. She couldn’t wait to go back to her hotel, and yet she knew she couldn’t. She had to stay. She had to play the game. The next day, she would be on the road back to Felton, and this was her last chance for something resembling some alone time with Taylor—as alone as they could get in a packed out club.

Not seeing any better options, Carolina headed straight for the bar. 

Before she could get her order out, a familiar soft voice said, “Put whatever she’s having on my tab.”

“Rum and coke,” Carolina said when the bartender gave her a look. She turned to Taylor and said, “Thanks.”

“Do you always order that?” He asked, leaning closer to her to be heard over the horde of people around them.

“Almost. It’s hard to mess up, impossible for the bartender to mishear and the easiest thing to order when you’re already shitfaced.”

Taylor looked amused, like he wanted to say something else, but just nodded. “So, you’re coming back next month? Some writing thing?”

“It’s a convention. I’m not totally sure why our publisher thought our books would fit in, but I guess nerds and geeks are pretty into the smutty stuff.”

“So you admit it’s smut,” Taylor remarked, smirking.

Carolina shrugged. “I never said it wasn’t.”

Taylor just chuckled and said, “I’m gonna mingle a bit. I’ll catch you later.”

As he walked away, Carolina found herself feeling inordinately upset and jealous. He should stay and talk to her, she thought. Of course he had to spread himself thin and make as many fans happy as possible, but she didn’t have to like it. She downed her drink quickly, then ordered another, making sure to pay for that one herself. She was jealous, but not completely unreasonable. 

“Hey!” A voice called out as Carolina wove her way through the crowd. She belatedly recognized the girl as the one named Jesse who she had met earlier that day.

Carolina glanced up and down her, trying to gauge how drunk she was. She didn’t seem very. Carolina forced a smile and replied, “Hey, what’s up?”

“Just glad to see you here! Wasn’t the concert good?”

“Yeah, it was,” Carolina replied, then continued on her way.

She had to have been drunk, Carolina decided. Nothing else could have accounted for her change in attitude—except, perhaps, whatever happened when she’d had lunch with Taylor. That seemed ridiculous, yet not any more impossible than anything else that had happened that week. The layers and layers seemed never ending.

By the time she had made her way through the club, sipping her drink and pausing to talk to far too many people, Taylor had found himself a secluded corner with a few fans she didn’t recognize. With two drinks to bolster her confidence, Carolina walked right up and plopped down on the arm of his chair.

“Finished it already?” Taylor asked, with a nod toward her glass.

“Two,” Carolina replied, giggling. “I mean—this is my second one.”

Taylor gave her a wide eyed, impressed look. “So you’re having a good time?”

Carolina shrugged and waved her empty glass around. “You could say that.”

“No, I mean—this whole week. You’ve had a good time, coming to LA?”

“I have,” she replied, honestly. In spite of the drama and the few times she’d wished to be anywhere else, she really wouldn’t have gone back and done anything differently. “What about you?”

“It’s been good. It’s been tough. It’s a lot of pressure.”

Carolina had a feeling he didn’t just mean the concerts and the album release. She didn’t know what to say to that, and so she fell silent. Two girls, who she recognized as friends Jesse's were dancing on their chairs, and Carolina was reasonably certain she was at least more sober than them. It wasn’t saying much. 

“Come on, dance with us!” The skinnier of the two said.

Carolina shook her head. “I don’t really dance.”

“Everybody dances!” The girl said, hopping down off her chair and dancing on Carolina’s leg. 

Carolina gave Taylor a look, but he wasn’t even paying attention at all. A girl to his left had started talking to him and so he was completely oblivious to her situation.

“You gotta loosen up a little if you wanna impress him,” the girl said softly, as though she were imparting some serious wisdom. “Dance with me. He’ll like that.”

Carolina shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

The girl slid down onto Taylor’s lap, and that finally drew his attention. He glanced between the two of them, and Carolina just shrugged.

“We should make out,” the girl said.

“Yeah, let’s not,” Carolina replied.

“Wouldn’t you think that was hot, Taylor? You want us to kiss?”

Taylor laughed softly and gave Carolina a look.

“What?” Carolina said. 

“Well, I know it’s not that you don’t kiss girls,” Taylor shot back.

“I kissed Delanie,” Carolina said, then immediately wished she could take it back. There was still a sober voice somewhere in the back of her mind, but the alcohol was delaying its ability to control her actions. 

“Oh really?” Taylor asked.

Carolina giggled. “You were right there. You didn’t notice?”

The other girl said something, and Taylor was once again distracted. Skinny blonde saw her opportunity and moved to Carolina’s side, away from Taylor. “You gotta flirt a little more. You can’t be shy. It’s clear you want him, but you’re being way too shy about it. Just flirt. Play with his hair or something. He likes that.”

Carolina just stared, narrowly resisting the urge to ask how this girl knew what he liked. Without thinking about it, she found she had let herself slide into his lap, and her hand was, in fact, already in his hair. She gave it a slight tug, right at the base of his neck, to get his attention. He gave her a smile that nearly made her fall to the floor. 

That much action on Carolina’s part seemed to satisfy the girl, and she scurried away, going back to dancing with her other friend. Carolina and Taylor just shared another look. How was it possible that no one else in the room noticed what was happening between them, Carolina wondered. How could they not see it? It seemed so obvious. If this random girl could see how badly Carolina wanted Taylor, then it must have been obvious to everyone in the room—including Taylor himself.

He was still staring at her, laughing softly. Of course, all he could see was how ridiculous it was for someone to be giving her advice on how to seduce him… when she already had. At least the other girl hadn’t been able to tell that, Carolina thought.

“Sorry,” she said softly. “That was… awkward.”

“It’s okay,” Taylor replied dismissively.

Carolina wondered how many stranger things he had to deal with constantly, that this was nothing to him. She had always been impressed with the grace he had shown in awkward situations; she could only hope to have a tenth of his ability to shake things off. Deep down, she knew she didn’t. She took everything to heart. 

There was a part of Carolina that knew that meant she wasn’t cut out for this. She knew that knowledge wasn’t going to stop her, though.

Not knowing what else to say or do, she slid further into his lap and continued playing with his hair. She didn’t think he would stop her… probably. If he did, she would stop. Until then, she enjoyed just being there, even if it might be drawing more attention than she truly wanted.

She didn’t know how much time had passed when Taylor finally suggested that they make their way outside so he could have a cigarette. She stood beside him as he said goodbye to everyone around, then walked behind him as he wound his way through the crowd with ease. Behind him, she felt invisible.

The sidewalk was teeming with people, too, but at least Carolina knew a few of those. Once again, there were girls vying for Taylor’s attention, and Carolina let herself fade into the background. She couldn’t and wouldn’t compete. She had gotten more from him than she probably deserved that night. She wouldn’t make a fool of herself to get more of it.

“Are you ready to head back to the hotel?” Laura asked, leaning against the wall next to Carolina. 

Carolina shrugged. “Doesn’t look like Emilia is.”

Emilia was, in fact, one of the girls vying for Taylor’s attention. But the genuine smile on her face was something Carolina couldn’t be mad about. After the last night Emilia had had, Carolina figured she deserved a little something from Taylor. 

Truthfully, all Carolina wanted was to go back to the hotel and sleep. The spell was broken. She knew she had gotten as much from Taylor during this trip as possible. In the morning, she would go back home, back to her normal life, and that would be it.

If it was over, she didn’t want to linger. She was ready to leave.

It seemed, of course, that she was the only person who felt that way. The other girls lingered and lingered on. Carolina just stayed against the wall, wishing she could telepathically convince everyone to leave. It didn’t seem to be working.

When Zac, Mia and her roommates made their way outside, Carolina hoped that was a sign that everyone was finally ready to leave. Luck seemed to be on her side then, as Laura and Emilia approached her, both yawning. 

Then again, she would give everything for just another moment with Taylor…

“We’re going to walk down the block and see if we can find a cab,” Emilia said. 

“I’ll be right there,” Carolina replied, watching as Zac, Mia and her roommates walked out of the club.

“Okay, just don’t stay too long—we might not be able to get the cab to wait for you,” Laura replied.

Carolina nodded and made a vague sound of agreement and understanding. She was too busy watching Taylor make his way toward them. 

“You guys leaving?” He asked, holding out an arm to offer Laura a half-hearted hug. 

“Yeah,” she said. “It’s been so, so much fun to spend the week here with you. Seriously.’

Taylor moved on to hug Emilia, but glanced over her shoulder at Laura and Carolina. “It’s been great to see you guys, too.”

“And we’ll see you again in a few weeks,” Laura added.

The two of them walked away, leaving Carolina alone with him. She stared up at him, not knowing what to say. When they were alone, she couldn’t shut up. In public, however, it was all too much. Anything she could say seemed like it would ruin her. It was better not to speak at all.

“You ready to head out, too?” He asked, and for a brief moment, Carolina thought he was inviting her back to his place. She knew better, though.

She nodded, and the two began walking down the street. They were close, closer than friends, but not as close as lovers. Her hand hung limply at her side and she wished it were possible to reach for his. She knew it wasn’t. They had walked several yards before she heard and felt the rest of his entourage—brother, future-sister-in-law and all—joining them. Carolina wondered what they must have looked like to all of them. She decided she was better off not knowing.

They reached the corner, and Carolina saw Emilia and Laura leaning out the open door of their cab. 

“This is my stop,” Carolina said. 

Taylor paused, and the two just stared at each other. The rest of the group walked on without them. Taylor leaned down and wrapped Carolina up in his arms. He wore the same leather jacket he’d worn the first time, and she wanted to stay there forever, again, her face buried in his warm chest. 

Finally, she let go. “Goodnight, Tay.”

“Goodnight,” he said softly. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Goodnight!” Mia said, suddenly appearing and wrapping Carolina up into a warm, soft hug of her own. “It’s been so nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, you too,” Carolina mumbled. 

She waited a moment longer, but none of the rest of them approached her. That was fine by her; a hug from Mia was more acknowledgement that she had imagined or hoped for. With one last awkward smile and shrug of her shoulders, she turned her back on Taylor and climbed into the cab. She immediately turned her head away from the window, not willing to watch his figure disappear down the street.


	22. Making Me Hope and Wish

 

_You got into my heart_   
_You got into my soul_   
_Now all the walls I built around myself_   
_Are all covered in holes_

_I can't get you out of my heart_   
_I can't get you out of my heart_   
_I can't get you out of my heart_

_I can't get you, get you out of my heart_

When Carolina returned home, it was as though the trip to Los Angeles had been a fever dream. She knew that it had happened, and yet, the contrast between those few days and her normal life was so strong that there were times when she forgot that it had all been real and not just a figment of her wishful imagination.

For a few days, she had felt like herself again. For a few days, she had felt young again. For a few days, she had simply _felt_ again.

She had drafted a dozen or so texts to Taylor, but could not bring herself to send a single one of them. None of them said all that she wanted to say to him. On the other hand, they all said to much; the thought of admitting to him how much she had enjoyed that night, how much more she wanted… it was all more than she could handle.

As she sat at her desk at work, trying to remember how to live her normal life, she told herself that it was only the end of her years long dry spell that had her so messed up. It was one night of great sex that was clouding her brain and making her envision a future that barely seemed possible.

_Get out of my heart_   
_Get out of my mind_   
_Get out of my bedroom_   
_I don't want you tonight_

_You're making me smile_   
_You're making me try_   
_And you're making me hope, and wish that we could be together_   
_All over again_

The La Selva branch was busy that day, and Carolina was glad she had brought a pair of earbuds with her. She plugged them into her computer and opened a playlist she liked that was almost loud enough to drown out the din of employees and volunteers filtering through the area where she worked. She didn’t know what they were doing, some sort of summer reading program that apparently required all the loudest people ever, but it left Carolina feeling terribly over-stimulated.

The music helped, but it also drowned out the buzzing of her phone when a text message arrived. When she glanced down at the screen and saw the new message, she jumped a little in her chair. She picked up her phone and read what it had to say, what Laura apparently could not wait to tell her.

_You need to go look at Taylor’s MySpace. He posted a preview of a new song but he says it probably won’t stay up for very long. Go. Listen. Now._

Not knowing how to reply to that, Carolina simply did as she was told. She opened a new tab and navigated to Taylor’s MySpace, where he often rotated out the songs on his playlist, showing off rough drafts of new songs as they caught his attention, then deleting them once something new came along. It impressed Carolina how often he wrote new songs, but his indecisiveness also drove her crazy.

She clicked play on the new song and closed her eyes as it washed over her. She knew there was no point in trying to continue her work until after the song was finished. She needed to hear every word of whatever Taylor had been inspired to write just a week after the weekend that had changed everything for her, just a week after he had released an entire album full of songs.

_You can just take a look at yourself_   
_Maybe then you'd see you should leave me in hell_

_Get out of my heart_   
_Come down from my window_   
_Cause you're giving me everything that I ever wanted_   
_And it's making me sick_   
_Tell me baby_

_What do you want, what do you want_   
_What do you want_   
_Cause I just want you to_   
_Get out of my heart_   
_Get out of my heart_   
_Just leave me in my misery_

The song was unlike anything else she had heard from him. It was simple and stripped down; just Taylor and the piano, playing a melody that Carolina could have sworn was ripped straight from something from the fifties. His voice was soft at times, growling at others, the emotion in it stirring something deep within Carolina’s chest. It was a feeling she loved and hated at the same time.

As soon as the song ended, Carolina hit play again. She couldn’t resist. She needed to know and understand every single to word, to find all the deeper meaning in this song and to understand what could possibly make Taylor feel this way.

There was an obvious answer, but she refused to believe it. It couldn’t be her. She couldn’t make anyone, especially not Taylor Fucking Hanson, feel so deeply.

She was just some girl from West Virginia. No one special. There was no possible way the song could be about her. If anything, it was as though Taylor had crawled inside her own mind and written every line of how she felt about him. Whatever it meant, whoever it was truly about, the song left her feeling raw and exposed, and yet it was all she ever wanted to listen to again for the rest of time.

The sound of heavy footsteps behind her, loud enough to break through the song on its third repeat, reminded Carolina that she was at work. She couldn’t lose herself in Taylor like this when she was on the clock. She had to remain professional and do her job.

Like that, the spell was broken. She closed the tab and pulled out her earbuds carefully, bracing herself for the cacophony of sound from her coworkers. There was no good way to prepare herself for it; it was like ripping off a bandaid. Just like that, she was back in her real life, the feelings Taylor had awoken in her buried back deep down where they belonged.

Realizing what time it was, Carolina stood up and grabbed her purse. She poked her head into the branch manager’s office and let her know that she was stepping out to get lunch. There was a taco truck that parked down the street from the library on Tuesdays, and Carolina had a serious weakness for their chicken nachos. It was just a little early for lunch, and so there wasn’t a line; she picked up her nachos quickly and made her way back to the small park adjacent to the library.

The park was surprisingly and pleasantly, uncrowded, too. Carolina supposed everyone was still inside the library, and she couldn’t really blame them, considering how hot it was. There were times when Carolina wondered why she had moved to such a hot state, but her trip back east at Thanksgiving had reminded her that she wasn’t cut out for cold weather, either. In so many ways, she liked neutrality, status quo. Anything that disrupted her usual routine, anything extreme at all, was more than she could handle.

She pushed her nachos aside, finding her appetite abandoning her as it often did when her emotions were too much. The bright side, Carolina thought, was that she might drop a few pounds if this feeling stuck around for a while. She took a sip of her soda, then pulled out her phone and called Laura, hoping she was on her own lunch break and could talk.

“I’m guessing you listened to the song,” Laura said, skipping any hellos or pleasantries all together.

“I did,” Carolina admitted. “It’s not—I mean, I’m just hearing what I want to hear in it, right? And I don’t even know if it’s really what I _want_ to hear, but… do you know what I mean? Am I making sense at all?”

Laura laughed softly. “You aren’t, but I still know what you mean.”

“And what do you think about it?”

“Honestly, I really don’t know,” Laura replied. “I mean, he posted a status just a few days ago about working on a new song, which I assume is this one, but it doesn’t mean that he just got inspired to write it, you know? It could have been in the works for a while.”

“But the timing—I mean, what we assume is the timing. To post something like this right now…”

“It does make you wonder,” Laura finished for her. “I think all we can do is see what happens when we meet up with him next week.”

“I can’t believe it’s so soon,” Carolina remarked.

“I know,” Laura said. “Oh, but hey, that reminds me. I talked to Mia and she wants to get together for lunch one day, too. And you know Taylor can be flaky, so I thought maybe we could all get together. He might be more likely to show up if she’s going to be there, too. And it could be good to have some extra time with her, to talk to her…”

“She doesn’t know, does she? About me and him?”

“Nut unless you’ve told her.”

“I haven’t said a word. I mean, I haven’t even spoken to her since Los Angeles. All she knows is that I saw him the day before everything started, but what she knows about what happened after that… I guess it depends on what Taylor has told her.”

“I don’t think Taylor would talk about that sort of thing,” Laura replied.

“Not even to Mia? They’re best friends. And even if not to her, maybe to Zac. I don’t know.”

“There’s really no way of knowing without asking, and I don’t think you want to do that,” Laura said.

“No,” Carolina replied. “But I do think it could be good to have her tag along for this lunch thing. Get a read on what she might know and what she might think of the whole situation. Like, just to spend some time with him without crazy fans around, but with normal people who might see what I see in the way he acts around me, you know? I think that could be good.”

“Well, what I think is that you should send him a text or something and make sure he knows you’re coming to Griddle Café with us. I think he’ll be more excited about it if he knows that.”

“You think?” Carolina asked, her self-doubt creeping back in like it had never left.

“Absolutely,” Laura replied. “After he posted that song today? You need to let him know you’re thinking about him, too. And text me later and let me know what he says.”

Carolina let out a weak laugh. “Yeah, alright. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Later, girly.”

After hanging up her phone, Carolina forced herself to choke down a few more nachos. She found that she could barely taste them at all. She had no clue what to say to Taylor, but her lunch break was nearly over and it seemed like a now or never situation, before she lost all semblance of nerve.

**Hey, just wanted to make sure the plans with Laura were still on for next weekend. Griddle Café on Saturday, I think she said?**

Not knowing what else to do while she waited for a response, Carolina stood up and threw her nachos into the nearest trash can. She hated the way it felt, like she couldn’t breathe, while she waited for Taylor to respond to her text. She didn’t want to throw the _l_ word around, didn’t truly believe you could feel that way on your own—wasn’t it a thing two people did together?—but the way he made her feel was like nothing else. And she wasn’t entirely sure it was a feeling she liked.

_Saturday? I thought she said Sunday. I can probably still make it, but I’ll let you know. It’ll be good to hang again._

And just like that, with a few meaningless words, her heart dropped to her feet. It took so little for him to completely undo her, and she was beginning to hate it.

If the new song was inspired by anything real at all, she was certain it was her own blatantly obvious feelings, not Taylor’s.

_You should just take a look at yourself_   
_Then you'd see you should leave me in hell_   
_Oh yeah_

_You got into my heart_   
_You got into my soul_   
_Now all the walls I built around myself_   
_Are all covered in holes_

_I can't get you out of my heart_   
_I can't get you out of my heart_   
_I can't get you out of my heart_

_I can't get you, get you out of my heart_


End file.
